My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Well done, Pam  -  every journey starts with one small step, and you have taken it today. Actually, you've come a long way in the time since you joined us here.

I actually went back to teaching full-time 3 months after Alan died; it was hard. but it helped to have a structure to the day and  also paid the bills. Unfortunately, after a year I was made redundant, which was just horrible ; I knew in the May, but  had to keep working there until the end of the summer term.   I then took early retirement although I had planned on working another 7 years. the chance of getting another teaching job at my age are nil, so I have bitten the bullet and will have to manage financially. The work that I do for SENSE is voluntary, and i love it. 

I wish you well, whatever your decision.

sue xx

Rosemary, does the offer of hot chocolate on the 'ledge' looking att he stars still stand? It feels awfully lonely here tonight. (at home I mean). How are tghings with your family? You have not said much lately. I hope that means that no news is good news.

Sue, I am so glad you have found something you enjoy. I am sure they are very grateful for any input you can give them. Be kind to yourself though and don't overdo it.

Pam, well done on your day. One step at a time. I feel sure that Martin would be proud of you.

Fiona, it sounds like you have had a very tough week. Your daughter, like lots of daughter's wants her dad in times of distress (my own daughter included). I hope that her husband makes a good recovery and you can all get back to some semblance of normality. Thinking of you Fiona and sending you (((((hugs)))))

Ailsa, I hope you enjoyed the fireworks (and the beer lol). Don't work too hard this cominbg week.

Lynne, wishing you a better week.

Helen, how is Nat? Getting better I hope.

Linda, Judi, Leslie, Mandy, Becky, Dave (sorry I feel sure I must have missed somneone) have a good evening and be good to yourselves.

I now intend to find something (I don;t know what) to occupy the rest of this long night.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi everyone

For someone that has finally got her braodband back I have been a lousy correspondent haven't I?!! I don't really know if it ithat I am just loving being my house so much and find myself happily pottering around and listening to music and ..... dancing around the kitchen! ... now that is a sight that your really don't want to see.   

Anyway, today I got the 'office' (sounds very pretentious doesn't it) sorted and have a decent desk and chair so here I am .......

Pammie, what  a lovely lady you are - to be trying to support others.  A huge hug to our new penguins .... and a special squeeze to my Buzzie .... she knows why.   I am not going to try and add any words to those already spoken by the incredibly smart ladies here.  But just know that we can all understand and feel every fear, every moment that you feel completely cheated, every desperate moment and just want to wrap you up until it all becomes slightly more bearable ... not necessarily 'better' or 'less painful' but I think we do learn to manage it better. 

I know that things that people say that now I can smile at and think .. 'You know what, you may have a point' when six months or a year ago the very same statement would have made me plaster on one of those 'I just want you to shut up, but I don't want to be rude so I will just nod and smile at you' faces.  I am sure that must be progress!!! lol.

Ailsa, Hope the last week of the Bradford slog passes - just think how qick your sommute will seem next week.  And Lynne, a better week at work is coming hun, i can feel it in my water!!!  Fiona, please make sure you are still looking after yourself darling - ~SO much going on, and you still need a cuddle and caring for too you know.

Munchkin, munchkin - you have your babies back and you WILL get you new house soon.  And in a month or so you will look back and think 'Bl**dy hell, I managed that - I should start wearing my pants on top of my tights!'  Wully is oh so proud of you right now ...... but I think it is fair for you to now look skywards and say 'ok, enough now, can i have a quieter month or two please'.

Rosemary ... my glass is empty  ~(so unlike me!)  Huge hugs hun.  Am working my way through your wonderful idea of book recommendations from FB.  when I say working my way through, I don't mean actually reading them, just reading the list! lol.  but tell Sam that I will NOT be reading any vampire books!!

Today I put all my 'arty' black and white photos of my darling back up on the wall - in the office this time rather than the hall.  don't know why I made that decision - It could be that he was most definitely the smarter one of the couple so should be overseeing the paperwork etc.  Anyway, it just felt right.  I will say that for the first, and I really do mean the first, time while deciding what colours, where to put things, if I wanted to buy new curtains etc - I have actually chosen exactly what I wanted - and very importantly - without feeling guilty.  Before it always felt as if not taking Ed's taste into consideration was a bit of a betrayal.  But I think that I am happier in my skin now and am able to see that is not in fact the case at all.  There have been one or two small things that I have bought and smiled and said to myself  'yes, i know you wouldn't have liked it, but it will give you something to groan about, won't it hun'.

My cowardly hounds have had three nights misery with fireworks ..... but it is quite funny to see my huge Joe look at me with very sad eyes as he climbs on the sofa as if to say 'but you know mum, I am always allowed on teh sofa when there is fireworks'.  We now have torrential rain which has at least stopped them .... and I believe that is it for a couple of days now, so think of my hauling out my pink wellies for another winter and putting the waterproofs on the mutts.

