My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Dear Clare and Daffie, I am so glad that your day went as well as it could.  You were so strong being able to talk at the funeral.  I just crumpled and it all went by in a blur, but was assured that it went as well as it could too.  But that is another obsticle over and you can now spend some time for you.  We forget when we loose our loved ones that bereavement IS like an illness, and we do get tired and need to gain strength to deal with it.  So please be kind to yourselves, take each day as it comes and keep posting here, it helps so much to speak to all these lovely penguins who have walked in your shoes and know your feelings.  Lots of pentuin ((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you both and remember, keep swimming.

Rosemary, it is good that your FIL can stay at home.  I know it is not always possible, but I found bringing Martin home for his last few days has really helped me cope.  The carers and the district nurse where so very kind and looked after Martin with care and consideration.  Please get your MIL to take all the help on offer as she sounds like she needs it.  I am so glad that Steve is helping your FIL and that must be a comfort for you.  Try to keep strong Rosemary, I know it is not easy, but hey who told us life would be easy.  Get in the middle of the huddle if you feel the need and don't forget my boat.  Lots of penguin (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) to you too Rosemary xx

Im sorry Patricia that you have not been able to get over to see your grandaughter, but am sure you will soon. I bet you are straining at the leash.

Well, I have come down with a bang today, after the nearly good day yesterday.  I have been doing some housework, I looked around and suddenly realised that I was becoming a slut and the dust was settling thick and fast.  Still not shining but a lot better than it was.  That has helped my mood somewhat, so I think I will now sit down with a nice cup of tea.  A bit too early for a Baileys I think.

I am going down our local club tonight with our friends.  They are really good, when they go down there they do not leave me out, which is good,  Sometimes you find that when you are on your own couples tend to leave you to it.  I am in two minds whether I really want to go, but in this new life I have found myself  I have to push myself to do things that will eventually get me through.  So I am hoping that what feels like a chore now will be a pleasure one day.

I think I am just fed up with always trying to keep on top.  No longer is it 'I think I will do this or that' it is now, I have to do these things, and have to push myself on to do them.  Does that make sense, not sure, but then you will understand I think.............

Well I am now going to make that cup of tea, so the kettle is on if anyone wants to join me. 

Lots of (((((hugs)))))))) to you all, and don't forget, I know it is cold, but we gotta keep swimming. xx

Esme, my heart goes out to you and your family. Such difficult times. Yet again this godforsaken illness is causing devastation. ((((((((hugs)))))))). I will keep you all in my prayers and ask the beloved angels to support you all in your time of need. Special hugs for you for tomorrow x x x

Pam, I would like to meet the baby and expect I will do so very, very soon.

Love and angel hugs to you all  x x x Patricia x x x

hello penguins

I am having a bit of a low day today, a shame because I had managed to remain quite possitive the laast few days despite having returned from 2 weeks away to my house alone. During the day i keep the TV on to avoid the deafening silence but at night when I wake it is soo quiet, no breathing, no snoring, no TV downstairs indicating that he is still up watching TV. I think it is not helping with my sleeping, almost like the silence keeps me awake.

I did something I haven't done since..............  I shopped for clothes! Not as exciting as it sounds, I couldn't face the actual shops but ordered from the next catalogue. I decided if i am going to run this 10km i needed a new pair of running trainers, which then lead to me ordering 2 pairs (i intend to send whichever ones I like least back) but not to stop there i then thought I need new Tshirts for the gym, mine are not that sort of Tshirt, so I ordered 4 special sports Tshirts with all the fancy fabric etc and 2 pairs of leggins. Well that is all going to cost a fair bit so I think i need to decide exactly which ones I need and send the rest back! Oh yes and then there is the sports bra! 2 of those too, I am not a small chested woman so it will be an essential bit of kit to get right. The two I ordered look very secure but when they came today they do leave me whith the question, How on earth do you fasten yourself into them without help!!! A bit daft at the moment I guess anyway because my knees have been playing up for the last 2 weeks so have actually laid off the gym since I have been back (did go swimming though, in the literal as well as the metophorical sense).

Rosemary- the huge but gentle hugs continue, especially tomorrow

Mandy- hopes and prayers for your mum

Pam it will be great to see you in Liverpool along with all the others who are going.

Ailsa hope yesterday went ok

Gayle I am sure that not working when you are obviously a constantly on the go person is contributing to your mood and I am sure being back at work on monday will help. I am not the same way as you, I have no problem doing nothing if there is nothing to do, but lately I feel i need a purpose and am increasingly frustrated with not being able to return to work till the end of the month.

