My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi everyone - well the office is empty so I just thought ...... I know what I will do!  I am here late tonight as I had to run out of work earlier because a lovely chap who is painting the fencing that will be used to keep the hounds in was at the house and the carpets and carpet fitters arrived at four instead of six and weren't prepared to stay!  So - exit one red-faced Jude for an hour.  So have come back to make up the time .... and what better way to do that than to say hi to my penguins. 

I am so looking forward to seeing those whoa re coming to Glasgow .... just a wee warning .... we had snow here this morning - bring your Damart! 

Pammie, you are exactly right about feeling that you have known these ladies for ages - that is just how I felt after a week or so of posting here.  I don't know for sure but feel that it may have something to do with the fact that these are the ONLY people in the world that genuinely know what youa re going through, and therefore you accept what they say, realise that they don't have all the answers, but are asking the same questions as you - and sometimes that is enough.

I have been reading your posts and some of them immediately cut right to the centre of me, because they sound so familiar, so true, so hard to bear .... and it is then that I realise that although I NEVER thought it would happen, I have come on a million miles from two years, eighteen months, a year ... even six months ago.  I don't think I fully realised it until I read some of your heart-breaking posts and thought "My God I could have written that".  I would never dream to say that it is or will be the case for every one of us, but I can put my hand on my heart and say that now, most of the time, I am able to give a wry smile, look skywards and say "Thank you darling" cos I am so much stronger and so much more of a person because of having had those years with my darling, and maybe now am able to appreciate that in a way I wasn't when he first died. 

So, stay with us, at the moment I imagine you are never more than three or four seconds away from crying, whereas now I think that I am probably at least thirty seconds away at any given time ...... but have learnt on most occasions to be able to stop them reaching my eyes within about twenty-eight seconds!!  Phew ... just made it!

Say whatever you have to say, rant and scream, swear and shout, cry and despair - I guarantee these ladies will never tire, never judge and will always understand. 

Okay ..... I think I have made up my time now, and in a most productive way .... a happy worker is a hard worker!!! 

Off to rouse a joiner and a carpet fitter or two.

Loads of love to all

Judes x x x x x x x x x

Judi, thanks for that

Yours post has really given me hope to go on. 

It would have been great to meet everyone next week, but it is much too soon.  Hopefully I might be strong enough to catch the next one and then I can meet all you lovely penguins.

Loads of love and hugs

Pam xx

Gayle, I do worry about you. You always seem to be running somewhere. Please, please take care of yourself. I hope you are feeling just a little less sad now. Life throws all sorts at us doesn't it and not always what we want.

Judi, sooo lovely to hear form you again and with such words of wisdom too. I hope you have a lovely time meeting up with our fellow penguins whilst I have to work (boo hoo).

Pam, one second at a time hun, sending you big ((((((hugs))))))). Penguins are rallying to keep you safe x x

I hope you are all having a resonable evening.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Thanks Patricia, I'm okay.  Still sad but I have been through worse as we all have.  I am just impatient.  Life has to get better soon but I want to happen today :)  The whole house situation is really dragging me down as well.  I feel in limbo and just want it resolved.  The latest update is that she will be out the house within the next 2 weeks either by her own moving out or because the court throw her out.  I really feel unsettled in this house now and feel I need a fresh start.  I moved to this house to kind of runaway after Wully died, hide away and lick my wounds.  But I need to start pulling my socks up and dealing with things now and being a better mum.  The boys need stability and I hope that once we move we can settle there long term and be happy.  Anyway, I hope you (and all our lovely penguins) are okay this evening.

Gayle xxx

Dear Gayle

Don't wait for the court to decide - just whistle and I'm sure we can round up enough penguins to sort out this person for you.........I'm in the mood for a fight!!!!  Anyone else care to join in ????

Meanwhile here's a (((((hug)))) xxx

Becoming a 'better Mum'?  I feel that you are an excellent Mum already......Your stories of your boys and how they are......well they are the proof that you are doing a brilliant job with them.  At such a tender age they are already showing signs of being loving and caring.......And if one or other has a tantrum from time to  time??  Well don't we all???  I know how hard it is to be both parents at once (Alan used to be away for long periods of time!) and it is hard work - but my 2 sons survived the ordeal(?) and have grown up to be lovely young men........Besides you get the chance to stay young - playing football.............. climbing trees.............running around in ever-decreasing circles till you fall over..................(Oh sorry - the last one is what Mums do all the time!!!)..............

I am sure that you will be on the move soon and settled into your new home.......making it a safe haven for you all........

Love and a big comforting (((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))) for you and your boys...

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Morning all , i agree with what Dottee says Gayle and as i'll be with you soon and the other penguins , maybe a little detour to see to see your new house would be in order xxx Meanwhile sending a hug to last you till tommorow (((hug))) Just a quick one as i'm on early and hope we have a better day than yesterday , i can see why the bosses are so appriciative of us when we have a day like that , too many patients , not enough crews and bad roads , we seemed to be going backwards all day and we got a few "rollockings " from a few patients who we picked up late , oh well smiley sweetly :):):) ..

Take care all , i'm sure you'll hear form us over the weekend   XXX

 Lynne xxxx

Oh welcome back Judi xxxxx and i know Helen has no internet but sure it will be sorted soon and she'llbe back xxxx

Morning Lynne

Sending you a (((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))) and a wish for a better day today...

Love and more ((((hugs))))

Dot xxxxxx

Morning all you penguins -- have been wondering how you all are as couldnt get on to face book or macmillan in china-- had a lovely time though missed Cyril holding my hand and sightseeing but I knew where I went he had been last year before he started his chemo -- though how he coped with the wall I'll never know but he had so much determination -- if only that were all it took to beat the cancer. What a massive city + never ending traffic + crowds everywhere but the sights were stunning -- lots of steps though especially at the wall my legs have only just stopped aching. Lovely to spend time with the family -- the kids have grown so much -- now will have to catch up with all the penguin exploits xx hugs to all lynda

Lynne I hope that today is a better one for you. Sorry to hear that clients were telling you off for being a little late. Unfortunately most of them have no concept of why you may have been delayed but are quite happy to delay you due to their own needs (double standards eh? lol).

Gayle, you come across as having done a very good job so far with your boys. They appear to be very close and seem to be lovely little boys.

Judi, how lovely to see you back online if only briefly.

Dottee, here again to offer you support and hugs. How lovely you are (((((((((hugs))))))))) for you too x x

All you lovely penguins have the best day you can. Bet you can't wait for your meet up.

I am a little worried at the moment. Hopefully unnecessarily. My dad has been having increasing problems swallowing just lately, He has always had to chew his food to a complete pulp but lately is finding it much worse. He is going for a gastroscopy on Wednesday to see if they can help him. Fingers crossed, but somehow I have become extremely anxious about it. 'Mrs laid back' is in complete panic mode. Probably because I am so scared of anything happening to someone else I love dearly.

Anyway, love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x