My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Morning everyone xxx

Pam, yes everything does seem a big deal and a lot to cope with you when its just you making the decision or responsible for it. I remember trying to put a blind up and getting so cross with myself and upset cause I didnt know how!!! Managed it in the end though lol!! You are doing so well, just keep swimming!!!

Kay and Grace it is such early days and like already been said we have all been through that. I remember wondering will there be a day when I dont cry?? Then I only cried a few times a day then once a day then felt sooooo guilty because I had a day when I didnt cry! Dont worry I cried then, but I know Paul didnt want me to spend day in day out crying. He always laughed and made jokes right to the end so I promised him I would be happy and enjoy life. Took a lot longer than I expected and yes I beat myself up about that! But I think I am now doing him proud and trying to make the best of things. Dont get me wrong I still miss him like crazy ahd am having a few tears now typing this but I do laugh about him too and smile with memories more nowadays.

Sorry for that essay lol x Take a day at a time, an hour at a time some days xxx

Well I have nothing planned for this weekend, and I am actually not scared about that thought! Not yet anyway lol x G is working and Nat is still poorly so going to do some cleaning and maybe some de cluttering. I am in the middle of having my hall stairs and landing decorated so had to empty a large bookcase on the landing. OMG!! How much can you fit on a bookcase! It is NOT all going back on. may do some ebaying!

No bonfires for me, may watch the club at the back`s display from my window. Warmer that way lol!

Ailsa enjoy the hot dogs and beer tent!! That would be the attraction for me too!!!

Have a good Saturday everyone

Helen xxx

Well I have surprised myself!!!

Just realised the date and it is 18 months today since Paul died xx Should I feel guilty I am not counting days, weeks like we did this time last year. No big build up, just thinking where on earth has the time gone?

So loving memories of my lovely man xxxx cant believe so much time has passed without you here, still feels like yesterday in so many ways. Love you always xxxxx

H xxx

No guilt, Helen

It is as it should be.

Not long since we were all counting how many days since...... hours even.......

Take care - you are doing brilliantly

Sue xx

You re right Sue, as usual lol xxxxx Thanks xxx

Sounds like you enjoyed yesterday xxx

Helen xx

It was wonderful. The youngest child was 15 weeks old, and the oldest was 4 and a half.   They are just amazing little children, and their parents and extended families are just as  amazing - it's a very humbling and privileged position to be able to work with them.  Loads of laughter amongst the inevitable worries ; no 'poor us', no 'if only..' - just getting on with things and making life as fulfilling as it possibly can be for these special little ones.

I love it.

Sue xx

Hello everyone,

Helen I think its a "good" sign as such that you aren't counting the days the same.  I had a moment like that yesterday as I bought my friend concert tickets for June next year for her Xmas and never even thought then last night realised oh no is that father days (the day Wully died).  It isn't thankfully but I was glad if you know what I mean that it took me a couple of days to realise.  Sending hugs to our new posters.  I am so sorry you find yourself here but you will find great support.  That feeling of lonliness is something felt by all of us.  I lost my best friend and miss him every day.  I still phone his mobile regularly to hear his voice on his voicemail and oh what I would give to have 5 minutes with him.  Life is so unfair but you will find a new "normal" life.  Sadly not what we want to do but we have to xxx  I don't have the problem over DIY, etc either which I suppose I was "lucky" about.  My husband was so very ill for 12 months before he died that I did everything for him and about the house so I know I am independant enough to do it all on my own but it would be nice to have a little help sometimes.  It can be so tiring doing it all on your own and looking after my boys.  What I would give for a long lie while Wully got up with the kids in the morning.  Sue, I am so pleased you are getting so much from your volunteering and I am sure the children are getting so much from you too as you are a lovely caring person.  I hope you enjoy your firework night Ailsa and I hope you manage yours too Pam.  Fiona, my thoughts are with your family and hopefully G will make a speedy recovery and the tests are good news.  Lynne, hope you are enjoying your weekend and Patricia hope you are well. 

