My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening my lovely penguins (Jackie and the other newbies in case you haven't had it explained way back somewhere ago we felt that we were like a group of penguins that "huddle" together for warmth and support in the freezing north, so we are now a huddle of penguins and when someone is in need of extra love, help and support into the middle they go and we all keep guard around them, keeping them safe and warm until they are able to shuffle to the edge again and allow for others to go to the middle for a while. The Ledge you may hear of from time to time and that is another story......will come back to that) So, evening my lovely penguins, hope you are all ok and have your extra underwear out, although 'they' reckon that it is going to get warmer again for a few days, but with rain so maybe we should get an ark ready now instead of the usual yacht! (NB another story) Jackie, well done on getting through your day, you did him proud and as Ailsa has said give yourself some time now, remember that you have been through so much that it takes time to recover your strength as well as having to cope with the grief, you are firmly in the middle of the huddle right now. Ailsa you don't have to worry about making it special for Becky and Hamish it will be (a Scottish castle, ooh how gorgeous is that for starters), having the best mum there for her will be a huge thing for Becky, even though I know how much you will all miss Chris. Sam said at one point during the planning "I know I will miss Dad and I wish so much that he could be there, but I am going to enjoy my day and it will be the best day ever cos that's what Dad would have wanted and that's what he would have made sure it was. I'm sad that he won't be there with us and giving me away but I can't change it and he wouldn't want to spoil it" Bless her she enjoyed every moment of that day and your Becky is marrying a lovely guy who Chris would surely approve of, even if he would make all of his jokes too and you will feel his balancing when you start to stress, you'll know what he would say to you. All that said I'm here anytime you need me, for help, advise, a cup of tea, a shoulder to cry/lean on and always a hug xxxxxx Lynne, Fiona how are your dads - and how are you? Patricia are you doing alright at the moment, I think of you lots. Bren I know you posted a page or two ago so sending you a big English hug. Now I am off to find a nice Baileys and a cup of coffee, feel like I could do with one tonight - been at work with Daniel and things are still very worrying there and now also worrying about Daniels health, it's most probably IBS (it IS going to be IBS) but he has seen a consultant and is having a colonoscopy on 2nd November. Poor Dan was in tears telling me, he is so worried, I hope I managed to convince him not to worry too much as it is all precautionary and IBS does run in the family but I will also sleep better once we know for sure. Hence a large Baileys is required I think. Lots of love to everyone xxxxxxxxx

Evening penguins

Having read a few of the most recent posts I feel there are a few of you/us that ought to spend a little time in the middle of the huddle.  Care and attention guaranteed.........tea, coffee, Baileys or whatever on tap to console, calm, lift up those that feel they may be falling down a little just now............

Love and lots of comforting (((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) to you all

Dto xxx

Hi Pammie, Ailsa Rosemary and all other penguins, sorry still trying to learn names.

I feel honoured to be a member of your huddle, I am following all your posts, but as yet do not feel ready to participate fully. I do have one good friend on here, who's cicumstances mirror my own, our husbands died within a day of each other, diagnosis dates and everything, same age, been together same amount time etc and we pm each other every day, we have been a great help to each other, and at the moment my concentration span isn't big enough to cope with much else. As you will know I seem to spending most of my time filling out forms and making phone calls, taking me ages to through everything, but do a litte each day.

I did take the step today and went to see my GP, so I feel better for that. I still have the feeling though that  I am just an onlooker and that its not really happening. The waves are still washing over me at an alarming rate.

Take care penguins and thankyou all so much

love Jackie x

Jackie, that feeling of being an onlooker is perfectly normal. For a very long time I felt like I was watching someone else's life like a black and white movie. It was a very strange and surreal time. The form filling and phone calls can seem insurmountable especially at such an emotional time. I would suggest to you that you get someone to help you. Please take extra care where the tax office is concerned. They can be very helpful but not always. I am now in the process of dealing with them yet again. Fortunately I have a wonderful sister who is helping me. I wish you well.

Rosemary, I am sure you have better things to do than think about me. But as you asked I will tell you. I have been having a lot of dental treatment lately and it has ended in a very distressing tooth extraction today. I felt very foolish because I ended up crying (it was extremely painful). I hope NEVER to have to endure such a thing again. The upside of it is that I cannot eat much so maybe.... just maybe... I could shed a few pounds (yeah right... dream on).  I am still going to dad's every day to make sure he is ok and to take him his meals. Fighting with the GP's surgery has been an absolute nightmare. Sadly a lot of what I am doing brings back unwanted memories of when Ray was ill but hey ho. Others have similar or worse problems so I guess I should just get a grip and learn to live with it.

I hope Rosemary that everything is ok with regard to your son. Such a worry for you and as we all know the waiting game is not fun at all.

Ailsa, as Rosemary has said, you are a lovely mum and will I am sure do your best to help make Becky and Hamish's wedding day as perfect as possible. Can't wait to see you as mother of the bride.

Dot I hope things are well with you and Alan x x

Oh yes I forgot to say, my son and his family are now safely home in England so I hope to visit them very soon.

Lots of love and angel hugs to everyone. x x x Patricia x x x

Well here I am at 06.01 having not had one wink of sleep. it is sooo frustrating.  Thought I was gradually getting past this. (I have recently had at least two hours sleep in one go). I am exhausted but after lying in bed tossing and turning I have decided to get up. I am fed up with this now. when oh when will I start to get some decent sleep?? I have to work tonight and am going to be no good to anyone. Sorry for the rant but I have no-one else to talk to at the moment.

love Patricia x x

Good evening everyone.  Patricia I know you will be at work now but hopefully you will get this message when you get home after your shift.  I hope you get through tonight okay after waking up so early.  You sleep badly enough at the best of times without dentistry and your Dad as added reasons for lying awake.  Sending you some big (((hugs))).  Really nice that your son and his family are safely back in the UK - enjoy your catchup with them.