So much love to all - keep swimming xxxxxxxxxxx

Judi xxxxxxx

Hi Judi, I know what you mean about the fireworks. We still have them here. People obviously have more money than they need or maybe I am just being a misery.

Hope you continue to enjoy your lovely new home x xx

Love and angel hugs x xx  Patricia x x x

hi penguins

I hope you all had a good weekend.

Gayle all the best for the week ahead and I hope finally your new house comes through. Ailsa I hope the commute doesn't get you down too much. Fione I hope your son-in-law recovers soon. Pam I am glad that you enjoyed yourself at the weekend, shopping is something I am finding difficult to do, I don't like the idea of having things Mark has never seen or treating myself, silly i know but that is me for now, it will have to change at some point probably be need not want at first.

I had a 'good' weekend, difficult in parts, but good would be the right description. I went to our home town on friday and went to the cemmetary where Marks tree is, it is loosing its leaves for winter but I was pleased to see that  they had turned bright red, Mark loved red leaved trees. The cemmertary is on the edge of the countryside and there are burrows just behind the tree, rabbit i think, they had eaten the flowers my parents had left by the tree the other day. just the stems remained, oh well Mark loved animals and would not mind them having a feast!!! The slightly more worrying thing is that they have nibbled at the bark on the tree, we had put a rabbit guard around it but my dad had cut it down not wanting to interfear with the little lower branches, but abviously the rabbits can stretch that bit taller. I just hope it doesn't kill the tree. we are going to replace the guard with a longer one. It felt good to go there after so long, cried alot, but felt like I needed to. Went back on the Sat with new flowers that I strapped to the trees stake to get them off the floor, now he looks a little more cared for.

I visited his parents on Sat afternoon which went better then expected.

Then I spent sat night and Sunday with my friends. It was their babies christening on sunday and I am her godmother. I knew that it would be difficult at the church and I am bad still in the mornings but I was determined to make the day all about baby olivia. I tried but the vicar gave a sermon about all souls day and the loss of loved ones and life after death. I couldn't help it, I was in floods of tears in the church mid service. It is a small blessing that when we entered the church i had not managed to get a seat right at the front with my friends but had sat a few rows back next to another friend who was nice to me and put her arm around me. I pulled it together for the rest of the service and the christening bit and then the meal in the pub afterwards. I would say that I actually enjoyed being with my friends on thier special day. I missed Mark being by my side, as our bestman and bridesmaid christened thier first child but he would have been so happy for them too. I gave them a gift from both of us, we had chosen it together and decided to give it for her christening, we thought he would be here too, but I wanted them to know it was from us both.

Back home now, and after such a weekend I am feeling low and found it difficult to get out of bed this morning.

Sorry for the low finish, but I hope you all have a good start to the week even with the bad weather. I'll keep swimming, at the shallow end for now.

Take care of yourselves and HUGs to those who need them right now

Becky

Becky, sorry that you feel so low.  This grieving business takes such a lot out of us doesn't it.

After not a bad weekend, shopping went well and fireworks went well, I woke up this morning feeling so lonely and again trying to make some sort of sense of it all.  You are all so right about this roller coaster ride.  One minute up and the next down.  I went out with my daughter this morning and tried to enjoy myself, but it did not work this time.  Everything felt so flat.  I kow it is early days, but oh I wish this roller coaster life would settle down.  I don't want to be here in this life, I want my old life back. I know this will never be, but I am feeling back to square one today.  It is grey and  raining outside and that is how I feel.  My god daughter gave me a disk of photos taken at her wedding reception last November that we went to.  I want to look at the disk to see my Martins lovely photos but am scared to look as I think I feel upset enough at the moment.  So I think I will keep that for a stronger day.

I am now gonna put on my cossie and try to get swimming again.  Perhaps a large Baileys might help me get into the water.

You can all join me if you like, I really need a huddle at the moment.

Lots of love and ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Pamx

Hi, I'm new to this site, my partner Anthony died 30/9/10 he was only 43 (my toyboy i've just turned 51) unexpected even though he had medullary thyroid cancer which had spread to lungs & liver but he was on a trial drug for that & it had shrunken the growth, Anthony had a tracheostoma after having his voicebox removed in 2007, he was doing so well. he had to clean his stoma every morning & night, it was his routine for 3 yrs but this particular night he bled from his stoma & I could'nt stop it, I don't know what he had done, whether it has happened by itself or if he had caught it himself, but whatever happened the bleeding was too much & the paramedics could not save him, there is going to be an inquest so we have to wait to hear the cause of death & that could take from 6-12 month.vv I have read alot of the posts so far. I just don't know what to do with myself, I went back to work last week on reduced hours but today was my first time back on full time, its been awful, when I used to come out of work I txt Anthony I was setting off & he always txt back drive safe see you soon, tonight was so hard & I sat in the cry sobbing before I set off home. sorry if I'm going on but I just can't get it all out what I feel. I am the same with shopping I hate to think Anthony would not see me wearing what I had bought new or tell me how good I looked in it as he always did, I don't feel the need to have new things or put makeup on as I have no one to look good for anymore, I'm just about making myself shower & do my hair, Iv'e never been like that.

