My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

first let me offer huge comforting (((((((( hugs)))))))  to all who need them.

Lynda, second year is not (in my opinion) easier at all. In fact I have struggled more this year. Maybe due to not having the cushioning of the initail numbness, I really don't know.

coming home to an empty house is not the best thing in the world. For this reason, once I go out I find myself looking for excuses not to go home. It does not bother me being home alone, I just do not like returning to a house which more often than not only houses me now. Such a sad and lonely thing.

Today I learned that my son's g/f had fallen on her lunch break and is now in hospital with a fractured tib and fib and the danger of 'compartment' syndrome of the lower leg. Poor girl is now not allowed to weight bear for the nest six weeks.  It seems that my family are hell bent on making me 'grey'. I have done nothing but worry about them since just before New Year. It is taking it;s toll though, as I am just so exhausted but remain unable to sleep for long.  This weekend I found myself crying at the slightest little thing. When will these dreadful feelings ease? My sister in law quizzed me about why I was so emotional and after the  third time of her asking I just told her simply 'I am missing Ray'. She was very understanding and I know I upset her but I could not help it.  It is like a flippin' tidal wave and it has overwhelmed me. Oh well, kick up the backside for me.... pick myself up.... TRY to get on with life.

Rosemary ((((hugs)))) for you

Dott ((((hugs)))) early days yet for you and you need ot let us hold you in our warm 'penguin' huddle until you feel a little stronger.

Ailsa, hope you are enjoying your new window. Hope your dad is improving.

Love and angel hugs to you all. x x x Patricia x x x

Evening all.  Patricia & Pam - here are some special ((((((hugs)))))) in the hope they help you through.  I am sorry to hear about your son's girlfriends accident Patricia.  I seem to be aware of a few people who have suffered a similar break in the past year or so.  It is a toughy to mend isn't it?  You put it Oh so simply but Oh so true Patricia.  I am quite simply missing Chris and I can fully understand you missing Ray.  For me it is nothing more complicated than that.  I can distract myself but it always comes back to that just as it does for you.

I am going to attend my first family gathering on Chris's side of the family on Saturday.  Chris's niece's daughter's boyfriend proposed at New Year so there is to be an engagement party this Saturday.  Sorry the relationship was so complicated!!  Chris was the youngest of nine and some of his brothers & sisters were & are older than my parents.  He has a niece who is 19 days younger than him and when they were kids they used to tell everyone they were cousins because it was easier.  It is her daughter who has become engaged.  I haven't been to a family event for Chris's family since he died.  I even began to wonder at one point whether they would ask me because they forgot all about me for an event last Christmas.  It looks like that was a genuine mistake as we have been invited this time.  Because it is short notice we can't all go but Becky, Declan & I are going to go.  It seems strange this long after losing Chris to have a fairly major first to deal with.  Mostly they are not a close family but I know his eldest sister and his brother really feel his lose and we remind them of that.  I am sure it will be fine though and I am looking forward to the chance to get out and mix a bit.

Gayle good luck with getting on and setting up that business.  You inspired me and I have knuckled under and sumitted the first exam for a certificate I am studying for.  I feel quite positive about tackling it now but I was putting it off before.  Shame you are not sleeping well - we need to work out a solution for you and Patricia.  Take care and try not to work too hard.

I thnk that is all from me.  I am so glad you stuck with the Liverpool trip Gayle.  I so appreciate you organising these meetings.  I can't wait for the 4th February to come round.  It is quite literally the highlight that is keeping me going sometimes.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx   

Hello, I have been feeling particularly low for the last couple of days. my 14 yr old daughter showed me a nasty looking mole on her shoulder, black and protruding, and I took her to the doctor who said they'd remove it but we havent been given a date. this is causing me so much anxiety as it takes me back to last year when we had to wait for appointments,tests and results for Jack and it was so stressful. I was feeling ok until this happend but I think I could cope just as long as life didnt throw anything else my way. Now Im back to not sleeping and having no appetite. My son has had two exams he had to re- sit in the last week so it has been quite tense here.

4 weeks tomorrow.

Good luck with your family get together Ailsa, - are Becky and Declan your children?  

Clare x

hi penguins

Well another date passed, never thought I could get through 6 weeks let alone 6 months at the beginning of all this. It fell on my Birthday on Monday, which ment people insisted on wishing me a Happy Birthday, Happy seemed the most inapporpriate word. I did go to the pub for a meal with my family on the evening because I couldn't stand the idea of just sitting infront of the TV at my parents with our tea on our laps. It felt wrong for both occations. I drank more than I have since the funeral, polishing off more then a bottle of wine to myself, but no real hang over, so that was ok. we had deep conversations about religion and beleif, intense but serious. I had warned them I did not want to cellebrate just to mark the occation which we did. The thing that kept giving me a kick in the chest was that that sort of evening where friends or family sit together have a drink, some food and some good conversation was something Mark loved soo much and I missed him. (goes without saying I guess, but feels like I have to keep saying it. Out loud, I love you and I miss you. May be my qwerk i don't know.)

