Hi everyone, glad Christmas is now over.  My worst time when I was drowning and definitely not swimming  was Christmas Eve night.  Having to set out the kids stockings and kidding them that I'd just seen Rudolph in the sky ... it was just heartbreaking on my own.  My dad and brother stayed all Christmas day and that went ok and I've spent the last few days away at Butlins in Skegness with two of my girl friends.  It was nice to get away and having constant company stopped me from crying like I do when I'm at home but I did have a few moments.  One night the entertainment was the hits from Queen and 'Who wants to Live Forever' was played .... felt like screaming 'not forever'....but at least till he was 60!!! (although I know that is still too young).  The girls loved it but for all the fun they had I just saw it through sad eyes because Carl can't see it and should be able too ....

Since getting home think I've cried most of the day, haven't even held it off in front of the kids but just told them its normal and not to worry.  He'd hate for me to be this way but can't help it at the moment.

Keep thinking back to last years NYE when we were full of hope and the things we said..... the treatment would work, this time next year you'll be in remission ........ neither of us thought for one minute that chemo wouldn't work.

I've got a few friends coming round tomorrow ad we're letting our lanterns off at midnight. 

As well about thinking about myself I'm thinking about you all and logging on to read all the threads was the first thing I did before even unpacking.  Love and hugs to everyone xxxxx

Sounds like everyone needs a hug this week.  It has been a tough time.   I also found this second Christmas worse than last year, maybe I am finding myself so much  more lonely.  It was great to see the family, I skipped Christmas dinner once again but did visit with most of them and my elderly aunt as well as cousins from New York state who drove up to see me.  That was lovely.  The drive was so long and lonely even though I did it in two days.  It was great to meet with Maureen from this site, wish we lived closer.

So now I am home and back to work on Monday.  I found NYE last year was worse than Christmas even though we  never really did much, most years I would sit and watch the ball drop with my cats, listening to the snoring from the next room!  But it also means another year starting without him.

I did have a couple of moments, when I returned from my aunt's, Danny's car was in front of MIL's, of course it was his brother driving it but it gave me a start and then when he drove us to visit my niece, he had Danny's key chain with the car key on it that we got in Alaska, that got to me although I gave it to Neil and I am quite happy for him to have the car and key chain.

Lunch with a friend tomorrow and if my other friend is healthy enough, she has a bad cold, we will go to see Gulliver's Travels on the weekend so I am trying to not sit here alone for the next 3 days.

hugs and penguin huddles, I will be first in line for that Baileys

Hi everyone.  I hope everyone is doing okay this morning.  It looks like the fog we had for a few days has cleared so maybe I will be able to let a lantern off tonight.  I feel like I have just this last evening to do and then I can relax a little if only because my lovely friends and family will back off a little and give me some space.  I really don't want to be ungrateful but I am so ready for a little peace and quiet and time alone with my thoughts.  Even though it is hard work I am sure I would not want them all to go away at all but it just gets a bit exhausting sometimes.  I have mentioned before that I have a lovely neighbour who used to work with Chris.  She is always on a mission to make sure I have things to do and keep me occupied so this evening she will be at my house from 7pm.  Becky, Hamish & Declan are coming round for a few hours but then going back to Becky's so that they can both have a drink together.  When they go my neighbour & I are going to wrap up and attempt to get a drink in the local pub.  Personally I am not hopeful but we will have tried!  Then it is back to mine or hers for a few nibbles and some TV until midnight.  My neighbour is set on setting off some fireworks so I hope we are at her house!  They scare me a bit and I have never set one off.  Sometime during the evening my youngest daughter and my son plan to turn up but they haven't said when yet.  If I am honest I would have liked to spend this night at home with my own thoughts but no-one is going to let that happen so I will get on with it - I will get swimming Helen!  Get ready with that bailey's Rosemary as I am going to need it by midnight I think.

