My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Morning all , just a quick one as my mind is working overtime, i'm definately taking up Particia's idea og the . coms , not sure excactly when , its Beths play tonight which is in the same church as Gordons funeral , oh yes i've not done being tortured yet ,, i expect the tears , no ,ascara for me tonight then . My neice is throwing a suprise party for my older sister tommorow for her birthday , i am babysitting Aiden on wed afternoon whilst Beth and her mum are at the school pantamine , i'll get back from funeral sat afternoon , but its the final of the singing comp sat night which my friend , her daughter and a man from work are all through too , the 1sr prize is 1000 pounde so shpuld be interesting . I believe everyhting happens for a reason (well most things) so i think i'm meant to be busy then i wont have time to think too much . Judi i'm travelling to Edinburgh and then on to Larbert , i think this is a little way from you isn't it ? i wish it was closer , how much i would have needed that bug hig xx . Sue i hope you manage to sort out your lights , i know what you mean about being super sensitive , it doesn't take much to make me reach for the tissues , but when i do now i'm going to imagine you all pushing me into the middle with a group hig  .xx Patricia and Fiona , hope your feeling a little better today if not , come on get in the middle , i'm on the outside today i'm determined to stay there for a while xx

Morning and hugs to everybody else , dont want to miss any one out so i wont do names but you all know who you are , my little penguin friends .

Have a reasnable day

Take care

Lynne xxxxxxxxx

Ps Judi GET THOSE CARDS DONE , IF HELEN AND SUE CAN DO IT SO CAN YOU (but not me lol)

I am sitting here thinking of the song 'When I'm 64'. Ray used to sing that to me and ask if I would still love him and 'want' him when we reached 64. Little did we know then that he would never reach that age and would in fact be robbed of life 10 years before that age. GGrrrrr.... Today I feel so lost and alone and could if I let myself feel angry too. But i will not let anger enter my life.  It is not who I am. Ahh I guess I am feeling sorry for myself today. Ooops how selfish I feel. That flippin' black hole is trying to drag me in.... but I am kicking and screaming and clinging to the fence in the hopes that I do not fall in.

Oh how can this be happening. I can sit here and give advice and support to others but somehow I am unable to follow it myself. I am so aware that I do this but cannot change who or what I am.

All I can say is thank you to you all for being there for me. I know I said I want to be on the outer edge of the 'penguin huddle' but right now I want to be in the middle. How contrary can I be?

i hope you all have the best day you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

p.s. I am going out to hit the shops because then I won't be able to cry freely. I doubt I will buy anything. I will have to go back to prezziebox etc lol.

p.p.s it seems the dark cloud is lifting (just a little) as I have just been talking with my lovely sister x x x

dear Patricia,

That black hole is NOT going to drag us in!      We penguins will huddle together and by force of our will, we shall stay safely on our ledge.

come in the middle with me - we'll make our way to the outside when it's our turn.

Lots of love

Sue x

Patricia, as Sue says, just you get on in there - right to the middle.  And one day, maybe not quite yet, but one day, our ledge will be wide and long and big.  Yes the edge will be there, but in the distance, I think we will always be able to see the edge - but it will be far enough away that we feel safe.  That doesn't mean that we won't always have Rosemary's sparkly rope binding us all together, cos that is the one that I rely on the most. 

Judi xxxxx

Dear Patricia. Much love and many (((HUGS))) for you.
Quill xxxx

Patricia, am sending you love and hugs. Life can be so cruel can't it. Colin was only 52 when he died and like your hubby he often used to ask if I would still love him when we were old and grey. One of his greatest fears was being put into a nursing home. I used to assure him that would never happen as I would always look after him as long as I was alive. I think in another way he was looking forward to old age, when we could spend quality time together, he loved to go fishing, I love to knit and we both were avid readers. When he used to go fishing I would sit at the waterside knitting or reading, we both looked forward to a time when we could do it more often. You never think that you will be a widow at 47 do you?

Like you I often get feelings of anger but who to be angry at??? It seems to me that for the last 30 years we took our time, got know each other inside out and our love grew and grew over the years. When we finally grew into each other, knew everything there is to know, felt  completely at ease and confident with each other, had the time, money etc to sit back a little and enjoy life. It is snatched away.

Like others have said on here, I am the type of person who has not really had any truck with depression etc, when there has been a problem I have sat down, thought it through and got on with it. This time it is so different, I can't get up, bounce back, I find I often wallow in a sea of self pity and I hate it but can't seem to stop myself sometimes.

Today and yesterday have been a little better. Thank god for those days. try not to worry about feeling so down, everyone understands on here. So many are thinking of you and hoping better days come to you very soon. :-)  xxx Lesleyxxx

Thanks ladies - thinking of you all.  Lynne - Larbert was 5 minutes from my old house and Wully was cremated in Cameleon which is next to it.  I now live an hour and half a way or I would have loved to have met you.  Hopefully February we will get it all sorted.  Just a quick one to say I am still hanging on and to share a lovely picture my mum sent me.

Gayle xx

Its came out tiny lol - it says "the most memorable people in life will be the friends who loved you when you weren't very lovable" - how very apt xx

It came out tiny - it says "The most memorable people in life will be the friends who loved you when you weren't very lovable" - how very apt x

Dear Patricia - I can empathise with you over the advice to others and not following it - I'm the same..........hate being so full of self-pity at such times.....but what can we do???  Come and join me in the middle of the huddle - it's cosy and safe............ we'll edge outwards in a couple of days and rescue someone else..........Wrap them in our flapping flippers (or is that flipping flappers???) and offer our protection and warmth............

Love and a (((((((((((((((bug hig)))))))))))))))))))) specially to comfort you  Dot xxxxxxxxxxx