My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for the nice words.  It is lovely and comforting to speak to you all as you always say the right things!  I know what you mean about being lucky to find each other and "lucky" to have shared those last weeks, months, days.  We too became closer than I could ever imagine being with anyone else ever.  The words, fears and emotions were totally shared and completely honest and not held back.  We did love each other very much.  Wully used to say to me that we were like a jigsaw.  He also read something about you meeting people throughout your life and they all have a number.  So your boyfriend that you kissed at school when you were 15 or the first long term relationship all have a number say 25 or 7.  There is a number 1 out there for all of us and he always told me I was definitely his number 1 and he knew that.  I put that on the flowers that I put on his coffin that he would always be my number 1 too.  But I am blethering now.  What I mean to say is that even though people remind us that it is better to have loved and lost, etc I do truly believe that and though it is still very hard to understand at the moment I am sure it will get easier.

I too can picture your lovely wedding dance Lynne.  It doesn't matter how long you were with Gordon he was very lucky to have you and you him.  I do believe in fate although I am not sure what fate has in store for me and why it has sent me down this road but I am sure one day it will all become clear.

My boys are going to stay at my mum and dads on Saturday to give me peace to do more packing.  Did get quite a bit done today so felt better about that.  Well off to tackle some more toys - the boys will go mad in the morning when they see I have packed most of the toys.  I am just leaving them some out until we move.

Gayle xx

This poem is one that helps me when I feel down, it's on the wall in my study now

You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

When the bad memories come back, and they do still often, I try and let them "run through" and try and deal with them so they can go away and not bother me anymore, if I just try and push them away and not think then they just come back another time but if I acknowledge their presence then they can be filed away and locked up and the good ones can come back.  I think at the time of actually losing Steve I had to go onto autopilot just to get through it all and deal with it and that is why that awful time keeps coming back at me to be relived all over again, but if I can deal with it, cry about it and try to understand that I can't change anything I did anyway for better or worse then let go, maybe it will help free up my mind to move on.  Not away from Steve, but on to the future in a way that can make him happy for us all.

I hope you are all okay tonight, Patricia big hugs as you come close to Rays birthday, Steve's was in May and it was hard, I found myself choosing and ordering a memorial stone and the words to go on it when I should have been choosing birthday presents and cards.  Put flowers by your favourite photo of him and send him your love as always, he will be there beside you and love you all the more. 

Off to pick Samantha up from evening class now, (she is 22 and can drive but had a serious car accident nearly three years ago so gets very tired and it's safer if I taxi for her sometimes) so night night for now, love to you all and a great big group hug - followed by a cup of tea and some apple cake xxxxx

Hello everyone.  It is lovely reading everything you have all been writting tonight.  It makes me cry but I have been bottling that up recently so I think I need to cry.  Chris and I were a bit of a 'soppy' couple but in the last weeks of his life we were very honest with each other.  Chris left me feeling very confident of his love for me and I am so glad we got that time.

I am also plagued by reliving memories of Chris's final weeks and months.  I know I should try to think of the good times and be grateful for the 34 years I knew him but I think only people who are not in our situation can possibly think that is a good think to say.  It is a wonderful theory but my mind just won't let me do it and it doesn't sound like anyone of you are able to do that either.  I hope that I will be able to do it one day but I think that day is a long way off for now.

I think you are right Esme about the bad memories coming back over and over again.  I can only hope that for all of us in the future the bad memories will surface fewer and fewer times.

I'm glad you have had a good time on your break Lynne.  That was a lovely song to play at your wedding and great the way you cheered it up.  Way back in 1977 on the hottest day of the year so far our first dance was to 'I feel love' by Donna Summer!!  See - that was a nice memory so I can do it if I try!!!

I'm sorry Patricia, Gayle and Sue are feeling stressed right now.  I hope your day has improved as it has gone on.  I think about you all during my day and wander how you are doing.