Patricia I hope you get to see your grandchild soon, they chnge so fast at that age dont they. I can't beleive how big my god daughter is now.

I know I have missed lots of you out but my memory is not quite as sharp as it should be, lack of use at the moment i think. But hugs to those who need them. I'll do a bit of light swimming whilst those who need to sit in the boat, in a huddle with a large balieys or hot chocolate!! (oh maybe I should have ordered a thermal wetsuit too!!! lol)

Becky

Evening everyone.  I am glad to hear that yesterday was as you would hope for your lovely men's memory Clare & Daffie.  Clare very well done speaking.  I couldn't have done that so I really admire you for doing it - I had to leave it to my children to speak about thier Dad.  Daffie it sounds like your daughters and grandchildren did you proud.  You must both be exhausted so be kind to yourselves now.

Thank you for my messages yesterday.  The day was good in an odd sort of way.  I chat a lot to Chris in my head and I really noticed that I am more likely to be flippant with him now when it was all so sad before.  I like that becuase it makes me smile and I want to smile when I think about him.  Stu came to the cemetery with me and then he made me a lovely meal in the evening.  The day was much calmer than Chris's birthday last year so that is a good thing.

Manda I have everything crossed for your Mum and a really good outcome.  Take care xxx

Patricia what a shame the snow stopped you from meeting your new grand-daughter today.  It is supposed to all wash away by tomorrow so I hope you get to see them tomorrow instead.

Gayle I had forgotten all about the fact that we all commented that we each seemed to be just the same as we were on line, when we met each other in March.  I can remember being so grateful for facebook as well because I knew what others looked like and could recognise them straight away - thank goodness for technology.  I hope you don't stay bored .com for long.  January is a bleak month if you ahve nothing planned.  My neighbour is in charge on entertainment for us but I haven't heard of any booked dates yet so I might ring her tomorrow and see if she has anything planned.  My train tickets arrived yesterday for Liverpool so I am really excited now.

Bren I am glad you enjoyed your meal with your friend.  It is really great that you have her to do things with.  My neighbour is great but she has a partner as well (who always makes me feel so welcome) so I can't go as far as planning holidays with her.  I don't mind 3 for a meal or the theatre but 3 on holiday would feel a little odd for me.  I hope you manage to carry on staying well as it sound as though there are some pretty dodgy illnesses knocking about in your neck of the woods.

Helen thanks for the good wishes.  I hope you have alovely weekend with G.

Pam I hope you are having a great time at the club.  I went to our local club on New Years Eve with my neighbours and it was better than I thought it would be.  Well done booking the holiday for later in the year.

Dot - I hope you are hiding in the middle of the huddle with everyone wrapped round you!

Rosemary this all sounds so very difficult for you.  I know you will be more concerned for you MIL and the rest of the family but you are being so brave.  I will be thinking about you tomorrow and sending you loads of (((hugs))).  As you know, Chris wanted to be at home so I completely understand where your MIL is coming from.  There should be lots of help available to allow her to keep your FIL at home without doing herself any more damage.  It sounds like you have good Mac nurses.  Make sure you stay near the middle of the huddle with Dot for company xxx

Becky it is a shame you still can't go back to work but good luck with the training and I hope you knees are soon up to it.  I had to do lots of clothes shopping soon after losing Chris because I was putting the washing machine on far less and finding I was running out of clothes.  I sleep with the TV on in my bedroom as it would be just too quiet when I wake up in the night otherwise.

Sorry for the riddiculously long post but even though I feel a little more positive for the start of the year I am really quite lonely as it is lovely to chat to everyone on here.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Well my jaunt down to the club last night went better than i thought it would.  Was not really looking forward to it, but at least it got me out.

Been shopping this morning and now a quiet day.  Just hoping I can keep my mood up and not get too down.  Will watch tele for a while, that will pass the time I suppose.  Why is it that in our situation we just have to find things to pass the time.  We can't just enjoy the day.  And what are we passing time for, it is not as if we are waiting for them to get back is it.  Boy that would be great wouldn't it.

Anyway, enough of that, pull your self together Pam. 

Beckie, I agree with Ailsa, I leave the telly on low all night and then if I wake up it is never quiet.  I cannot cope with the silence, I must have some sort of noise going on. 

Hope the days goes as well as it can for all you lovely penguins.

