My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Morning Lynne,

Have a wonderfull time.

Love Quill xxx

Hi Barby

Sorry you have to find yourself on here but hopefully we can give you some support.  I too spoke to a medium and found it very comforting.  She said she could see my husband with a big blanket around me trying to protect me and sometimes I do feel that strangely.

Judi, I know what you mean about couples although I do still get mad to be honest.  I know what you mean about the hurt part as sometimes I felt at times that I backed away from my husband although only briefly to try to minimise the damage although it didn't help.  I also think that he went first for a reason as I am the stronger one.  I don't think he would have coped well if it had been the other way round as he was very needy of me.  I had a short illness a few years ago and he was terrible at the time and didn't know what to do and eventually I had to go and stay with my parents for a few weeks.  So perhaps that is an indication.  But who knows...  I suppose we could analyse over this for a long time.

Hope everyone's day is okay.  I hate Mondays lol and I am counting down the time to go home.  Feeling a bit queasy myself today so I hope I don't have Ewan's bug!

Gayle x

Hi Barby, welcome xxxx I am quite interested in going to a psychic but not done anything about it yet!

Judi, well done for going out. It is hard but it has to be done I suppose. I often cry when I come home but it`s good to get together with friends.

Gayle I`m Merseyside, it would be great to meet up though xxx Sure we could work something out xx Hope you haven`t caught anything nasty!!

Kaz you have cheered me up when I`ve been low, keep chatting and hope we can help you!! My son is talking about uni too but that won`t be for a while, the towels might actually stay on the towel rail then!!! But yes I`ll miss him like crazy.

Evening everyone else, hope your Monday has been ok. I`m in my pj`s already, I`m shattered!!

Helen xxx

PJ,s Helen come to sunny Skegness lol, We got here ok , had some food and a quick walk round , i've just come back to my room for a  quick shower and than we'll be going to find the show bars . It is very strange being here without Gordon and everything i do i'm thinking how much he would have enjoyed it , but i,ve just got to get on with it , its suddenely hit me that i am staying on my own in a strange place (sis about 4 rooms away so not far really ) i think it will be hard coming back but i'm sure sis and husband will be in my room before they go to there's , its actually got 2 bedrooms , so i've totally spreadout , shoes and makeup in one room , me clothes and lap top in another . I,ve bought enough clothes for a month i think .Did you get your credit card sorted Helen . Hope you new ladies are ok , its not a easy road your on but your in the right place for the supprt we all need . Hope everyone else ok . Have a good eveining everyone . I am definately up for a meet i will travel any where at the weekend ..

Lynnexxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone,

Lynne, I am sure it will be very strange for you and you are being very brave in going.  I am sure you will be fine and if you are lonely in your room then you know we are all about on the other end of the computer.  Glad you are getting nice weather as it is pouring down here.

Okay so we now have 4 for the meetup - any ideas for when?  January or February or before Christmas? 

I am still feeling rubbish.  I ended up coming home from work early and going to my bed.  Feel like I have a heavy cold and sore belly.  Bleugh!  Hopefully it will pass soon as I have way too much to do to be bothered being ill.  My skip came today so I will need to get stuck into it this week.

Gayle xx

Kaz, sorry you are feeling so down. Hope that you are soon rising above your sadness.  Some days are good some are not so good eh??   We have to have the down days so that we appreciate the better days if that makes any sense at all. I wish I had something uplifting to say to you but I don't soooo............   'Here is a huge bar og chocolate and a bottle of your favourite wine to cheer you up' x x

I have been out with my sis to-day and as usual we both ended up in a coffee bar crying into our coffee.  I keep thinking I am getting better at thisbut then end up in floods of tears.  Oh well, I guess we are all in the early stages as yet and trying to run before we can walk.

Barby, sorry for your deep sadness but welcome to our family x x x

Lynne enjoy your break hun x

Gayle hope you are feeling better by tomorrow x

Judi, next time you get out the ironing board give me a shout and i'll bring my ironing over for you lol

Hope everyone is ok and hope tomorrow is a better one for you all.  x x Patricia x x  p.s. I am up for a meet if time is right x x

Lynne you are doing well and at least you have your lappy for companyxxx Keep in touch xx

Yes I got my card back and got the car valeted while I was there!

Gayle how about after Xmas? Sure we will all be busy up to then and we will have passed another milestone!!

