My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening everyone.  The window is still beautiful today!  I have put another picture of it on facebook as the first ones were a different colour to the real window and I couldn't sort it.  They didn't do it justice but today I tried taking  a couple of shots with no flash and it worked much better.  Becky the window is on an internal wall but the light shines through it from the back.  It is a bit random really as the challenge Chris left me was to create a downstairs loo.  He told me I should change the utility room at the back of the garage so that is what I have done.  The window came about because I mentioned that the house was now just as I had always imagined (we've lived in it for 32 years) but I had always hoped I could fit in a round window somewhere.  He suggested I take down the dividing stud wall in the garage and replace it with a block one and then maybe I could have the window after all.  I finished the conversation by saying - and maybe I can make the window meaningful in some way!  Little did I know just how it was going to turn out.  Chris had a wonderful sense of humour and would think that my new 'view from the loo' was perfect.  It has certainly lifted my spirits.

Having said that I know how difficult and upsetting it is dealing with problems on our own.  I still get very upset and angry when something goes wrong that Chris would have taken care of.  I especially hate it when I have a car problem.  I hope you each get the plumbing and bank problems sorted out soon as well as the tax return.

Good luck sorting all those things put and if they don't sort out easily forget about them for now and go back to it on a better day.  That is one of the things I have learned.

The last 2 days have been a bit of a blur really what with the window finally going in.  My Dad was admitted to hospital yesterday.  He was having breathing difficulties.  It turns out his oxygen and blood pressure were both low and it looks like he has a chest infection or maybe pneumonia.  He has a compromised immune system so he has a history of pneumonia and chest infections.  He also recently had a blood clot on his chest so the hospital are being very careful with him.  However they are just so busy.  He was on a trolley in the ED for 12 hours yesterday but now he is on an assessment ward.  He has been tested for swine flu but we don't think he has that.  He is in a room on his own until the results for that test come back.  I hope that they are clear as he is getting very bored.  His symptoms have mostly settled but he is still getting very breathless.  Mum can't drive and doesn't walk well so Dad being in hospital means a lot of driving around for me but it needs to be done.  I hate going into the hospital because of everything that happened to Chris there.  I dread bumping into anyone who treated Chris.  Just like any one of you would do I will get on with it because Dad needs to be looked after.  If he had any idea it was bothering me he would feel like he was being a nuisance and that wouldn't be fair.  It is good to be able to come on here and offload when things are not going well.  Thank you all for listening.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx

Dear Ailsa - I just wanted to send you a (((hug))) and say that I hope your Dad's tests are clear and that he will be allowed home soon. 

Love and more comforting (((hugs)))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Morning girls

I had an 'up' day at the weekend and even danced around to my Queen CD again.....but that was just one day!!  Am back to 'coasting along' - knowing that there is stuff to do but not feeling like doing anything!!!  So my aim for now is to write a list and if I can tick one thing off it each day then that will be a good day - but why is it that I can find three more jobs to add to the list for each one completed????

Hope you are all swimming better than I am just now?

Love and comforting (((hugs))) to you all

Dot xxxxxxxxxx

Dot,

Hope you are having another up day, or at least a less down one.

I have been writing lists of jobs to do each day, and yes, the list does get longer as the day goes on.  At least I get the satisfaction of having achieved something, however small each day.

After my upset at the bank yesterday, this morning I had an appointment with the solicitor.  Such a nice surprise, a lovely friendly, sympathetic young lady.  I really felt I could trust her to do her best for me.  I have asked her to get probate on Gary’s estate so that is a lot less admin to worry about.  The only problem is that I am looking at right paper chase to sort out various accounts and investments.  Gary was meticulous in keeping paper work; he just never threw anything away!

I expect to be shredding old letters and bank statements for a long time yet.

Hugs to all. Thank you for letting me join kindred spirits on this thread.