Love and (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

Pam xx

Hello penguins,

Rosemary my heart is going out to you and your family and I will be thinking of you.  Such a hard time and I can imagine the pain that your MIL felt when it actually came down to moving FIL.  I nursed Wully at home for almost a year (with a few spells in the hospice and hospital) and it brought it all back to me that utter exhaustion.  You want to do your best and follow their wishes but it is so very tiring.  I was up all day/night with Wully while dealing with a 2 and 3 year old and it was hard work.  I don't know how I did it now.  Especially when it goes on so long as it has done with your in laws.  Wully went into the hospice a few days before he died for respite for me as I was at breaking point.  He had been getting up during the night and falling when I was trying to get some sleep and I just couldn't do 24 hour care.  He was only supposed to be in the hospice a couple of weeks and then we were looking into a night carer through Marie Curie but of course it never happened.  Sending you huge big cuddly hugs and wish I could do or say more.

I've now forgotten what everyone else has said :)  I am still feeling pretty low and was out last night but came home and had a good sob and slept cuddling W jumper which is something I haven't done in over a year.  I wonder if I am prolonging the grief because I never really deal with it (a - being too busy, and b-having to deal with the kids so never getting a chance to give into it).  Who knows but at the moment I am feeling a bit like you don't know what you had until its gone.  Before W died I was studying for more qualifications with the aim to start my own business when Ewan started school.  W made me promise to do it but of course it has all been forgotten about and Ewan starts school in 8 months.  So this morning I have woke up with a purpose.  I am going to advertise locally for bookkeeping services to dip my toe in the waters and I have restarted my studying.  It will give me something positive to focus on and also build a good future for the boys as I want to be able to provide for them properly until they are adults.  So wish me luck!

Anyway, I have a bit of a hangover from last night so away for a snooze on the couch.

Big hugs to Rosemary and Manda - thinking of you both at these most difficult times.

Gayle xxxx

Unknown said:

Will watch tele for a while, that will pass the time I suppose.  Why is it that in our situation we just have to find things to pass the time.  We can't just enjoy the day.  And what are we passing time for, it is not as if we are waiting for them to get back is it.  Boy that would be great wouldn't it.

Pam,

Hope you don't mind me 'butting in' ! but what you just wrote, above, about passing the time, well it just struck a chord with me.

My mum (who was also my best friend) passed away 14 weeks ago and I miss her SO much.  That's exactly how I feel often, just passing the time, as if all this is just 'temporary' and she's coming back.

Anyway,

Sarah xx

Unknown said:

and slept cuddling W jumper which is something I haven't done in over a year. 

Gayle,

I do that as well, cuddling my mum's stuff all the time, and her favourite teddy, I take to bed every night.   I feel like I'll being doing that forever.  I'll need to.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) to everyone,

Sarah xx

Trying to find things to pass time is what we all do. I spent many months doing nothing of any substance or purpose. Just bumbled through the days. Now I am desperately trying to find some purpose (and failing miserably).

Tomorrow I shall visit with my son and daughter in law at the hospital and meet my new grand daughter. She was born last Sunday and they are still not being allowed home. I cried this evening whilst driving home, for Ray and what he is missing and the fact that I cannot share this new status with him. This is so not how it was meant to be. We should have become grandparents together and rejoiced in that new found title. Instead it is me and me alone who is left to.... to do what? I don't know. This evening I feel so terribly lost and alone. Shame on me. There are so many others who are having such a difficult time of it and here am I moaning and feeling sorry for myself.

I hope that Manda's mum, Lynne's dad  and Rosemary's father in law are comfortable. I will keep them all in my thoughts and prayers.

Gayle, you are such an amazing young lady. You have earned my respect and admiration for the way you are getting on with things and providing for your lovely wee boys. You will I am sure achieve your goal and I wish you every success when you do decide to proceed.

Love and angel hugs to everyone who posts here x xx Patricia x xx

Patricia my love there is no shame in you.  You have been so strong for others and there is nothing wrong with giving yourself some time.  You are feeling low at the moment, what with all that is going on, and you do not have to beat yourself up over it.

Tomorrow you will see your lovely new grandaughter and I am sure that Ray will be with you.  We might not be able to see them, but they are with us every step of the way.  So when you are smiling down at that new sweet life, someone will be with you smiling also.

I want to wrap you in our penguin flippers and try to keep you safe tonight, and tomorrow is another day. Take care my friend, and don't forget what we are always told, take each day as it comes.  We do have to fill up our days, passing time, but that helps the healing process and one day I pray we will all be in a better place.

My  thoughts are with all of you lovely penguins that are having a hard time.  I am there with you, my evening has been in a dark place, but the thought that you are all out there, helping, swimming by my side keeps me sane.

Penguin ((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you all.

Love

Pamxx