It sounds like so many of us are finding NYE very difficult.  Gayle - have a great time in the pub tonight.  To all of you staying home - I will be thinking of you and sending huge ((((((hugs)))))) xxx.  Dot I am thinking like you and feel a need to look forward and make some resolutions.  I want to get fitter in 2011.  If I am going to be such a 'busy' person I would like more of the 'busy' to be fun.  Good luck with the driving Dot!

Helen I had to smile - I just can't imagine you as 'big' H - your tiny.  It sounds like the wedding was a wonderful lift at this time of year.

Bren it is nice to hear from you and glad you met up with Maureen during your long drive.  It must have been very mixed feelings for you seeing Danny's car.  I occassionally see Chris's van because it is owned by one of my son's friends now.  I don't know the new owner so I am never sure when or where I will see it - it always makes me smile when I see it though.

Rosemary thank you for looking after us all again.  I hope you are okay.  How is your FIL?  I will be thinking about you as the 8th gets closer.  It is Chris's birthday on the 6th so this coming week is never far from my thoughts.  Sending you lots of ((((((hugs)))))).

I have Declan until lunchtime so I am going to take him to visit one of Chris's sisters so she can make a fuss of him.  Then I will take him for lunch before taking him home to his mum.  Thank you all for being there this past year and I hope you all find the best way for you to do this NYE.  Best wishes from Ailsa xxx

To all you dear penguins. 

I shall be at home with my mother, and probably in bed by 10.

For many years Alan and I hosted a NYE party for everyone who had nowhere to go , and usually had between 40 and 60 guests. Everyone brought some food and drink, and we always ended up dancing in the street at midnight.

Too old for all that palaver now. 

xxxxxx

Hugs to all the penguins -- I will be having an early night too this new year hard  - (-these 1sts girls )the tears have been flowing more these past few weeks +  like u dot dont think having a bad cold has helped + its very loathe to leave me -- hope we all have some good times in 2011 --I hope to eat healthier + try + lose weight + win the lottery then I can treat all my pals on this site to a weekend away -- anyway I'll raise a baileys to u all tonight as this site has helped so much -- (((( hugs)))) + love lynda

Hi everyone.

Am at work just finishing off until we are 'released' at 3.30. 

Well this will actually be my third Christmas and New Year as 'just Judes'.  Is it any easier ..... well in all honesty .... probably slightly - Yes.  Do I miss my darling as much - with every breath I take.   But with every breath I take I am 'finding myself' more and more over the last few months.  I am sure work and the new house has had a lot to do with that.

If I am honest I am really not sure that it is wholly appropriate for me to say here that "You know what, I am learning to cope and to realise that Ed gave me SO much of my personality - and if he thought I was an okay person then maybe I should try and live life a little more". 

The start of another year without him - the last two New YEar's eves have been almost unbearable - but although I have no plans to go out or do anything exciting, just a girlfriend round for supper and a few drinks, followed by me and the dogs walking  or stotting - (a Scottish word, ask Gayle or Fiona???!! lol) her home after ..... it is ok, they know the way!!    I remember so vividly the feelings that you Becky, Pammie and all our newer penguins are going through, so vividly.  All I would like to say is - try to hold on, just get through it one day at a time, keep swimming, keep writing about your thoughts, your anguish, your hurt and the unjustness of it all - and I hope and have my fingers crossed that in a while - I can't say if it will be months or years - but at some time you will feel as I now feel, you can go on an have a life rather than just living.  Find the value in the little things again, find the joy of a 'good day' without it always ending up in tears because it wasn't a 'shared day'.  ...... although I do believe that at certain times tears are a definite requirement!! Our men deserve that!.

So I am with Rosemary in one of the lifeboats ..... only lthis year I feel strong enough to be shouting out for you and pulling you safely onboard while Rosemary pours the drinks ....... can I have a hat and a whistle Rosemary?  Ah go on!!!  ..................... 

So I will raise a glass to all of you at midnight - to my chums who took me in when I needed them, who understood when no one else did, who have, over the last year and a half supported me, laughed and cried with me, picked me up and dusted me down, let me rant and rave, let me write complete and utter nonsense - but mostly for always being there. I truthfully believe I would not have found my way back from The Edge without you. 