Daffie  xxxx

Evening everyone.  Daffie I am glad the solicitor was so nice after the bank upsetting you.  My bank were very unhelpful when Chris died.  The branch were good but then their head office kept butting in and upsetting everything.  Then I got caught between the probate dept and the credit card dept with neither of them taking responsibility or answering my letters.  I had to make a formal complaint in the end.  I got an apology but that really doesn't solve any problems does it.  Funnily enough my solicitor was lovely as well.  Chris helped such a lot by leaving a will as well that he signed just 2 days before he died.  It certainly saved me a lot of admin bless him!  Just make sure you don't rush into shredding anything important.

I have been able to bring my Dad home today with very strict instructions or he will be back in.  He has not had or got swine flu but he has got pneumonia.  he has had empty sella syndrome for a number of years so his immune system is compromised and the doctor was more concerned that he would end up catching something like swine flu by staying in the hospital.  His blood pressure is back to normal so he was allowed to come home with a carrier bag of tablets.  He looked tired but thrilled to be home.  Because of the syndrome I am pleased to see hm home as well - feels a little safer.

Dot - I am a big Queen fan so could find myself joining you in a little dance around to one of their cds!  I'm glad you had a good day even if they have settled back a little again since - at least it always proves you can still have good days.   I will keep my fingers crossed for another good day for you very soon.

I hope everyone else is okay this evening.  I am noticing that it is staying lighter for longer now and it was even mild enough to sit out with a coffee in the garden when I got home from work today.  Roll on the spring.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx

It would be hard to shred anything important, I am still working through bank statements from the 1990s!  Even though we have changed banks twice since, I think I must shred in case details fall into the wrong hands.

I am having a day off from shredding today.  I went shopping and treated myself to a nice purple jacket.  I normally wear lots of black and grey, but suddenly I fancied something brighter.  I shall probably wear it with black and grey skirts and trousers.

I had a good experience today.  A card arrived saying Gary has overdue library books.  I didn’t realise he had them.  When I rang to explain, the librarian couldn’t have been nicer.  She was so sorry I had been bothered, immediately wrote off the fines, and said I could take the books back at my convenience.  That really restored my faith in human nature.

Then, I opened an invitation to a ruby wedding party.  It’s not until mid-march so I thought it a bit insensitive to send my invite so soon after Gary’s funeral.  What I found most upsetting was that the invite was for me and plus one!  People have no idea! I guess these thing come with this very new territory. 

Hope you are having as good a day as possible.

Daffie  xxx

Hello to you all. Daffie, it sounds as though we are doing similar things - I am going through Jacks papers - he has bank statement and invoices going back many years because he had his own business. I have phoned the tax office about the self assesment and been to see the solicitor about the probate, but I will hold fire with the bank after your experience with them.

Most people i have dealt with by phone or in person have been very nice and efficient, except for my daughters school who have been pretty appalling. I wont go into it but everyone is blaming each other and they will be reviewing their 'lines of communication'. Jack wanted me to sell his car straight away, it hadnt been used since 27th october (my sons 18th birthday) so i dont even know if it will start and i cant bear the thought of clearing it out yet, so its on the to do list.

Friends have been lovely and I suspect they have some sort of rota going on the quiet because i get invited to something every single day. I am meetng my boss next week to talk about going back to work (very scary) How soon did you go back to work - those of you who did?

Ailsa, good luck with looking after your Dad at home, hope it goes well

Best wishes

clare x

Clare,

Good luck  for your meeting with your boss.   My car hadn't been cleaned for a very long time.Gary always did it.  When he got too weak, I hadn't the heart to let him see me doing it, so i just let it get dirty.  Then came the snow and ice, not the weather for car cleaning.  Tthis week I solved the problem.  I took it to a hand car wash place.  It was washed, waxed and dried in twenty minutes, and all for a fiver.  They would have done a full or mini valet for a bit extra, but I brought it home and cleaned out the inside.  It certainly looked better until it rained yesterday.

I am gong to sell Gary's car.  It was so much his, and too big to me to drive anyway.  It is sitting in my daughter's garage, she and her husband are going to see if they can sell it for me.

Ailsa, I hope you can get the support you need to keep your dad comfortable at home

Daffie xxx

I,m sorry to hear about your daughter's school. Staff at the one my grandchildren go to have been very supportive.  The head rang their mother to say they don't seem to be having any problems but she will keep an eye on them for the next few weeks.