Helen xx

Good evening everyone.  Special hello and welcome to Esmew & Barby.  I am so sorry you need to be here but feel sure this is the best place under our circumstances.  I hope you are both okay this evening.  I am curious about Daniel & Samantha's memorial tattoos Esmew.  I want to have one done in Chris's memory.  I am thinking about having a slightly smaller version of one of the tattoos that Chris had.  I haven't had a tattoo before but Chris had several and my son has a few as well.

Gayle - I would like to meet up with anyone who fancies it.  I live in Yorkshire.  I think I agree with Helen, that it might be more practical after Christmas.  It is my son's 27th birthday next week and on that day it means it is only 12 weeks until Christmas eve - it will be on us before we know it.  I don't want to say I am dreading Christmas as Chris and I always loved so instead I will say it scares me a awful lot (more than that actually!!).  I'm sure I am not alone.

My sisters bbq was good - we had nice weather.  It was not nice at all being there without Chris but it was really nice that we were all back together - there's 27 of us.  I had a nightmare getting back up to Yorkshire though and only got 4.5 hours sleep before work.  I am very tired now so going to get in my pjs very soon and get off to bed. 

I'm glad you got the credit card back Helen - enjoy the car.  You have lovely in-laws Helen.  I wouldn't dream of taking any of Chris's family with me for support.

I hope you're spirits are lifting a bit Kaz - you are always so funny.  Lots of love x

Hello to Sue, Claire, Patricia, Gayle - are you any better yet?  Also hello to Quill and Dot if you are about.

Have a lovely time in Butlins Lynne.  I am just going to go on FB and look at you photos.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx

Evening all!  Hugs to everyone, especially Barby, Debs and Lynne this is a scary business being on our own now isn't it?  Today my baby son - all of 19 years old now - moved out to his own place!  I am really pleased for him, but typical mother and ron apart losing him too I know Steve would have given me a huge hug but that made me cry more knowing he isn't here to do that.  Still he isn't far away and close enough I can yell "apple crumble" out of the window and he should be there in two minutes (less if the wind is in the right direction!), but I'm going to miss him, even if the place does get tidier.

Patricia, hi!  I remember you from What Now too, glad to meet you again.  Hold on in there we all get days of utter tiredness but there are also days when we can get loads done (like your decorating), I always think it must be not only the grief but the recovery from coping with the evil illness that stole our husbands day by day a little at a time - that is harder sometimes to deal with. 

Hmmm now I think it is Judi with the greyhounds (sorry memory marbles aren;t good on names and I can't look back without losing the lot), it's great to have mutts isn't it?  We have two Rhodesian Ridgebacks - Kofi and Geordie - great fun but hard work too, so incredibley handsome and gives you a reason to get out in the fresh air - always better than ironing any day!  Have you got photo's of them on your profile?

On the subject of mediums and psychics I think I was very lucky and had a message from Steve.  It wasn't anything huge, but an internet friend who has "known" me through a lot of personal stuff (including my daughters serious car accident 2 1/2 years ago and all of Steve's illness) often "feels" things, she can get feelings and things just from looking at photos and buildings.  Well she remembered us daily in her prayers throughout the time Steve was ill, then one day she said she felt she hit a wall asking for him to recover, then she knew that we would lose him, so prayed for him to have safe passage to the next life.  She continues to think of us and remember us all in her prayers and one evening she said she heard, as clear as if he was in the room "Tell Rosemary I'm fine" (that being my non internet name and me in real life).  She didn't know whether to pass it on or not, but it kept nagging at her and she did eventually send me the message.  For weeks after Steve went I spent nights just crying "Please just let me know that he's alright" and in life Steve's answer would have been that he was "fine" that is the word he always used and exactly what he would have said.  So as I say, not huge, but to my mind it was an answer that could only have come from Steve.  I hope this helps some of you, it cetainly made me feel that he is close, even though I still long for another message, another sign, keep looking for your signs everyone and keep an open mind and ear for your messages as you never know where they might come from.

Ok I have rambled enough, another large Baileys needed I think, then off to bed with my huge book - I read until my eyelids keep closing and then I find I can sleep quite well - well that and a large Baileys usually helps :-))  Night night all, see you tomorrow xxxx

evening everyone

Gayle hope you feeling better by tomorrow, especially as your skip has arrived talk about bad timing. After christmas sound like a good idea to me, would need a bit of notice to arrange care for the girls and time off work. I live in Sleaford in lincolnshire but happy to travel anywhere that is conveniant for the majority.

Lynne it will seem very strange being away without gordon but you are doing brilliantly and he would be very proud of you and don't forget that he is still with you. Sounds like you have a very supportive sis,

Helen glad to hear you have your card back as well as lovely shiny new car.

Debs x