My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Morning,

Becky and Pam sending you hugs.  There isn't much I can say and wish I could.  Life is very cruel and unfair and you are both doing great.  Patricia, I am glad you got some answers re your dad's tests and I can understand your worry.  Wully got rushed into hospital about 7 months before he died as he could not stop being sick.  Of course they told me it was cancer and basically he would have to go to the hospice to die.  However, it was also scar tissue with him after having his gullet removed and when the scar tissue was removed he was much better and got out on Xmas Eve.  I know that acid reflux is bad and can cause the cancer my husband had so I won't of course say to you that it is definitely going to be okay but if they are saying scar tissue at present then I am sure if all the penguins keep their flippers crossed then we can only hope for good news.  Lynne, I am sure it wasn't you that flooded my house :)  I hope your dad gets on okay next week. 

Well, I am still in my hotel.  I am just waiting on the insurance assessor so I can't really do anything as I can't move the damaged stuff as they want to inspect everything.  The house is full of dehumidifiers and it is drying out well.  It is just so upsetting.  I went over last night to pick up a few things and just looked at my beautiful house and cried.  I think its just because I have been so stressed lately and then this.  Last night was the lowest I have been in a long while.  No fight left.  I miss the boys so badly even though I am obviously seeing them all the time but just want us to have a home and stability.  Jamie has nothing left - no toys, clothes, shoes, books, dvds, tv, etc and it is heartbreaking.  I came back to the hotel and just cried and luckily I just fell asleep as I have never felt quite so bad as I did last night.  I feel slightly better today as I had a good sleep (I was shattered which wasn't helping) and I have also seen another house on the internet that has just came on so I am trying to get a viewing as it seems perfect.  It is a 4 bedroom near to the other house I was going to rent (which is still not progressing) so fingers crossed I can get a viewing soon and take it from there.  It has quite small rooms but I was joking with my mum saying it doesn't really matter now as I have lost quite a lot of furniture with this flood so I just won't need to replace it!

I have also set up the Liverpool meet today on facebook and sent you all an invite request and details of the restaurant and hotel.

Take care penguins

Gayle xxx

Hi Lyn and Patricia, I am routing for you and hope the results are OK.  I know what it is like playing the waiting game. 

Gayle, so sorry to hear about your flood and hope that things get sorted out quickly.  Why do we still get all the crap, you would think that we had had more than enough and life would be kind to us.  Does not seem to work out that way does it.  Talk about kick you when you are down eh!!

I have had my daughter and grandchildren from Wales staying with me for the last few days and it has been good.  Have not had a lot of time to think about things, which must be good.  So now sitting here on my own, it is so quiet.  Not feeling too bad at the moment, but not sure if it will remain like that.  Still can't get my head round the fact that Martin will never be here again, still seems like a bad dream.  But then I know in my head that it is true.  It's not bloody fair is it...........

Anyway, onward and upward.  Would be nice to meet up with you all in Liverpool at the end of Jan.  I am going to be positive and put my name down for this and hope I will be strong enough to go through with it.  It is quite a way away from me, I live in Norfolk, and not sure whether to go by train or drive.  Does anyone else live down this end, and how do you do it.  I suppose train would be the best.  Will have to think about that one.

Anyway, am now going to put my cossi on and start swimming again. 

Lots of love and ((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you all

Pam xx

Well, as I was just posting my last post, I saw a mouse run across the hall.  Now why should that make me feel invaded.  I am not scared of mice and if Martin had been around I would have been tellling him to just catch it and put it outside.  But I am now thinking I need a mouse trap.

Why does our loss make us feel so vunerable. 

