Awake and up all night

. Morning all. Just woke up, or have been woken up by the rumbling of my tummy, telling me to get to the bathroom a bit lively! And do the night time ritual begins with a little walk round the garden to bring the anxiety down which is the followed by a nebulizer. Happy days! 

Thank you Gill for your kind words. 

I've had a hard time even accepting the treatment. I've had surgery and been told my margins are clear and all the treatment following is to try and prevent recurrence. 

I have feelings of guilt too as I'm 41 and still have young teens at home and know I should be wanting to give it all to fight this but I'm just so done in by it all. The last 3 months have been a whirlwind and I'm probably in shock. 

I think sleepless nights are just adding to the anxiety  

Morning James ️ 

I like your style hon, as I don't keep regular hours either although I don't fancy a walk round the garden.

How often are you on the neb? My OH is also a head and neck patient and used to use it up to six times a day. We've got him down to two now, as long as he hasn't got a cold.

Don't you get chilly out there xxx

Thanks Gill. Got a big thick dressing gown on so all good. I'm probably on about 6 nebs a day right now. Not even sure I need one at night but it's become a habit. So if I don't do it I'll start panicking

You probably are still in shock, as surgery and quite brutal, at times, treatment must take its toll.

I'm not the patient but my OH's full time carer, so I've seen the same effects it's had on him.

Don't have feelings of guilt hon, as you've done nothing to be guilty of. I'll bet your kids are proud of you, as they must know what you've been through, so get those guilty thoughts out of your head. You're still young so will probably recover much more quickly from the treatment. The best news is you've got clear margins, and the chemo will give you the best chance to mop up and rid yourself of this disease for good. No doubt you're exhausted too after all you've been through, so slow down, get plenty of rest and get yourself ready for next week. You can do this sweetheart, and we're all here to see you through. You can call in any time at all, and someone will be here to chat to. Be warned though, we don't half talk about some off the wall subjects. Earlier it was about duvets and pegs. Work that one out.

Why not make a cuppa and see if you can rest - you might start getting sleepy too. Just think pegs and duvet covers...

Hugs my lovely xxx

Hi Rie. It's an anxious time for you so don't be harsh on yourself. Anxiety manifests itself in lots iof different ways. For me I can't sit still, hence all the walking in the garden. You will find ways to adapt and overcome. I have only just joined this group and I'm already sure it will be a big help

Things will be OK. 

Don't panic, as someone said on a show I never watched - something about old soldiers.

Well I'm glad you're wearing your gown, otherwise you could double up your neb sessions. Joking lad.

How's your feeding tube now? OH had a RIG but no more. Now he's just been left with a scar that looks like a third nipple. I used to tease him but the novelty's worn off. Did you join H and N forum love? xxx

No, I never watched that show either when I was a kid! I was adamant I wasn't going to have the feeding tube but it got to my last week of treatment and I had to give in. I'd lost 2 stones in weight and couldn't get enough food down me. Yes I have joined the H&N forum. 

What's your night time routine? Do you sleep at all? 

Hi James,

Thanks for replying. It's amazing how it helps speaking to somebody.

I've decided to come downstairs to the kitchen and switch my work laptop on. I'm signed off on long termsick leave but my line manager is happy for me to 'dabble' as and when needed. 

I think sleep will be evading me until this evening now.