My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Starting to panick now. I have lost my calm fascade. Going to see the priest today to finalise arrangements of hymns and readings etc for the church service. I will be alone on this occassion so hoping that I can retain my composure. We have already organised the music for the crem and I have been listening to it over and over in order to desensitise myself to the effects it is having on us all.  The eulogy is almost written but needs rearranging as it is all over the place. Will I manage to deliver it with composure on the day?? Who knows but I have to try.  Went to see dad yesterday and he looks so peaceful and as the funeral director said 'very dapper'. I do hope he approves of what we have dressed him in.

I am finding that yet again people are speaking to me and I am sometimes forgetting what they have said. Does this mean that my brain has started to shut down again? Am I falling into the depths of grief issues again? Oh I hope I do not fall into that deep dark pit again. It is not a nice place to be.  I am missing Ray so much at this time. He would have tried to help me through all this but instead I am trying and failing miserably, to deal with it myself. Don't get me wrong, I am not crying all the time because that would not be right.  I do however keep wanting to go to dad and see him, annoy him, show him how much I care for and love him. I cannot believe that this wonderful person has gone. My consolation is that I do believe in another realm or dimension and truly believe that he is now there with mum and Ray and other loved ones.

Thank you dear friends for your unending support in my seemingly endless hours of need.

I hope you all manage to have the best days you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Dear Patricia - sending you a huge ((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))) - as I am sure all our penguin friends are doing - to hold you up and help you through today....................

Love and more (((hugs)))

Dot xxx

Patricia hold tight to the sparkly rope my friend, we are not going to let you sink into the dark pit, you can and will get through this. I hope things went well with the priest, I'm sure he/she will have been lovely even if you did fall apart, they understand but I know that you wouldn't have wanted to cry "in public", but sometimes it is alright to let the outside world see a glimpse behind the mask we wear, sometimes I think they need to for their sakes and ours. You are and have been for a long time showing Dad how much you care and love him, he went from this world knowing that 100% you never need to worry that he didn't and as you say he is now safe with Mum and Ray and they will be sending you love and strength. Don't worry if you can't deliver the eulogy on the day, that is one of the things the priest is there for, to step in if needs be, or just as support. I thought I could stand and speak at mother-in-laws funeral and I managed to read the piece from her friend very well (it was lovely afterwards when her daughter came and thanked me for making it up beat as her mum had wanted it - she was unable to come herself), but then I decided I wanted to say a little from me, tell everyone and also mum-in-law just what she had come to mean to me, wrote it all out, practised it thought I would be fine. I think I got through the first few lines before falling apart, but my lovely Samantha came and stood beside me and together we faced the world and I managed. Again afterwards everyone was lovely and said that actually it meant more that they could see how it wasn't easy - so go for it my love, keep breathing, focus on something (not a person) at the back of the room and hopefully they won't need to put up the sub-titles! Dad will know what is in your heart and anyone who knows you will also know that too, don't be afraid to show it xxxxx

Hi Ailsa,

I sometimes think we forget that we are only human, and we pack too many things in a day, just because we feel it will stop us thinking too much.  I often think being bereaved (and I firmly think we are always bereaved no matter how far down the road we are) is a bit like recovering from an illness and we have to remember that we do tire easily.  don't know if this makes any sense or not.  I find if I have been really busy for a few day and get tired it takes me back down to places I do not want to revisit.  We have to be a bit kind to ourselves Ailsa, as the one person who would be watching our backs is no longer there and we have to do the watching. 

It is great that the date has been set for the wedding.  I am sure it will be a great day and you will enjoy it.  always believe that Chris will be there with you as he has been by your side every step of the way.  That is my thinking anyway.

Take care my friend.  It is a hard road we have to travel,  but travel it we must and it is surprising how we find the inner strength.  It is helped so much by our families and the wonderful friends we have met along the way that we would never have known in different  cirmcumstances.

Love

Pam xx

Just dropped by to say hi at 04.10 am. Yes you guessed it, yet again I am wide awake at silly o'clock.

I suppose I could take a leaf out of Ailsa's book and do some D.I.Y. but not really interested (and I don't think the neighbours would be too pleased either).  So here I am trawling the internet aimlessly. I guess I should really close down the computer and try to get some sleep but my brain is in overdrive. Oh well. I hope you are all tucked up cosy and sleeping peacefully.

Have the best day you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Morning Patricia - hope you managed to get some sleep.....I'd offer to sing you a lullaby..............but I sound like a strangled cat!!!!  Sorry - but no restful tunes from me......... so am sending you a gentle comforting (((hug))) instead xxxxxxx

Thank you Dot and Ailsa.

I slept a little better last night. Just a few hours but it was well overdue.  Felt a little more energised and cleaned mil's windows and frames.  Must do something in my own home now (if I can be bothered).

Ailsa, I hope you had a good day with the family. Don't wear yourself to a frazzle.

Dot, good luck with your pending surgery. (((hugs)))

I hope Lynne and Fiona's dads are a feeling a little better. Such a worry for you both.

Love and angel hugs to all. x x x Patricia x x x