My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Thinking PC World might be calling me!! Lappy died last night, can`t switch it on!!!! :(

RIP helen's lappy - get down to PC world, girlie!!!! can't do without you here.

Hi Everyone,  What a day we have here we had gales thunder and lightening and heavy downpours through the night so you will have all guessed i didn't sleep much again. Got up and my glasses fell apart so good start to morning so out i went in pouring rain to opticians and i had to walk as could not see right to drive. Thats them sorted though so now i can see again i thought never mind the housework get on to your laptop and post to all you lovely friends that keep me going with all your good posts. I am working at 12.30 till 5 but doubt if we will be busy today as need a boat to get about, will take my book with me. Kim just phoned and taken me out for tea tonight as she thinks her time going in and had a very restless night so thinks baby may not be long now (knowing her i will be waiting another 3 weeks yet) Her flat sale went through ok so thats another thing off her mind. Lynne my friend just back last week from Benidorm and she said it was lovely and warm so go for it, like everyone else says wish we all could go, but i will have to put up with rain rain and more rain. Well i better go and get changed for work hope you all have a nice day and are not too bored with this weather. Luv and Higs Fiona xxxxxxxxx  

Hope you have windscreen wipers on those new specs Fiona!  And yes Benidorm seems like the better option today, it absolutely tipped whilst we were at the yard this morning, didn't think we would bother turning the horses out, but then it cleared and Beckham said something like "s*d it, get me to the field!" so they went out for the morning with their raincoats on.

Lynne, you have a wonderful time in Benidorm and be aware that you are there on behalf of ALL of us so you go girl!  And by the way the point of cooking for "only one" is that that one is YOU so make extra at weekends and freeze portions and do as Patricia has told you and make scrummy things for you and treat yourself and look after yourself.  Fingers crossed for Gordons friend, it;s so frightening how fast these things happen.

Patricia the fish and chips sound good,glad mother in law made it up the stairs to enjoy them too.  Oooh could just do with a portion now....

Helen, poor laptop hope you find a replacement quickly.  Hugs for you and your best friend it won't be easy for either of you but as you say she has been there for you and you know how much that has meant to get you through. 

Judi, take a bottle of wine to the computer with you, get one of those chiller buckets and be totally decadent!  Or do like I have now done and get a little computer desk and move the whole thing into the lounge, this way I get to see the tv and be with Samantha in the evenings and don't do my fingers in so much as with the laptop (although my wrist is giving me gip at the moment from the angle of the keyboard!).

Sue Ilove those little pictures, keep them coming!  Dottee and Manda big hugs, sorry hig bugs, no bug higs, to you both for the weekend, hope things are ticking along for you. 

Talking of In Laws as one of you was, I too always get the "How are you?" question with the emphasis on the "you" and always reply "I'm fine", how do I tell them that actually today I drove home in tears from dropping Samantha off with friends because I heard a song that reminded me of Steve, of today I felt so down that when I finally got 10 minutes to myself with coffee when Sam went for her rest that I sat and sobbed all over the dogs?  They don't want to hear it and I don't want to tell them, as you say what can they do but haul you off to the docs or counselling or whatever, none of it will solve anything as it can't bring Steve back and return us all to normallity can it?  Now they are harping on about coming over for my birthday (after wanting to go out for lunch) and I just can't explain to anyone that everytime I think of my birthday I remember last year and it hurts so much that I just want to forget the whole thing.  Ah well its only MY birthday so why should I get what I want, better make everyone else happy I suppose, it makes for an easier life.

Well I had better stop rambling, be impressed cos Icame armed with pen and paper today and went back two pages to try and catch up with you all.  Probably havent and have missed some vital bits and pieces, so apologies to anyone I have not mentioned or anything I've not mentioned, bear with me my next step is to wear my glasses so I can actually READ what is on the screen!

Love and soggy higs to you all, will look in again later whilst watching X Factor, but not through squinty eyes so they don't see I'm doing it.  But I WON'T vote for anyone however much I like them, what is the point? xxxxx

Morning all , well i mised you all yesterday but i can keep up to date with the posts through my mobile so i can keep my eye on you all lol. My daughter dragged me round the shops again , she's got loads of her xmas shopping done but i cant even think about it , i just keep buying loads of trivia that i dont really need but hey ho its always fun to spend , she then dragged (and i mean dragged ) ha ha not really to her local to watch england play , i got in about 11 and tried to watch x factor but fell asleep so going to catch up with it this morning .

Judes your idea of the red shoes clicking is far better than my blink of an eye , in fact i'm off to get some now lol . I think pc world is going to be very busy this weekend Judi you have got to get one , we cant have you freezing upstairs and Helen please please get yours sorted we cant do without you either .xx

 Patricia the fish and chips sounded great and you have shamed me into doing a "proper shop"  and proper food , and if you could find your way to my house you can come with me ., in fact i wish you all would and Esme i will have a drink(or 2 )for you all , i'll have to try and get my head round getting sorted this week .When anybody asks me how i am now i usually say "i have bad days and less bad days "  , i hate saying "ok and fine " cos sometimes i'm not . I dont cry everyday now but i find when i haven't cried for a day or so its its worse when i do . Does that make any sense at all ? .xx

 Fiona you must be so relieved the flat sale has gone through its one less thing for Kim to worry about , just concentrate on getting the little bambino born now , i can feel a little "wetting of the babies head" coming on , i'm getting excited for you . My daughter is kinda trying for a baby , well if it happens it happens she says , so i'm hoping it does . xx

Sue i hope your well and you never fail to amuse me with your pics , where would we be without you ? xx

Hurry up Gayle and get that internet sorted we need your posts too . Wonder how  Ailsa's weekend is going , cant wait to see the pics .xx

. Hi Dottee , hope Alan is feeling a little better , good luck for tommorow xx Hope your doing ok Amanda hun xx

Well i'd better get dressed and call to see dad , not sure who is coming for dinner today as the lads are in Manchester watching some kinda sadistic fighting ughh . Hopeing for a quietish day as i'm up at 5 in the morning .