Pam xx

Evening everyone.  I haven't been very well this past week so I haven't really felt like posting.  I am very rarely unwell so even after almost 18 months I think it is something that I haven't addressed without Chris.  I have been missing him dreadfully and feeling very sorry for myself.  However - the weekend is here and I will finally get a chance to rest now so hopefully I will feel less sorry for myself by the end of tomorrow.  I am having to work in Bradford this week and for another 2 weeks as well so that hasn't helped.  I am being miserable about the drive and the long days.  I need one of those kick up the bums you sometimes mention Gayle!  Pam you were wondering about driving from Norfolk to Liverpool in January.  You must do what is best for you but if it is any help having another opinion I would suggest you seriously consider the train.  I enjoy driving and as some of the others know I have driven hundreds of miles for various reasons this summer.  However after driving to the last 2 meets I have realised that it is actually far more tiring than I would care to admit before.  I am going to give in and get the train to Liverpool even though I know I can drive there in an hour and a half.  I think I might enjoy the weekend more that way and not feel to exhausted for 3 or 4 days afterwards.

Gayle I really hope you are feeling a little better today than you did yesterday.  I still can't believe that happened.  Thank you for going ahead and organising the next meet in Liverpool.  I know distractions can help but you are really going that extra mile for us.  Try to take care of yourself as well.  ((((((bug higs))))))

Patricia I have everything crossed for good test results for your Dad.  I won't say anything more but I am thinking about you while you wait to hear.

Pam, Becky I hope you are both okay this weekend.  Pam I know just what you mean about feeling vulnerable.  It isn't even that we are scared - of mice or anything else - most of the time.  It is more to do with being reminded that we have to decide what to do on our own and then deal with it on our own.  Like Lynne, I have been having a go at some drilling etc this summer.  I'm nowhere near as good at it as Chris was and I can always call on my son to help me out if I get stuck but still everytime I do it it upsets me that I have to.

Well I hope everyone else is okay and that you all have some plans for the weekend.  I have Declan with me this evening but then I am taking him to his Dad's tomorrow lunchtime.  I am having sky in to replace a box on Sunday morning but other than that I need to get some rest and do some housework.  How dod the card making go Dot?  I never seem to get a chance to sit down and make a few - it always seems to be just the one I need for now.  Maybe now it is getting dark earlier I will get more of a chance.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Evening all!  Trying Safari instead of Internet Explorer to see if it all works better or if it's my computer that is failing - hopefully not as I only bought it last year!  

Ailsa I hope you are feeling better, have you managed to get some rest?  I know what you mean about the tiredness making missing them worse, that's when I always feel Steve would be looking out for me and making sure I didn't overdo things too much and also stopping the kids from taking advantage and causing extra stress etc.  I suppose we just have to look after ourselves on their behalf and make a good job of it.  So look after yourself, get some rest and feel better soon or Aunty Rosemary will have to come and sort you out!

Gayle hope things are picking up for you, I still can't believe it, that stream looked so innocent.  Hope the hotel and the old friend have helped raise your spirits a bit though.  Lots of love to you and the boys, hello to your mum and dad and a big cuddle for my favourite little dog!

Patricia more hugs and good wishes for you and your dad, I do hope you are worrying for nothing and it will all be ok, no matter how many statistics tell you that he will be fine you won't believe it until you are told for sure, fate has already played with us all hasn't it?  

Lynne, you are a DIY star my dear, I am very impressed and have my flat roof waiting - will you bring your tools or are shall I dig out whatever we have here?  Do you think we will need an iron?  Not sure what tools are in the garage, I think Daniel may have "borrowed" quite a few!  Will keep stocking up on Baileys xxx

Pam glad you are able to stick with us, and Becky good to see you posting too, it's the hardest thing to just keep on swimming but for each day that passes you will get stronger - whether you want to or not most of the time.  Big big hugs for you both, always there whenever you need them xxxx

Judi you have the dogs back! (Well hopefully by now if all went to plan) I hope all is wonderful in your lovely new house, peace and quiet reining supreme for you and you dear furry friends.  I have been toasting you nightly with a Baileys - of course this is quite hard for me to do but I think of you and make myself have one, or two just to settle the new house of course. xxx

Lesley, Dottee, Fiona (was thinking of you today as I saw some beautiful wool and wished I could knit), Helen, Manda (how are you wee thing?), Mandy, Dave, Linda, Bren and ALL our lovely penguins thinking of you lots and snuggling you all indoors as the weather isn't good for sitting on ledges at the moment.  xxxxxxx

Hi all, saw dad today and he is looking much happier because he has been able to eat without choking. Such a simple thing to give such pleasure but something we all take so much for granted.  Mum in law is having problems walking ?due to arthritis. she has decided to forego the ortho appointment as follow up to her fall. Can't say I blame her. They nearly took her leg off last time and all to say she was ok.  I hope you all remember to turn back your clocks tonight.

