I'm pretty lost

You need respite. Go to your GP , ask for an assessment of your parents needs. Your loving parents feel the same way about you as you feel about your daughter. What would you say to her if she was in the same position as you are? You might say, l am worried about you, get help.

Trentlady, I understand where you are coming from but I just don't feel respite is an option. My dad would hate to know I feel this way. He's been told he will end up losing the use of his legs and he's threatened to end it if that happens. He hates relying on anyone for anything especially if he feels he's putting people out. I feel awful just admitting I'm struggling and I don't know why. Cancer seriously sucks. I will see my gp though thank you

Hi and a  very warm welcome to the online community and to the sanctuary of the carers only group. We don't want to see new members joining as it means that something has happened in their life which is a significant change to the way our life should be going forward. I am pleased that you feel that you can reach out to us and tell us how your feel and hopefully by being here you will find the support and help you need.

You don't need to apologise for posting a "wow is me" post this is a very safe place to come to vent, rant or rave, let off steam (we all do it at sometime) or just come on in for a chat, we are a very friendly group and whilst we are very supportive towards each other we never judge we just listen to each other and give help, support and advice when necessary.

Being a carer is not an easy role to take especially when it means looking after elderly parents and a young daughter and takes its toll on you. What you really need is some ME time and this could be what Trentlady was talking  about by Respite care ( more to follow below)

You need to be considering a couple of things that need doing and they are talking to your local councils Adult Social Care Team in my area they call it See and Solve and it involves having the following

Parents needs assessment 

This is a very informal chat with either a social worker or an occupational therapist and the purpose of the meeting is for your parents with you to have the opportunity to discuss how you are getting on and what would make life easier for you all. At the end of the meeting the Social  worker will have built up a picture of what needs to be done and make suggestions to you all, after the meeting you will be sent a copy of your assessment and a plan of action to make life easier for everyone, you can accept all of the suggestions, just a few if them or none at all the choice is yours to make but it puts you on their radar.

You don't say how old your parents are but the social worker will also advise on benefits available and suggest how you apply and put you in touch with a charity who will help you fill in the forms to your advantage. Benefits should not be looked on as being charity but as an entitlement to make life easier.

Carers Assessment 

This is independent to the assessment of your parents needs it is an assessment of what help you need to look after your parents and removing some of the stress away from you.

You may be entitled to a carers allowance, again not charity but an entitlement, and you will be given advice on how to apply and who can help you complete the forms.

Both assessments can be carried out at the same time and you can have yours with it without your parents being present, again your choice.

When you read through the assessment notes above you will see a section on questions you may want to ask, these are suggestions and you can tweak them to suit you own individual needs.

Carers breaks and respite care

Not only does respite care refer to your parents needs but it also means that you need a break to look after the other things in your life such as having some free time to look after your daughter and do girlie things together but it also means that you will have the opportunity to indulge in some ME time where you can walk out the front door knowing that your parents are in safe hands whilst you do something you probably haven't done for some time like a walk in the park, some retail therapy or have a coffee with your book without the constant worry about your parents being on their own. Really we all do need to have some ME time to give us times to refresh our batteries, you will be amazed how good you will feel afterwards.

Respite care means taking a break from caring, while the person you care for is looked after by someone else.

It lets you take time out to look after yourself and helps stop you becoming exhausted and run down.

You should never feel that you are letting your parents or your daughter down I know you feel that they rely on you but you can only do what you can do and remember if you become so exhausted and tired that you become ill and can't cope or carry on what is your Plan B and the answers may be found above.

Unfortunately, and you dad is no e exception  when we get to a certain age we don't like imposing on anyone but there comes a time when we have to swallow our pride and accept we just can't do it anymore and your dad feels he doesn't need anyone else because he's got you but you know that you are struggling and you've told us so and you need help, you need to find a way to get dad to accept it and allow you to put plans into action to allow you to spend quality time with your patents and your daughter feeling relaxed and stress free.

Now that you've found us you are very welcome to walk through our ever open doors and have a chat and tell us how you are feeling we can help as we are all in the same position and we can share our experiences with you.

You might find that by joining our Supporting someone with incurable cancer forum group of help and interest to you.

Please keep in touch and if you need a chat I'm always about to listen to you and have a chat at anytime you feel the need to just talk.

Take care.

Ian

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