My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

hi all -- ben having a real down since new year. It was a year this week still hurts so much, still cry + talk to my mate -- dont suppose the feeling ever goes away just gets a little less raw perhaps -- also my trusty mobile had a funny turn, my son has given me his old one but cant get used to it + as he's the manager of a t mobile shop he's not amused which didnt help my down mood -- the silly things we hang on to eh -- will make a reviving cuppa now -- love + <<<< hugs >>>> to u all u lovely penguins xx lynda

sorry meant been -- cant even spell now girls xx

Hi Lynda, so sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment. You have now entered what I call '2nd year syndrome'. All of the hurt with none of the numbness to buffer it all. I have found that very hard this year and have no idea how to help you through it. The rollercoaster ride just goes on and on and on. I have had a few pretty amazing events this year and should be extremely happy (and I am). However, it just amplifies the lonliness and how much I miss my darling Ray. He should have been here to enjoy and experience these lovely things instead of which I am here alone. I hope that you can start to enjoy some of the coming days. Always here for you. ((((hugs))))

Sorry, can't remember who asked, but going back to work is a totally personal thing. it took me a long time but that was because I did not trust myself to be able to care for others when I was unable to care for myself. (I work in the caring profession). I spent most of my days hiding away from the world and doing myself no good at all. Now all I do is go out and walk round the shops because I do not want to be at home alone. Sad I know. 

The paper trail is another thing which takes endless days to sort. I was at least four months into this horrible nightmare before things were anywhere near sorted.

Ailsa, I hope your dad is improving. It is hard to see yet another loved one ill isn't it?

Rosemary, I am thinbking of you and sending lots of ((((angel hugs))))).

Manda, prayers and (((((hugs)))))  for you and your mum. I hope things are improving at least a little.

To all who post here, I hope you have the best day you can. (even if it is through a torrent  of tears)

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

All I can do just now is send lots of comforting ((((hugs)))) to you all.........I've lost all my words of 'wisdom' and just don't know how to talk to anyone any more!!!! 

So very sad....... xxxxxxxx

Dear Dot, you are so lovely. You are grieving dear friend and it is not always easy to give comfort to others in these dark days. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening everyone.  Dot & Patricia you both seems to spend so much time sending hugs out to everyone who need them so I will send you both some for caring so much - ((((((hugs)))))).  I hope you are both okay this evening.

Daffie I love the sound of your purple jacket.  Nice to have a bit of colour in your wardrobe.  I bought a nice purple mac when I met up with some of the penguins in Glasgow in September - I love it.

Clare it sounds like you have some lovely friends watching out for you.  I had to laugh at you with your car - I alwaays take mine to the hand wash.  It is not just a special treat.  I always think I would be doing them out of their living if I didn't take it there - that's my excuse for laziness and I am sticking to it!!!  I hope the meeting with your boss about work goes well next week.  I would just warn you that most of us found it very tiring going back to work - often for months & months so be good to yourself & ease yourself gently into it.  As far as paperwork is concern pace yourself with that as well.  I am still dealing with the inland revenue even now although they are being very helpful.

Janet you have been off work for a long time so you must be very careful about any plans you have to go back.  You have 3 children so tiredness will be an even bigger issue for you than it was for me.  Mine are all grown up.  I must admit I found paying off our mortgage from the insurance a very upsetting moment.  On one hand I knew from conversations Chris & I had in his last few days that he would have been thrilled to know that the house was safe for me but it was never supposed to be like that.  Paying off the mortgage made me very anxious and there was a slight glitch in the bank the day I had to do the transfer of funds and I completely flipped out.  I felt quite sorry for the poor young man I was speaking to at the time!  Hey-ho - it was a good character building experience for him!  The Liverpool meet is the first weekend in February.  There are some small meets and some bigger ones - or at least there were last year.  We only got together for the first time in March and I managed to meet some of the penguins 4 times in 2010.  We had 2 meets at different ends of the UK (London & Glasgow) in October to try to give as many people as possible a chance to meet a few people.  I am lucky that I live in the very centre of the UK and enjoy driving so I have been able to go along to most of the meets.  For me I find that it is very easy to be with people who have walked a mile in my shoes.  So many things do not need to be said.  I hope your Macmillan nurse can find a support group for you.  I didn't join any group but I had quite a few one to one sessions with a CRUSE bereavement counsellor which I found very helpful.  I'm glad you like the window.  It is nice to have a permenant marker.  Even though we planned it as something I would do after Chris had gone I like the fact that it would still have worked even if he had never been ill.  I don't think it is as all mythering.  You will find something appropriate when the time is right.  I am going to sound like a nut now but I have a special bench with a plaque in the back garden and one in the cemetery as well.  I have no plans for anything more though!!

Becky I completely agree with what you say about when any of us go back to work being an entirely personal thing.  No-one should rush it as it will knock you for 6 if you do.  I have been without Chris for 20 months now and it is only very recently that I can say I am sleeping okay so not tired during the day.  I went back to work a month after Chris died but I needed structure.  Chris deterioated very quickly in his last few days.  He was working on the 6th April.  I went to work on the 27th April but went home when the Mac nurse said she thought he might only have a couple of weeks left.  He died just days later.  I didn't have much time off beforehand as Chris was well enough to look after himself until the last few days and needed the space he got from me being out at work each day.  A lot of grief follows a similar pattern but when each of us is ready for work is a very personal thing especially if our profession is going to bring us in contact with suffering as yours does.  Have a good time at your parents and let them look after them just like like a teenager would!