Ailsa, I hope you are feeling a little better today. Try not to work overly hard over the next week.

Anyone fancy doing my baby knitting for me. I seem to have lost momentum.

Take care all x x x Love and angel hugs x x x  Patricia

Morning everyone.  I might just do that Patricia - I haven't knitted for years but knitting baby clothes is the best.  If I did some knitting I would need to meet with you to hand it over so that would be another good thing!

I am feeling a good bit better this morning.  The bug is gone and the house is in a little more order.  The sky man has been and changed my box over.  I've been to the cemetery a couple of times as well this weekend.  I am no longer anxious or tired so I just need to keep up the good work now and not let myself get tired like that again.  I have even watched 2 good DVDs this weekend as well that Stu gave me for my birthday way back in June.  It is lovely to have time to pop on here as well.

Patricia I am pleased to hear your Dad is happier.  My clocks are changed and I am making the most of the extra hour.  I hope everyone is having a good weekend.  Helen is away in Edinburgh - having a great break no doubt.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Morning everyone it is a beautiful sunny day here a little cold but at least the sun is shining. I was working last night and the forst patient I had to phone was in remission from Leukaemia  and had been for quite a while, it really too the wind from my sails. I found myself thinking why him and not Bert why is life so unfair, not that i wished him to be unwell i hope he continues to stay in remission for a long time. He looked so well when he came into the centre, Bert never looked that well.

I have bought myself a new laptop so am trying hard to get used to it.

hope everyone is well it has been quiet here recently so hopefully that is because you are all feeling brighter

Love snd Hugs to all

love Teri

Happy Halloween. whooooooo whooooooo

Love nad angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi all you lovely penguins and a Happy Halloween to you.

Well yesterday  I sat and finished a report I wanted to send to PALS.  I have been so angry at the quality of care Martin got in his 5 short months of his disease and felt I had to get rid of some of the anger.  It really drained me, reliving the terrible few months we lived through.  Martin was there with me when I was writing and then when I had finished I realised he was not and I cried more than I have cried since he died.  I needed to do this for me and for Martin as I do not think that we should be treated as we sometimes are.  Especially when we were told that if we had gone private it might have been different and what do you expect from the NHS.  I will be posting the letter tomorrow and hope that it will help me somewhat to get on with my life and my grief.  I had to fight every step of the way when Martin was ill and feel so mentally drained.  It should not be this way. It will not give me closure, I do not think anything can do that, but it might give me peace of mind that I have now done everything I could possibly have done.  I looked after Martin and willed him to live for 5 months.  Unfortunately this was not to be.  But I hope this now gives me some relief from the frustration and anger I have felt, whilst Martin was here and since he has been gone.

Well I have not had too bad a day today.  My grandson stayed last night as he had a party to go to nearby.  My daughter and family came for a few hours and have just left.  I have put the dustbin out, closed the curtains, had a good cry and am now feeling so lonely.  I know I will heal in time, and although I will never forget Martin or get back the life we had, I will build another life, I have to for his sake.  But at this moment in time I am sitting here feeling so lonely and wondering what on earth I am going to do now.

I know that you all have your own demons, but I also know you are there for me.  That is helping me so much.  I have now stopped crying and feel a bit better for writing.  I think this is such an unsettling time of year, I think if feels scary, don't know why.  Perhaps because we have the long winter ahead of us.Too many dark nights and dark thoughts.  But after winter there is spring.  So I will now stop this rambling and say, hope you all have a good evening.

So many (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) to you all

Love

Pam x