Clare no matter how much we feel that the world can't throw anything else at us because we just won't cope, life keeps throwing usmore challanges and somehow we do cope. Often in tears, but we cope.

Rosemary stil thinking of you and your mother in law. Big Hugs

Ailsa I hope the window is continuing to give you a feeling of comfort and good luck with the family occation. I have been invited to Marks daughters 18th birthday meal, now that is a side of the 'family' I really don't know, the ex and her partners family! but Laura wants me there and I feel I should go for her and for Mark.

Pam i am glad you have had a nice weekend with your friend and that your family will be with you next weekend. Its nice to have company for a while, my sister is comming for the weekend this week, I am going to take her to my gym on a free pass i have been given. It is nice to have someone to talk to, I find I actually talk very little now, no one here to talk to.

Gayle good on you for moving your plans for your own buisness forward. I can not motivate myself to think of my career yet, just actually walking back into work at the end of the month and doing a little routeen work is quite enough of a challange for me at the moment.

manda still sending thoughts for your mum.

Lynda and Patricia hugs to you as I know you are both feeling low at the moment and hugs to anyone else I have missed and who needs them.

still swimming, slowly, but still swimming.

becky

Patricia, I hope you are having a better day today and that your son in law's g/f is not too bad.  You are such an insperation to us all, I do not like to think that you are so down.  Lots of big penguin (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) to you xx

Rosemary and Dottee lots of big (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) to you both and hope your day is going as OK as it can.

Ailsa, have you been able to stop looking at your window in wonder yet.  After so long I bet you are soooooooooooooooo pleased x I hope your family gathering goes well for you xx

Gayle, how is your setting up going.  I think you must be so proud to be able to acheive so much.  Good luck on the outcome. x

Clare, I know that this is a hard time for you.  I am nearly 4 months down the line, and although it is still early days for me, I can remember how I felt a few weeks ago.  I will not say that I am fine, but it is a little easier.  This gives me hope that as time goes on it will get easier still.  Not easy, for it can never be that, but easier.  This process is such a roller coaster ride and no two days are alike.  We can only look at all our lovely penguin friends further down the line and hope we can feel good in their shoes.  I am sorry to hear about your daughter and this must be causing you so much stress.  But perhaps the fact that the doctor does not seem to be treating it as a total emergency might be good news. I will be thinking of you and sending you loads of ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Becky, is it 6 months already.  I would think that sometimes it seems a long time and sometimes only yesterday.  You are doing so well, I do admire you hun. xx

Amanda, I am always thinking of you and hope things go well with you mum.  It must be such a hard time at the moment.  Try to be strong my friend, we are all routing for you.   ((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Well, what have I been up to lately.  The weekend went well.  Had a great time with my friend.  Went out for a couple of meals and plenty of retail therapy.    I have been to the gym today.  I found it easier than when I went for the first time last week.  Then I found it strange and was uneasy that it was another thing in my new life that I was doing alone.  But this time was not so bad.  So I am hoping that the more I go the easier it will become.  It is all these things that we are doing without our lovely men which is hard isn't it.  We have to start on this path to a new life but don't really want to leave the old one behind.  But we must. I am just hoping that Martin is looking on saying 'you go for it girl'.  He would want me to make a new life for myself, it is just me that is holding me back.  Oh if only this bereavement thing was easier to bare.

I have my daughter and family coming from Wales this weekend so that should be good.  Won't have much time to think about things then.  Which will be good.

Anyway, I hope you all have as good a day as you can.  Lots of penguin (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you all.  And really looking forward to meeting some of you in Liverpool

Pam xx

For Manda   xx

Manda, so sorry to hear that your mum has passed from this world. I hope that you and your family are managing to keep yourselves together. I remember so well how awful it is to lose your mum. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care and be sure to look after yourself at this very sad time.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Manda............so sorry to hear about your Mum

Love and comforting (((((hugs)))))) for you and your family

Dot xxx

Manda

So sorry to hear about your mom.  I am sending prayers and hugs for you and your family.  xxxx

Bbren

Much love to you Manda, sending hugs and thoughts for you and H.  Mum is resting now and your Miles will be giving her a great big hug to let her know things will be ok and showing her how to keep an eye on you from "the other side".  Take care xxxxx

Will catch up with you all later xxxxx