All this talk of having to sell cars & motorbiles is very hard for you as well.  I promised to sell Chris's van quickly and it was 10 months before I did it.  I am still supposed to be selling his PA system but I think I may keep it now.  Iused to have a need to do all the things I 'promised' Chris I would do but with time some of the urgency and obsession has gone now.

My dad is doing really well at home.  It seems to have been the right decision by the hospital to discharge him.  I can't believe he was so ill just a week ago and now he is making such progress.  I don't have any exciting plans this weekend but I think I may finally finish the bits and pieces that are left to do in the downstairs loo - inspired by the window no doubt.

Sorry - you can tell I am feeling a bit lonely tonight by the ridiculously long post again.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Ailsa, we all get them don't we those evenings when we feel a bit lonely.  But that is not suprising I suppose.  But just remember you are never really alone as there are all us penguins sitting with you somewhere.

I have actually had a better week this week.  I went into total meltdown on Tuesday because of things that happened on that day, but apart from that I have found that life has been a bit easier.  Not easy by any means, but easier.  I am learning that when I find myself slipping into that dark place I try to busy myself or go and see a friend or family and that seems to help.  I still miss Martin so much it hurts, I never realised what real pain bereavement can cause.  It is as if someone has got hold of my heart and is squeezing it so hard it hurts.  Does that make sense.

Anyway I have a good friend coming to stay for the weekend so am looking forward to that.  We will probably go out for a meal tomorrow evening and then some retail therapy on Sunday.  Will then find a carvery somewhere for Sunday meal.  I have got out of the habit of cooking and can't quite get back into that again.  When Martin was diagnosed in April with stomach cancer he could only have liquids so have not really cooked a dinner since then, apart from one over Christmas for the family and I did not like that at all.

I have my daughter coming from Wales next weekend with the children.  Usually when they come down my daughter who lives locally and her family come round and I do a big spread, but those days have now gone.  I have no inclination to do that sort of thing, so I am taking them all out for a meal.  I think that will work better.  More expensive but better for me.  I try and do anything I can to make it easier.  Life is hard enough at the moment without making it more so.

Anyway, on a lighter note I am really looking forward to the Liverpool meet.  It is my first one, and although I am not good at all the firsts in my life at the moment, this first I am sure will be enjoyable.

Anyway it looks like I am rambling on too doesn't it so will just finish and wish all you penguins a peacefull night.  Lots of (((((hugs)))))) to you all

Love

Pam xx

Evening everyone,

Sorry I haven't been posting much but work is manic and I will be sitting up tonight having another late one.  Only another couple of weeks and then it will calm down again.  I have started doing stuff for setting up my own business too so that is progressing okay.  Just working on the marketing side at the moment as I want to get it just right with cards/adverts etc.  There is just not enough hours in the day.  One positive to that is that my insomnia is the worse it has been in a very long time so I suppose that gives me extra hours!  Although I think I am turning into a vampire as I end up staying up to after 3 in the morning but fall asleep in the afternoon - vicious circle although if I don't have a doze I still can't sleep anyway and end up even more tired.  I caught up a wee bit this week so not feeling quite as exhausted. 

Pam - hope you have a nice weekend with your friend and look forward to meeting you in a few weeks time.  Ailsa the window is beautiful and I bet you can't stop looking at it.  Liverpool was nearly turning into a pain with the stupid restaurant.  I had booked it then they wanted a deposit which I was going to pay.  Then they wanted everyone's orders up front (no way I was taking 18 orders up front plus who knows what they want to eat in a few weeks time!).  Anyway, I phoned the hotel that we are staying in and the receptionist was very helpful and suggested Gusto and they were helpful on the phone also so I am glad I made the change.  I am looking forward to it.  January is such a bleak month and with all work and no play I am needing some light relief. 

Right I better get on and do some work.

Take care penguins

Gayle xxxx

Thank u to all u penguins  for the hugs + words of wisdom -- dont know where I'd be with out  the assurance that all I'm going through  u people have been through too. I thought  that going into the 2nd year would be easier but have been very tearful these past few days + getting strange joint pains which I am putting down to  feeling so low at the mo. Hopefully I will start to climb out of the gloom when I start back to my volunteer shift at the hospital next week. I was reading your post patricia about not being ready to care with regards to your job -- I found that volunteering on the ward at the hospital was just not for me + I had been a carer for 16 yrs -- but I am enjoying the endoscopy unit -- also think I will look for another days volunteering. HUGS to u all  for always being so supportive xx lynda

Hi all you lovely penguins, hope you have had as good a weekend as you could.  I have just seen a very dear friend  who stayed the weekend.  She came on her own so we could have a girlie weekend although tinged with some sadness.  I kept remembering the good times when she came with her husband and the four of us had such great laughs.  That is now in the past.

The weather is really dreary here today and I am in danger of falling too far down that dark hole, so I have arranged to pop round and see a friend who has walked in my shoes.  We will have a coffee or perhaps something stronger and a good laugh (I hope) so that when I get back my mood will have lifted.

Still I have my daughter and family coming from Wales next weekend that will be good and the Liverpool meet is not far away.  So have lots to look forward to.

Love and ((((hugs))))) to you all

Pam xx