Awake and up all night

Hi dingg try and get plenty of rest. You might be over doing it. It is very difficult when OH is unwell. Take some time for yourself and go to bed early. Sending big hugs.xxx

It's grief too Uki. Grieving for your old life that's gone down the toilet, a lot of which won't ever come back, and grief for your OH, always wondering what's next and will they get over it this time.

One thing's certain for all of us - we get one shot at life so make the most of it, and if surgeries, treatments and interventions prolong it, or even cure, then keep going forward and don't look back. We're all a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

Hugs and love sweetheart xxx

This makes sense Gill. You are grieving for your old life.

I have been for a long time my lovely, but I'm finally coming to terms with it. I'm not going to let this insideous thing beat us without putting up a bloody good fight.

I've got no option but to be strong for OH, as in losing his voice he lost a vital part of himself, and it's a real toughy for him to deal with. I miss the sound of his voice, that I'll never hear again, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to recall what he sounded like. Aye, the surgery saved his life but at what price? I don't want him to ever think it wasn't worth it as he's still here.

It's TLC time and I've got a rare old mess to sort out this time - I'm hoping the antibiotics will start working their magic soon.

Big hugs sweetheart xxx

I am sorry to hear that it wasn’t the news that you were hoping for. Let your emotions out. We are all here. x

What a great post Gill, and it’s so true. Make the most of it. It’s a lesson we can all live by. xx

You have got the right attitude Gill. Bless you for taking care of OH so well. Like you say Gill the important thing he is still here. I am so sorry he has lost his voice. I didn't know that  must be hard for you both. Sending you lots of hugs.xxx

Thanks, you are right,  l don't know how it will develop its been like a spaced out feeling but not the kind when you've had a drink which is usually a nice feeling if you know what l mean. Thanks for the kind comment too.

I agree I feel guilty because hubby is suffering. He's usually the one who cheers me up and gets positive. 

Perhaps you are really the Man with the child in his eyes Kate Bush, so sensitive but perfect. I think of my hubby like that, the song reminds me of how sensitive and patient he is, I'm the impulsive emotional one, but have to be the sensible one now to support him.

I just thought Pippin reminds me of the furry flying animal they fly on in Never Ending Story you could imagine little Borrowers riding him lol x if you know what I'm talking about youre over 21 lol x

Sending hugs x

This is so true Gill. We can never go back to how it was and it is a form of grief. And with grief comes deep sadness and sometimes anger. You strike me as someone who has really come to peace with all this. I still think I have a way to go.

I think it’s impossible to keep upbeat all the time and not helpful to keep your feelings down all the time.

i think that’s as true for carers as ‘patients’ - both are suffering, even if in different ways…

i’ve been very down today and finding everyone’s positive responses to my ‘news’ very difficult to process, because it’s not how I feel…. And so I don’t feel able to say how it makes me feel.

I had my post surgery follow up phone call from my surgeon this morning…..he said overall it was a good outcome, and that’s how I started all the messages to people, so I guess it’s no wonder everyone took that as the main message, thinking about it …… it was me trying to appear upbeat and positive to everyone!

but the main thing I took from what he said was that micro cancer cells had been left behind….. whereas when I was given lab results last week I was told only that it was possible that some had passed to the fissure, as the tumour was touching it…..

I’m aware that part of how I’m feeling is the after effects of major surgery and that the significant pain I’m still experiencing. Surgeon confirmed that all the pain is what would be expected and it should improve, but may take weeks or months.  Also the pain is disrupting my sleep quite a lot and being tired never helps with anything….