My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Well here I am at 01.22 and still no sign of sleep. Why oh why can't I sleep? I know that no-one can answer that question for me. I guess I just have to resign myself to the fact that a good night's rest is a long distant memory and get used to it.

I hope all those who post here are doing ok although I do know that a few are having problems. Life can be so cruel sometimes. We think we are 'recovering' and then something comes along to knock the stuffing out of us yet again. I am sorry for this negative post but right now that is how I feel. As I sit here alone, I have begun reflecting on my life and wondering what exactly I did to have such sadness heaped on me. I should be feeling happy because my beautiful granddaughter is thriving. Instead I am thinking of all the people who are missing from my life and it just hurts so much that I cannot describe it. Once again I have mush for brains and it is not good. I am saying and doing things and then erasing these things from my memory (not on purpose I might add).  Oh well, I will recover eventually but when or how is anyone's guess.

Well enough of me, I hope you all manage to have the best day you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Just dropping by to give lots of love and support to all who might need it. This is a long and winding road and has many unexpected twists and turns which take us by surprise. Take care my friends and be kind to yourselves.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Thank you Patricia  you are right when you say its a long and winding road. its been 3long years since i lost Paul and missing him more each day . i done post but like to look in to see how every one is getting on but where is everyone gone  ? hope you are doing best you can love hazel xxxx

We bought keepsakes as well when my grandmother passed away and had wonderful luck. 

Cremation Jewelry From Everlasting Memories

We used an American company and mine hangs from the rearview mirror of my car.  Do you still wear yours?  It's funny - my mom was here visiting and it was her mother we lost.  The pendant swung non-stop in the car.  Brings me comfort anyway.

Best,

Hallie

so much funny.......hahahaha

What can I say except "Amen" to the poem posted right at the beginning of this site. I believe it is from "Four weddings and a funeral?

It has been 9 weeks since Ben died and I am still finding the nights very hard. I get through the daytimes OK but sleep eludes me night after night. I had a course of sleeping pills (12, I think) to help me catch up on my sleep deficit after the horrific last 2 weeks of his illness, but I can see how easily one could become dependent on them as they work like a charm. I would not want that to happen so am riding out the storm unaided by drugs. Fortunately I am on pension so I can snatch rest or sleep whenever I need it as I do not have a forced schedule but I do long for a decent night's sleep. The last weeks before he died keep playing in my head over and over again and I can't stop crying. We were let down so badly by the District Nursing management and I feel so guilty that I could not manage better. With the 20/20 vision of hindsight I realise there were other options but I couldn't see them. The McMillan nurses then came to my aid for which I am eternally grateful. 

Sorry to ramble on but I do miss him so and I have to face the new year without him.

I must make the effort and get up now. 

So sorry for your loss MelodyAnne. It is very early days for you and you must still be in that state of numbness which people seem to find themselves in at the beginning. The 'reliving' if events is normal. Most people seem to find this happens but in time (and there is no rule to this) it does lessen. The sleep disturbance is also part of this horrible journey.  You never need to apologise. You just need to take each day a second at a time and try to be kind to yourself. It is so easy to beat yourself up with the 'what if's' and the 'if only's' but that just makes you feel much, much worse.Those guilty feelings do lessen in time but do have a tendency to resurface from time to time.  I don't know whether you are still dealing with financial issues etc but many people find that to be a long drawn out process.

I can remember the days when all I did was cry and never thought that I would stop crying. But one day I suddenly realised that I had not spent the whole day weeping.  I am not sure if this has helped at all but just wanted to offer some support to you.

Entering a new year without your man is very hard isn't it? I remember that first New Year so well. It felt like I was leaving him behind when in reality he was still here with me in my thoughts and memories.

Take care of yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. There is no time limit on it and everyone grieves differently.

Love and angel hugs xxx Patricia xxx

Thank you Patricia for you very kind words.

I know with my brain that we did the best we knew how, but somehow my heart cannot accept it.  I know too that he no longer suffers but I would so love to still have him with me. I have dealt with all the financial matters - Government, Council, pensions, bank and bills. Now life seems so pointless and I am having difficulty summoning up the energy for day to day existence. After the frenetic activity of his last few weeks, his death and dealing with the aftermath, followed closely by the festive season, I feel as if I have been run over by a steamroller. Add poor sleep and the mix is very hard to take. Again my head tells me this is normal but my emotions still run riot and refuse to settle. I am also still nursing a cough following a dreadful cold so have to take care and with the current cold, wet and windy weather am not getting out much either. 2013 was my "annus horribilis". First we lost a sister- in- law, then my brother and finally my husband. It could hardly have been worse, so I suppose 2014 should be better. Family and friends have been, and still are, very supportive but it is at night I need someone to talk to when I cannot sleep and I can hardly call anyone at 2 in the morning! 

Well, I must get up and get washed and dressed. The sky is clear for the present and I need to do some shopping. Milk is needed for that most British of all comforts, a nice cup of tea.

God bless and thanks again.

Love and hugs to you too

Melody

Dear Melody, I hope that you are managing to get a little sleep. I know how difficult that can be. No sleep, no-one to talk to, things going round and round in your head driving you crazy. Hopefully by now you are starting to feel a little better health wise. The weather appears to be turning quite frosty now so makes going out a less than appealing option. It is so easy to 'hibernate' away form the world but that then isolates us from the very people we need at this time. Take care of yourself and remember.... be kind to yourself. Take each day one second at a time. It is a very rocky road and the roller coaster can at times spiral out of control but I promise you it does settle eventually and becomes more controllable. That will be very hard to believe right now but trust me, that time will come.

Take care Melody.

Love nad angel hugs.  xxxx Patricia xxx

Hi Patricia,

I am doing a lot better now. I managed to shake off the lingering cough and am getting out and about now. I am helping a friend who has damaged her shoulder with cleaning once a week. I have also returned to the weekly dance class I used to attend but had no time for during 2013. Next month there will be a weekly water colour class, so you can see that I am picking up the threads again.

A friend who lost his wife to cancer too invited me to a coffee morning and I have been once. Don't know if I will repeat that though. However I will now start attending the monthly one at the Hospice now as I feel I can manage that.

The constant nightly rerun of the events of last year has mercifully stopped now. Flashbacks happen at the oddest times though and the tears are still very close to the surface. The weather seems to be brightening up again and I am getting out and about much more. Walking and getting tired out is a very good sleeping pill!

Thanks so much for caring xxx