I am having a stay at home weekend this weekend.  I was going away but now I'm not so I am going to try to finish some jobs (there's a surprise!) but make some time for myself to relax as well.  I have vowed that come Monday morning I am no longer going to make lists of things to do.

I had a really long day at work so I am going to get off and have a bath before bed now.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx

Sorry Esme - I was going to say I love the peom.  I have read it before somewhere and it is something I want to remember.  Thanks.  Ailsa xx

Hi Everyone,

Just catching up on all the posts, i have been feeling bad the last few days with one thing and another but trying to give myself a shake. I have been off work today so been to visit my dad and we went a run in car then i have been to Kim's for my dinner so feeling a bit better. Went to cemetary with flowers as well. This not sleeping is beginning to get me down as well but don't want to start taken anything. I still go over and over in my mind about Derek's last few days and  find it hard to think of the good times we had (we had some great laughs) Well i am going to get off to bed and see how i get on tonight, working in the morning so have to get up early. Hope you are all doing ok.

Take Care

Fiona xxxxxxxxx   

Evening everyone

Judi thanks for your kind words, it is such a help just knowing there are others who really understand what I am feeling.

Esme what a lovely poem, it did make me cry but totally understand that it can also give you strength. I will copy it out i think and put it by my bed.

Lynne sorry you had a rough time yesterday, but glad your sis is taking such great care of you. i am sure you will be feeling better tomorrow back at home surrounded by your grandkids.

I too agree with gayle and believe in fate, that things happen for a purpose although sometimes think i must have done something really wrong in a past life to be dealt such a hand in this one. I know that it was fate that brought me and Liam together and we were total soul mates. Very rarely did we have  a cross word and were constantly telling each other we loved each other right up to the end. In fact in Liams last two weeks he was unable to barely move a muscle and the only thing he could do was to squeeze my hand when i spoke to him and mouth i love you to me, it meant so much to me because I know how much he meant it.

Still feeling low but think its partly to do with the girls going to their dads for the weekend, so it will be the first time that I am truly on my own. So really dreading that also have the thought about starting back to work next week, which I need to do but so not looking forward to having to talk to so many people, some of whom I know wont know about Liam so worried about how I will cope. I work in a supermarket so just the thought of bursting into tears on the checkout just feels me with dread.

Anyway I too have rambled enough.

Debs x

Lovely poem Esme, I`ll have to copy it too xxx

Like you say we all have so many happy memories but at the moment can only think about last days/weeks/months. Hopefully one day we`ll all be smiling about our happy times together.

Lynne hope tonight is better, last night!!!

Debs hope this weekend goes ok, I know how quiet the house is when my 2 are out but getting bit more used to it. Good luck with work next week, it is tiring at first but helped me being at work and busy. Just do it slowly.

Fiona hope you sleep better tonight and feel brighter soon xxx

Just before I go off to bed as well I wanted to catch up on anuthing I missed the first time I read through the posts this evening.

I hopy you are enjoying your last night away with your sister and brother-in-law Lynne.  Don't mind the tears - you are with people who love you.  It will be nice for you to get back home tomorrow as well.

Good evening Weebill.  I so admire your courage and compassion as you comfort other people even though you have been through so much.  I hope we here from you again.

Debs - good lucj with work and get some rest this weekend.  I hope you sleep better before work tomorrow Fiona.  Good night everyone.  Ailsa xx

Well guys I am going to see if I can make it to bed before midnight, so I will say goodnight. 

The poem is lovely, I think it appears in Sheila Hancock's book.  Have any of you read it, it's about her life with John Thaw ? I was given it by a gentleman who had lost his wife - she writes so well and described so accurately how it is.  And, unlike another supposedly 'coping' book I was given, the way she describes her journey and how she has managed to see the point of life again, I found myself believing it may be possible.  There were also other poems that she found appropriate at times in her grief, and it finishes beautifully with a lovely one.  I certainly found it a wonderful, if teary read. 

Friday tomorrow - Patricia it is my plan to paint three shelves - I will let you know if I stop after one!  Special hugs to all.

Judi x