Sorry for going on

Thanks for reading.  Karen x

Hi everyone

Karen so sorry to hear about Anthony, my hubbie was 42 when he died. Far too young xxx Dont apologise for going on, that s what this thread is all about and we have all `gone on` once or twice. Everything you say rings so many bells, when I first went back to work I cried all the way there and all the way back!! How I managed to drive I dont know! Keep posting xx

Pam it certainly is a rollercoaster!! Just got to ride it as the song goes, you re doing so well and its lovely to read your posts. I havent got too far with the de cluttering!! Put a few books in a bag for charity but kept putting some of Paul`s favourite back on the shelf! I know......why??? Daft x

Becky well done on getting through the weekend, always feels worse when you arrive home doesnt it. I had a giggle about your thoughts on the rabbit nibbling the flowers, and Mark not minding!!

Judi glad you love your house so much x I have to confess we got our bedroom decorated while Paul wa sill. I saw a lovely canvas I wanted over the bed but Paul hated it. He actually said to me you can buy it when I m not here. Yes...I did buy it and had a bit of a chat with him and said `well you did say I could buy it now` I know he would have laughed at me!!

I ve still got a poorly Nat!1 She went back to Dr s this morning as she is in so much pain and cant open her mouth wide or eat a great deal. The Dr worried she may have an absess on her tonsil and warned her she may have to go straight to hospital but after examination he thinks she s ok and changed medication and pain killers, just got to keep an eye on it. Poor thing is re living how Paul must have felt as all his treatment and cancer was in this throat and mouth and he couldnt eat, swallow etc xx She s not a happy bunny.

Fiona hope you re ok today, and your son in law is doing ok xx

Well off to watch Corrie, dont know why as Jack dies tonight doesnt he so sure therell be tears!!!

Bug higs to everyone, just keep swimming!!!

Helen xxx

Karen, welcome to the thread. I am so sorry that you find yourself here. My heart goes out to you for the terrible experience you had during Anthony's last hours.You never have to apologise on here. This is a place where you can feel safe to say how you feel. The ladies are so supportive and always ready to listen to our woes, our fears, our joys (if and when they happen).  Most of us are much further down the line now but still have our wobbles from time to time.

Pam, Becky, Karen, it is normal to feel sad when we think of our loved ones never seeing us in what we buy or being able to enjoy some new thing in our lives.  Family occassions are especially hard to get through I have found. Take time to get used to your new situation and don;t be hard on yourselves if you get upset at family functions. It will probably happen and we have no control over it. I used to take myself off for a walk when that happened just so that I could compose myself in private. (In fact, I still do).

Rosemary, thank you for your message earlier, you caught me at a low ebb so it was very welcome.

Fiona, Lynne, Gayle I hope you have had a better day today.

Judi, lovely to see you posting again. I do hope you continue to enjoy your new home with 'the hounds'. You are turning into a rebel though aren't you. (choosing things you know Ed would not like lol).

Lynnda, I hope you enjoyed the wedding as much as you could.

I hope that all you lovely penguins are managing to enjoy your days as much as possible.

As for me,today I have been trying to sort through some of Ray's things and yet again had to put it all away again. I still cannot do it without ending up in floods of tears. I found a lovely photograph which was taken in 2004 when he climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge. He looks so happy. There were also some photographs which he took of places he saw and they brought back memories of him telling me about them. I had to leave it all and I went to meet my daughter for lunch. After that I went shopping for all the new babies we are expecting. So many things to choose from. I am trying to sort out the Christmas shopping too but really can't be bothered. Oh well, time to stop being miserable and get my act together I suppose.

Soooo...... everyone who needs comforting, climb into the middle  of the penguin huddle and I will do my best to wrap my flippers around you.. Now where is that lovely sparkly rope that Rosemary brought? It must be here somewhere.

Take care dear penguins x x x love and angel hugs x x x  Patricia x x x

Ok all you penguins that need it, swimming, especially in this weather can be especially hard so hop into the boat and we'll give you a tow!  Baileys will be served of course and as the night closes in and the stars come out (yes they are there even if the clouds are hiding them at the moment), hot chocolate is being poured and passed around.  Keep swimming..... but if that's a bit hard help is always at hand!

(Posting this now in case I lose it or the picture doesn't appear) xxxxx