Dreams

I dream about my Hubby most nights. But it's usually going over what happened and what was said in the weeks/ months up to his death. And it's the same ..really upsetting. I wake up screaming or cryg . And then I cry most of the next day. I think my brain is trying to change the outcome. I have many regrets on what I believe I should / could have done to keep him here. And now it's too late tohange everything. So painful. So very sad that our lives together have ended this way. I feel we wasted so much time . We just don't know when our future is going to be snatched away from us.

I never dream about my husband, I wish I could but it just doesn't happen. Maybe I don't sleep deeply enough. It's my first wedding anniversary without him this week and I feel so nervous and panicky. What am I going to do to get through this on my own? I'm crying all the time again, I feel it's getting worse. Everyone has backed off, I'm so alone now. I feel that I can't keep doing this.

I have regrets, like why did I keep working when he was having chemo , why did I sit downstairs with his mum sometimes when I should of been laying with him upstairs, why didn't I give him a final wash after he passed away, did I hold his hand at the end. Was so hard in that moment and nobody prepares us what to do. I wish he never even had chemo but we didn't want know prognosis,  maybe if knew we could of made most of time left instead of watching him be on his arse in bed having that x

My friend lost her son and never dreams of him but gets lots of signs. I dread anniversaries as not sure how to deal with them. Christmas Day last year was awful as was 1 year without him , everyone celebrating and I wanted it over with, used to love Christmas but hate it now. People think u ok after funeral but dont see how we have to deal with everyday after x

I think on a similar line . Why did I go out and do the gardening hen he was laid in bed ? I've never been one for sitting or laying around doing nothing. I'm always on the go. But I had intended spending more time with him in the bedroom when we moved house. Playing cards or dominoes sat on the bed. But he was always on his computer ,and the dogs would be laid on the bed with him. Why didn't I make an effort to get him out for a short walk or just a change of scenery more often. I just thought he needed to rest and he would tell me when he felt well enough to go out. I feel like we wasted so much time . And then we ran out of time. Even if we both were healthy ,we never know when our time is up. You are right nobody / nothing prepares us for what a hit this is and just how overwhelming and lonely grief can be . 

I do believe that our loved ones try to send us some signs. I look for things from my Husband. Things have happened which I think he may have played a part in . Like when there have been things I needed ,suddenly I would get the impulse to look somewhere and there would be just what I wanted. I often see the lines left from trails of an aeroplane which are in the form of a X . And think is he sending kisses. I find small white feathers every day on the path or in the park. and I wonder are they from him. Maybe /probably not , but it brings a little comfort when I see them. Yes, all the Anniversaries , Birthdays and Xmas are really painful without them. I try to keep busy and ignore them. Not so easy to do though. Sometimes the Anticipation of such an event can be worse than the day , but it still brings tears and a bit of a meltdown. Only when it happens to them will others/ friends/ family know how incredibly difficult and traumatic it is to lose a very important person in our lives. 

I have similar dreams too Heartbreak.

Not all the time though. When they happen we seem to argue a lot and he is always pushing me away. We did argue a lot during our marriage but none more than most couples do and sometimes when he is there I am going off with someone else. Some are so weird like things happen in them that maybe wouldn't happen in real life and can be so visual and seem so real but then you wake up and realise you were just dreaming. I suppose its their way of reaching out to us, sending messages or whatever like the psychics tell you. 

xx

I remember when it was covid and id go off on a walk if he was at work , listening to music and a sad song might come on about splitting up with your partner and id start crying thinking I cant bare to be without my man , little did we know what was coming, something even worse, i feel an unbelievable sadness everyday and think why me, why us. I just constantly see his face in my head and want to touch him. Can't explain to people how awful it is as they have their partners x

Aww that is beautiful. The only sign I think has happened is the gift of my grandson as my sons girlfriend was told couldn't have children,  together 5 years, didn't use contraception,  then 8 months after my stu passed away she pregnant.  My mum says hes been sent to me from him as he can see how unhappy ive been.  Even that was emotional rollercoaster when your heart feels dead to find some love x

I think that missing them physically is one of the hardest parts, just holding hands or a quick kiss before you popped to the shops. I miss the hugs so much. I stare at his face in a photo and I can feel him, I want so much to touch him. Your head knows they are gone but your heart refuses to accept it. x