Love you guys.

Judes xxxxxxxx

I am sitting here trying to read your posts but am finding it so hard to see the screen.  I have been crying all morning.  I decided to update next years calender from my old one and that made me so sad.  All the hospital dates, all the hopes that he might get well, then all the dread when I found out he wouldn't.  Dates of losing him, dates of funerals Oh so many dates I don't really want to remember. Then I decided to take the tree down and the few deccies I had put up.  Didn't want them up in the first place, but you now how it is ,..............family and all that...............

So that is two more firsts.  One doing my calender when he is not here and taking the deccies down on my own.  At this moment in time I don't think I am going to come through this.  I feel such a sense of dread and so alone.  Not lonely, as I have so many friends and family, but alone.  there is a diference and I think you penguins will understand.

Everyone is getting on with their own lives now, which makes me feel worse.  I know that they have every right to, but in the mood I am feeling I feel so jealous.  So jealous of my daughters with their partners, so jealous of my friends with their partners.  I know I am being really unreasonable, but in this moment it time I don't  really care.  Now what sort of mum and friend does that make me then.

I know that this is just a bad day and I know it will pass, but today, this moment in time and I definately not managing and cannot believe I  can cry so much.

Will not be seeing in the NY, another first I might add.  But what do I want to see the NY in for, It holds no joy for me now.  I have no NY resolutions to make, the only one  wish I cannot ever have.

I am so sorry for this outburst as I know you are all feeling it at this time of year. But where else can I let my feelings go without fear of feeling silling or regretting what I say. 

I really think I need the boat and the Baileys.

Love and (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Pam xx

Oh love Im bringing my boat alongside and trying to haul you in! Yes you can let it all out on here, there is no way to heal till you have got it all out. I am sending you a cyber cuddle (((((((((((((((((((((((((((gentle hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Our loved ones are in our hearts which is why the pain is there i think. I try and think what Ed would want me to do but he had said I was to be strong and the boys would be there for me. So I try to make him proud though I break down every day. This is much much harder then I ever dreamed it would be but we can do it, you can make Martin proud. Giving yourself time to grieve without feeling guilty is a part of it. We dont have to have resolutions when we struggle to cope hour by hour, hang on there ,if you cant swim then just float and let it all wash over you, your strength will come back. In the meantime get out the Baileys.

Take care of yourself, you are very special to so many, love leisha xxxxxxx

Hello my lovely penguins,

I just popped on here and saw all the sad posts and also lots of nice hopeful ones too.  I echo your thoughts Auntie Judes so beautifully put that I truly would not have got here today in one sane piece without you all.  You are all such lovely amazing people and have been true friends and lifelines to me and I will be thinking of each and every one of you tonight at midnight and will most definitely raise a glass (so you might hear a wee cheers at the bells :)).  I am trying hard today to not sit with my thoughts.  I want to stay positive today as Christmas was a huge nosedive for me and I need to pick myself up again.  So onwards and upwards with lots of swimming.  I will maybe have a few tears before my friends come over later and then off out to the pub although I am shattered tonight.  I have been drinking every night this week for one reason or another and that is not like me so my body is saying enough!  Dot, my new years resolution is to lose a stone.  I have been saying it for long enough but I am going to do it this year.  I am determined lol.  Big H :)  loved the wedding story and hope you have a nice time with G tonight.  Ailsa, I hope your night goes okay.  Well done J on going on holiday but don't beat yourself up about crying in front of the children.  They need to know that its okay to grieve and you are in such early days.  Big hugs to you and I hope you get through tonight okay.  Lynda, hope you feel better soon and Rosemary I hope the family are okay as they can be and you get through tonight okay too. 

Well I better sign off as I am on a big tidy up seeing as its hogmany.  Then I am heading for my bed for a few hours before the parties begin.

Take care penguins and lets hope this time next year we will all be in a much better place. 

Lots of love

Gayle xxxxx

Lynne

love and hugs

Sue xx