Lynnexxxx

Hi everyone,  so much to catch up with on here today that I won't even try to fit it all in! So I'll apologise now for missing names and things...

It's been good to find a few of you on facebook - it's easier to use than this site... (I've tried to post twice already today and neither of them have appeared so am hoping this one works ok.)  Not sure who asked about when my wedding was, but it was July 4th 1998. We were together for years before that - Hayley was 4 when we got married - but it was always on the cards, just had better things to spend the cash on!

Funny how we all use the stock answers 'up and down', 'bad days and less bad days'... It's impossible for me to tell people how I'm really feeling - when I have tried, I find that they feel very uncomfortable and try and change the subject. No one talks to me about Miles either - they must be scared of the reaction. So the result is, the outside world thinks I am doing ok - and they are comfortable thinking that - but behind closed doors I am falling to pieces. Is it the same for all of us?

Hope you have all enjoyed your weekend, sorted out your computer problems, cooked some 'real' food or whatever it is you were planning. I must take a leaf out of Esme's book and arm myself with a pen and paper so I can take notes. Or at least make sure I learn everyones name!

take care, Manda xx

Hi everyone, well yesterday might as well not have happenend because I missed most of it. after a whole night of sleeplessness on Thursday, then being up all day Friday and working all Friday night, I was extrememly tired. I went home, had breakfast and then kept waking and sleeping for the rest of the day Saturday and into Saturday night.  Anyway, I am hoping that tonight I will get a proper night's sleep (not done that for about 10 months now or more).

This morning I got a phone call from a holiday company saying that he had our names on record as having applied for a holiday but not taking it up. (It was from a holiday promotion we went to about two and a half years a go). I told him I was not interested and unfortunately for him he asked me why. I went completely out of character and told him that unless he could drag my husband back from the 'dead' then there was really no point.  Poor man. It was not his fault but he caught me in a mean moment. I felt really bad afterwards and did apologise for my reply.  Needless to say hew has promised to take our name off their books (exactly what the person who rang a few weeks ago told me).

Manda, yes we all fall apart behind closed doors and sometimes (in my case anyway) it happens in company. Nothing to be ashamed of it is just that we like to preserve our dignity don't we?

Anyway I hope that you have all had a reasonable weekend. May Monday bring better things for you.

Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

Evening all , Patricia dont feel bad about your answer on the phone , if they'd taken your names off a few weeks ago it wouldn't have happened . I snapped with the Halifax when 2 days on the trot they had said they we're going to call me back and twice they gave me Gordons number even though i'd given them mine , incidentely , th halifax have said 7 times now they would call me back and i've not had one return call , i've always had to phone them . Hopefully everything should be sorted this week , i'm hoping to get it all finalised before i go on holiday . Well had a crappy afternoon , the day started ok but when i went shopping i felt really unwell , i even had to ask for a chair and they fetched a first aider to me , poor lad i felt so sorry for him , how could i tell him what was wrong if i didn't know my self , he wanted to get ambulance but i said no , i just had a glass of water and tried to carry on but had to come home ,I wasn't doing lunch today so just told the kids i was having a quiet one . I feel a little better now but not sure why i felt so ill , i'm thoinking maybe it was a little panic attack , but not sure why .. I've promosed the kids if it happens again i will go to the docs . i'm just fed up cos i dont like not being able to do what i want to do , i feel like i've wasted today now . I have done a casserole Patricia for tommorow , not sure if i'll feel like it but i will freeze it if not , there is actually enough to feed us all so if anyone wants to join me ? . Hope your coping Amanda , its very early days for you and it will get a little easier in time .xx

Whats everybody up too , waiting for x factor ?

Lynne xxxx

Bug hig Lynne, it does sound like a panic attack they can leave you feeling very wierd.  Don't worry though they are controllable once you know what it is. 

Patricia not surprised you snapped at the holiday man, this cold calling stuff they have to realise that they are walking into all sorts of situfations uninvited so they will get some bad reactions.  A bug hig to you as well, hope you get some sleep tonight.  I have been reading up on Reiki and started to practise it today (on Samantha) so will try and send you some soothing, healing energy to help you sleep.  It is wierd and I couldn't really say how it works other than its energy flowing but Sam could feel tingling and I wasn't actually touching her and with her eyes closed she could see a bright light passing across her, it did help clear her head though and soothed her sore throat.

So if the Reiki is flowing then I will be thinking of you all later, in the peace and quiet when I get to bed, and sending you all love and peace and as Patricia always says, angel hugs because they are always with us through the bad days, the even badder ones and also the good ones. Night all, xxxxxx

Oh well, girls - Sunday night again.  We all know what that means!

~Hey, ho off we go.

5 and a half weeks left until the next break.

Sue xx