I've been reading all the posts but not felt like writing for a couple of weeks as been really low.  Being on my own again after the kids went back to school made me think about how lonely i am with noone to share anything with.  Would normally be taking advantage of the Janurary sales but have the attitude of 'whats the point' in buying or doing anything. 

I got another sick note off the doctor and broke down in front of him again.  I can hold it together if I don't think about how bad things were for Carl or think about what he would be doing today if he was here, but if I talk about it I always end up in tears.  The doctor said it was quite normal to go through periods of blocking events out or you'd end up going mad.

Clare - I've been off work since last June when Carl really needed looking after and that was compasionate leave.  They only asked for a sick note at the start of the year and I'm thinking of April as a target for going back.  Not sure I can handle the stress of work, the children and cope with my emotions at the same time.  If you don't feel ready then don't feel under any pressure to go back as its not been long for you.

I also got upset last week as I was able to pay my mortage off as I had partner life assurance through work.  We'd have been doing a conga round the streets if we'd have been mortage free as we often made overpayments thinking that we didn't want a mortage when we were 50.  Theres absolutely no joy in the money now and its just another thing that makes me feel so sad.

Ailsa - your window is truly lovely and its something thats there forever.  I'd like to have something permenant like that as it would be a reminder to everyone that this is Carls house and of all the effort he put in to making it a lovely home for us.

When is it that you meet up in Liverpool and how often do you tend to meet up.  I'm in Manchester and my Macmillan nurse is supposed to be seeing if theres any local support groups close by.   Part of me wants to be near people that have been through similar and the other half doesn't want too at all.

Anyway, Eastenders omnibus is starting so I'll say goodnight as its half an hour that I enjoy.  Hope everyone else has had an OK day....take care and hugs to everyone.  Janet x

evening all

Clare- as far as work goes I do not think that it helps to say when someone else went back, it all depends on when you are ready. I know some others have found it useful to go back to work after 4-6 weeks and that it was a welcome distraction. I have not restarted at work yet and it will be 6 months since Mark died on monday. I think my case is a little different as I am a doctor and have to work with sick people who maybe somewhat similar position to Mark, I think it probably takes a little longer for nurses and doctors etc, but then i know people of non-medical jobs who do not feel able to go back to work for many months. I will admit that part of my problem relates to the fact that I did not spot his illness until far too late and could not do anything to save him or even really help him and it all went so fast for us.  My main point is that everyone is different. I will be starting some light duties back at work in feb.

My Husband had a motor bike, I should have sold it in summer but could not face it immediately, and now it is winter it won't sell, so i have to hang on to it till the spring. It unfortunately means I have to go out to the garage and start it up every week and then put the battery on charge so the alarm does not flatten it. Its actually quite distressing, he loved his bike soo much.

Ailsa I am glad you have managed to bring your dad home, for all that hospitals are great if you need them if you can possibly safely cope at home that is best. They do breed bugs. So I am glad you dad is home.

Well I finally went into work and did a bit of paperwork today, I have been meaning to do it all week, but just not motivating quite enough each day. I think because it had been left upto me, as and when I wanted, there was no drive to actually get me out the door. I bumped into a couple of people who I hadn't yet seen, one consultant tried to say how sorry he was and apologised for not calling but said he didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to say to him, It actually made me quite tearful, but as he is one of my bosses i didn't feel i could cry infront of him, but had a good cry as I left the hospital and all the way home.

It will be 6 months on monday.  It is also my birthday, 33 and a widow for 6 months. no kids and just a half baked career to show for all my life plans. What a difference a year makes, in our case what a difference 2 months made.

I am going to my parents again, to become the far too old teenager again, like at christmas, but being on my own in a city 100 miles away was not going to be a good plan. It is amazing how I was such an independant and responsible person and now i feel like I have regressed to a timid thing running to my parents when days a tough. Maybe it is because that is who i was before I met Mark, or just because I am alone, without children and in a different city, who knows.

I may be out of touch for a few days because my dads internet connection is poor, but i will be reading your posts on my iphone, it just won't let me write back.

Big hugs all round, I need a large baileys.

Becky