I've had a funny few days.  That rollercoaster again.  I have been pining a lot for Wully the past few days.  As I said what I would give just to speak to him for 5 minutes again.  This time of year isn't helping and of course all my current troubles mean that I need my best friend to be here.  I had a moment when I was clearing out the damaged stuff from the house and realised the baby books had been ruined.  That of course started all the tears.  Wully had wrote in some of the pages and that was what I was so upset about as I have very little with his handwriting.  I have kept them but the pages are all ruined.  Some good news (I think!) in that the woman has perhaps moved out my house.  I saw her loading up a van with her furniture on Friday so I will find out on Monday but I am really hopeful and it looks promising.  The house I saw on Friday was really nice too so if she hasn't gone then I can go for that one.  Should hopefully have things moving Monday either way.  We need to get out this house asap as they need to rip out the downstairs and can't do it until I move out so they are pushing me to go although they are very understanding and have been good.  I was out last night too and had a good night.  I am very lucky to have such a good friend and we always have a good time although was very rough this morning :) 

Anyway, I am off for an early night tonight as busy day tomorrow clearing out my garage and getting my packing finished for the move.  I am sick of the sight of boxes!!!  I have packed them, unpacked the damaged ones, repacked them and will need to unpack them again!  I am just trying to find the energy for the next couple of weeks as it is going to be tough but I just can't wait to be settled again with the boys in our own "normal" home again.

Take care penguins and hope you are having as good a weekend as you can.

Gayle xxx

aww gayle, ((((((hugs)))))) x x x

Just caught up with you all on her and sending lots of hugs all round - how about a quiet Baileys on the ledge (hot chocolate also available for you Patricia and the rest of us too) watch a few fireworks from a distance (there's a wonderful view from the ledge of a night, it there aren't many fireworks left I can promise you stars).  Pam I loved your last few posts they all proved how quickly you have become a fully fledged penguin and are already supporting others - well done my love!  So lots of love to you all, newbies and oldbies alike, hope you all have a peaceful and restful night, remember all our loved ones are still near and even if we can't feel them or see them they watch over us as we sleep.  Night night all xxxxxxxxx

Morning Penguins, welcome to our new ladies and keep posting as I lost my husband 23 months ago and this site has been a life line for me and I mean it when I say don't know how I would have got through without the support of all the lovely friends I have met on here. I have had an awful week with the worry of Kim's husband and of course trying to support Kim. There has been loads of tears as she said she just wishes her dad was still here for her. Hopefully her husband will make a full recovery. My night not been good as loads of tears and not much sleep. Another day though and as we say we have to keep swimming. Sorry for the rant. Hope everyone else doing ok, Gayle I hope you get your house this week and you and the boys can get settled again. Well I better get some housework done before going to cemmie. Hugs to you all. Fiona xxxxxxx

Good afternoon you lovely Penguins,

I have been out shopping this morning with a friend, only round Morrisons and then round the town.  But I actually enjoyed myself.  Even looked at a few Christmas things.  But only looked, did not want to think too much about that.  I did come down to earth with a bang when I got home.  And although no tears I did feel sad.  Sad for Martin that he was not there, sad for me being alone.  But I also knew that I could go out and feel happy and that these times will get longer and longer.  I think reading all your trials and achievements have really helped me.  I can look a bit further into the future now and know that things will only get better as time goes on.  So thank you my lovely penguins for showing me the way through this long lonely time and I saw there would be light at the end of my tunnel.

Dot, thank you for your encouragement, and I know that one day I will get some colour back.  It is just the time in between that seems so long.  I have a great son-in-law who will come round and do anything I need doing, but I feel I need to learn to do a lot for myself.  And I do like the sense of acheivement I get when what I do goes right.  And when it goes wrong I just think Oh well, thats a bugger and THEN call my son-in-law xx

Helen, how are you getting on with your de-cluttering.  I keep thinking I must start sorting out, but then the thought goes away and I leave it for another day.  And Helen, you have nothing to feel guilty about.  I just hope I can be where you are when I look back in 18 months time.  But you have such lovely memories and time cannot take those away from you.  I want to move on so much but I know I will always take my memories with me.  xx

Sue, I am glad you enjoyed your first week at work.  I know I am not ready to go to work yet.  I retired so that I could spend time with Martin, little did I know how little time we would have.  But I will probably go back to work again, I can't sit around all the time thinking of what might have been.  But I have decided that, I might like to do some sort of volantary work.  Don't know what yet, but I think something will crop up when I am ready. xx

Gayle, looks like good news about your house.  I hope you manage to get back in it soon and then you can leave all the damage behind you.  I know what you mean about this time of year.  I have found it is harder.  You shut the curtains earlier and the evening seems so much longer.  I just cudle up on the sofa with a duvet that Martin used to use when he could not sleep and spent the night on the sofa.  It warms me and makes me feel safe.  Something Martin used to do. This time of year is a sad time.

Thank you Rosemary for your post.  Life is still very hard and the crying is still very intense, but it does help to look out past your own grief and perhaps help others in theirs.  Hope that does not sound too pompous, I don't mean it to be. But I think you probably know what I mean.

Fiona, I hope next week goes better for you.  And I wish all you lovely penguins a peacefull Sunday and a good week ahead.

Might see you in the pool xx

Lots of love and ((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Pam xx