It's all a sham

Yes, that's perfectly normal for those of us who have lost our beloveds. My husband died a touch over two years ago: our daughter, with the best of intentions, congratulated me on how well I was coping. If 'coping' means making an effort when with other people to interact and behave 'normally', then, like you, yes, I am coping. But I weep when I'm on my own; I rerun his final hours obsessively and berate myself for allowing the medics to not treat the infection that killed him until it was too late. And then, if I'm not upset, I worry that I'm losing  him all over again as it's the only way I have of keeping him with me. And inside I'm numb. 

I keep busy but by myself. It's not a sham: it's the new normal. Hugs.

I feel like that all most of the time too. I have got good at putting on the mask as you say too and to everyone I am `doing really well` or have `done so well` since Jay passed but inside some days I just still feel that I am falling apart. I see people getting on with their lives and doing things and planning things together and sometimes I think it is just so unfair and I just feel constantly stuck realising that all our plans we had wanted to do have all gone and this is it now its just me. Some days though I still look at what I have got and sometimes things feel not so bad. Financially things have taken a hit for me and I am now on limited income and just have to make do with what I have I do have help here and there with some bills now with being a single person and get some discounts so that helps. My house is paid for so I have no mortgage if that was still running I just don't think I would be here. My food shopping bills have been cut down because again its just me so these are small things I am thankful for and my car is paid for too and its just the road tax, diesel and MOT and servicing costs I need to put out for that so its little things like this I feel thankful for but for all that its still the `emptiness` of being here on my own. I was at my sons house today again looking after my little granddaughters and its great I have that but when I come home to an empty house its then when it still hits you and you are on your own. Being a natural introvert doesn't really bother me being on my own but sometimes it does get a bit overwhelming at times. As I have said already, I just feel that I am here now for everyone else but again if I didn't have that and be useful I don't know where I would be. I think its right what `wesurvived` has said it is normal for all of us who have lost our beloveds. When he was here I could sometimes see him far enough but now what I'd give just to have him back and let him see how I have managed without him. Take Care. 

Vicky x

It's so hard isn't it? The loneliness and grief feel as if they're in my bones, I can't escape them. I don't have anyone in my 'real life' who understands, I can't find any sort of support locally. The people here are keeping me sane, the only ones who truly get it. Thankyou all.

We tell the truth, and are honest. Yes, it is savage and upsetting for others. We can’t share that part, because I know they won’t be able to handle it. My husband’s best friend came over yesterday, to help with a down pipe, at the back of the house. He had a cup of tea afterwards, and we chatted. I showed him a picture of holiday we all had in a villa in Majorca, over 25 years ago. He welled up, and I could see that he was in pain. I felt guilty, as they were like brothers. Well guess what, I have to live with that pain every minute of every bloody day. Morning, afternoon and evening. Yes, I do have projects, family and friends that do their best. But, I don’t have my bloody husband, and I love him so much. My love for him is there, every day until I die. 

I totally get that, I love David as much as I ever have. It's our wedding anniversary next week and I'm dreading it, all those memories and him not here to share them with. This is so hard, so much harder than caring for him ever was. And if there is no afterlife and no chance we'll be reunited what the hell is it for? We always said 'when you're gone that's it' but now I have to hope for something more, it's the only thing keeping me going. 

I am in touch with a long time friend , the Wife of my Husbands Best friend who died 11 years ago on my Birthday. We have always kept in  touch . I know when her Husband died it hit my Husband hard as they had the same relationship like Brothers . Peas out of the same pod. Both liked sport, liked a drink and they would go off to the Pub for hours while us Women either went shopping or were making dinner for them. We did try to support her ,but sometimes I do wonder were we there enough for her after her Husband's death?  It wasn't easy for me to be physically there for her as we didn't live close by. And I was caring for my Husband who had been ill for so long. She has been very good to me since I lost my Husband ,but I think she finds it difficult to know what to say to me. She knows I can be very emotional. She seems to have coped so well. But now that I know how Horrific this loss can be and the way we try to keep up appearances out of the House . Things aren't always as they seem. We put on a brave face in Public,. But once inside the floods of tears begin and we break . I go over the past few years over and over again in my head. I feel broken and sometimes I really want to scream. I have been unable to wear any of my rings because my knuckles are swollen with Arthritis. I have finally found a cheap ring . I felt bare without my wedding ring. Even though this isn't the ring he gave me it feels better that I have a ring on that finger again. I still feel married . I miss him dreadfully. We will never stop loving them. My elder sister has no idea how insensitive it is to moan about her Husband practically every day and I want to shout " Ar least you still have someone . I want mine back.  

Complaining about partners is one thing that bugs me more now than at the start. I feel like shouting too. But then im sure I had my moans about Tony too, Id still give anything to have him here with me.

We never worse our wedding rings,  but I am wondering what to do with them. We managed to make a hand cast whilst he was ill and I did think about putting them on there, but im now sure.

MY wedding ring doesn't fit anymore. My fingers have swollen slightly so its too tight to get on now. I just have Jay and I's rings on a chain which I wear now. 

I wear my Eternity ring around my neck. I need to dig out my wedding ring. I found a ring for a substitute and it's amazing how my finger feels better with a ring in their again. Simple things .

I love the idea of an Eternity ring. I still my husband’s Wedding ring in between chores. It is a bit too big, so I also wear a lovely ring from his mum. They were the two most important people in my life, and still gives me a lot of comfort.