Jackie I hope you are doing okay with the paperwork.  It seems endless doesn't it.  It is lovely that you have someone to talk to even if your circumstances are not what any of us would have chosen as a reason for developing a friendship.  If you had to chose anyone to be close to it would be someone who is walking in your shoes and is at a similar stage to yourself.  A lot of us who post here have said that it is really only those who have walked a mile in our shoes who understand how this really feels.  Sending you some (((hugs))) as well.

Pam I think you were going to be working today & I get the impression it may be the first time for a little while.  If that is the case I hope it has all gone well. You will be shattered if you haven't done it for a while.  I am sure you will be brill at it and it is good to have another distraction now the days are getting shorter.

Fiona, Bren & everyone else looking in, I hope you are all okay this evening and have something planned for the weekend.  My youngest sister & her family are visiting my parents this weekend so I will be spending quite a bit of the weekend with them as well.  My mum & dad are moving to the village next to mine which will be very useful if dad (or mum) get ill again. I think they want to take my sister to see it although they can only look through a fence as the site is not yet open to the public.  That will be the next big job, moving them from one bungalow to another.  They can do it piecemeal though so that will take some of the pressure off.

Rosemary I hope you are okay and not worrying too much about Dan.  I know that is a pointless ask but you are right to think that it is most probably IBS.  Such a concern for you though until you get the results of the colonoscopy.  We will never take health for granted again will we?

Well that is me for tonight everyone.  Sleep well if possible.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx

Hi all my lovely penguins, hope the weekend has gone as well as it could.

Ailsa, I was so pleased to hear about Becky’s wedding and I am sure you will be brilliant..  Sometimes the thought of these things are worse than the actual day aren’t they.  I am sure you and Becky will make Chris proud as he watches from afar.

 I hope you enjoyed the weekend with your family.  It is good to catch up isn’t it and it is good that your mum and dad are moving near.  It must take a load of your mind knowing they are close at hand.

Rosemary I think an Arc sounds really great, but not sure about the animals though (expect for the penguins of course). So sorry to hear that Daniel is not feeling too good, but I am sure it is IBS or the like.  The trouble is, with our history; we always think the worst don’t we. Get stuck into that Baileys, it won’t change anything, but boy it does make you feel better doesn’t it xx

Jackie I hope you are getting through hun.  It is so hard at the beginning.  So much to do and not much inclination to do it.  You know we are all here for you when you need it.  Remember we have all walked in your shoes and we really know how you are feeling. It is good that you have a friend who also knows how you feel.  I did, and still do, find that helps so much.  I know people try to understand but if they have not been through what we have they do not really have any idea.  It is not their fault; we were probably the same before…. Glad you have been to see your GP, you need all the help you can get x.

Patricia, sorry to hear that you have been having trouble with your teeth.  Of course you cried, that is nothing to feel sorry about, our emotions are all over the place and I am coming to think, will always be.  So I think the dentist should have given you ‘a brave soldier’ sticker.  Sorry you are having problems with your dad’s treatment.  I believe that they do not know as much as they would like us to think they do. But hope your father is improving, it is such stress to be under after what you have been through.  Glad to hear you have your son and family back here again, that will help you when you need it.  Sorry to hear you are still not sleeping well.  I know you will probably think they are a last resort, but do you think you need something just to get your sleep pattern back on track. 

I enjoyed getting back to work on Friday even if it is only for a few days.  I know I have my Saturday job, but it is only every other so does not really stretch me that much.  I have been asked to do some temping for a few days.  It stretches over the next couple of months, which is good, me thinks.  I still do not think I am emotionally strong enough to take on full time work.  I do seem to get tired more quickly, even if it has been over a year now since I lost Martin. I have got to work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday so I reckon I will be exhausted by then.  I never thought I would be back working again, but then I never thought this would be my life.  Everything has changed so much hasn’t it?

I was invited to a charity ball, which was yesterday, and I was really dreading it.  This was another first.  I was so worried that I would get upset, being with all the ‘couples’ again.  But I was so surprised that I did actually have a good time.  And I danced.  Oh how I danced.  And I really enjoyed it.  It is the first time I have danced for at least eighteen months.  Again, it was the thought that was actually worse than the day.  I know I was missing Martin and I know I felt sad, but that is part of my daily life now.  But I was still able to enjoy the night and that felt good.  Perhaps I have taken another small step forward into this new life.

Did anyone see Esther Ransom on This Morning earlier in the week.  I think she also wrote an article in the Daily Mail.  She was talking about living alone after we have lost our partners.  She really summed it up well.  She said ‘I have plenty of people to do anything with but have no one just to do nothing with’.  I found that so true and I am sure you can all relate to that one. 

Well I will sign off now, have a think of what to have for tea and sit down to another exciting evening watching the TV. 

So take care all my lovely penguins, the days are shorter and the weather is getting colder but we have the lovely huddle when we feel the need.

Take care
Pammie xx 

To all my lovely penguin friends, thank you so much for all the support you have given me over the time you have known me. It is with great and deep sadness that I have to tell you that my lovely dad passed away on Sunday afternoon. We cannot begin to make any 'arrangements'  because we are awaiting news of whether the coroner will accept police report and allow doctor to issue death certification.  This is a new nightmare in my already topsy turvy life.

Sorry for the miserable post.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Patricia, I am so sorry to hear your sad news, take care.

Love Jackie xxxx

Dear Patricia - I am so very sorry to hear about your Dad

Love and many comforting (((hugs))) for you and your family

Dot xxx