It's all a sham

I totally get what you're describing and how painful the gap between outside and inside is. I'm not sure it's being dishonest to have various versions of ourselves. There seem to be so many prompts to act 'normal' in social settings that it feels to me like it takes a huge amount of bravery and energy to share the ugly reality of my grief with others. So I want to send you a big hug and am just sorry that this all means coming back home to the heaviness, pain and overwhelm. No relief from it and that is the pits. Sending love. 

Thankyou. Today is a bad day. Again.

Same. Relentless. So so sorry.

How the hell are we meant to live like this? Love and hugs x

1. I wish I knew Spirit. It's now been almost 18 months since my Dear Hubby left me. I've cried every single day . Screamed often. I get angry and want to smash the house sometimes. I still blame myself for not getting him to the Hospital sooner. Everyone else accepts that it was his time. I know how ill he was ,but he pretended he was Ok a lot of the time. I go over the same things again and again every day. Trying to make sense of things. How it ended so badly. When I have to go out with the dogs or shopping. I usually take a tablet to calm myself before I go. I still get very anxious. Not quite as panicky as I did at the beginning,but often become close to tears . When I see family or neighbours I put on a front. Worried I will break down in floods of tears. As soon as I get back in the house and shut that door I have a melt down. And I wonder how many years do I have to exist like this. I have read some Widows / Widowers say they owe it to their lost one to live their life . I don't see how I can do that. I cannot bear to go to a Pub or Restaurant. I have to push myself to go to the Yoga class once a week. My family say I'm strong . They don't see me cry when I wake up. Or cry myself to sleep at night On and off during the day. Even keeping busy does not stop the thoughts . He is in my mind in everything I do. I often wonder how others I know who have lost their life Partners  are coping. If only there was more help out there . Hopefully in time we will be able to get through this a little easier. 

Had another shit week no make that fortnight. For some reason someone up there(hopefully not Jay) has been testing my patience this last two weeks. It was my oldest granddaugter's birthday on Tuesday (22nd). My son phoned to say they were having a birthday tea for her at Frankie and Bennys restaurant but asked if I could help out with paying and I told him I couldn't and then he proceeded to try to give me a lecture that I'm not managing my finances. Things are not too great for him either financially so he really has no room to give me lectures.This niggled on me all day and later that day I just bust into floods of tears and just felt so hopeless and useless as I'm trying my best to budget best I can.  I managed to get a parking fine cancelled for him then he got but he then got another one saying he had parked over his time in a shopping centre but said he hadn't but photos don't lie so he let this drag Jay bough his car for him the year just before he passed but my son hasn't changed the log book details so the car is still in his dad's name so I got the fine sent to me and phoned them and explained but since he left it that long it went to a debt collection agency so he needs to pay this one. Then I took the dog to vet for his annual booster vaccination yesterday. I am on a pet plan with them and it means all his vaccinations and certain things are paid for thanks to this plan. The plan had expired and I forgot to renew it so I had to cough up £78 there and then. Then I went out today to go to the gym and I came home and parked the car and then I noticed there was what looked like a puddle of water on the road. Turns out I had a diesel leak and I had created a little `trail` going right along the road in my street. Luckily I'm with the RAC and they sent someone out to look at it. He went away and got the part to fix it and came back and it cost me £106 to get that fixed. I went to pay part card part cash and he said they don't take cash payments and its all card since covid. So paid by card. The week is not even over yet but tomorrow is Friday- Thank goodness!! I saw 8 magpies today and thought that would be a sign of good fortune but I think it has went the other way. Things like this I start to feel very vurlnerable about when Jay is not here. I just hope next week leading up to the end of September will be better and October will be a nicer month to me. Take Care All xx

I am sorry you feel this way, unless you are going through it yourself I am not sure anyone would understand what it is like - I certainly didn’t and would give anything for one more day where everything was just normal and he was still here.  Personally I think that after a time society makes us feel we should not inflict our grief upon others so we hide it from them, unfortunately it’s not healthy and tends to make us feel worse, I tend to not want to upset those most close to me, these are precisely the people that wouldn’t want me to do that so I am trying to be more open and honest with them, it’s really not easy, counselling has definitely helped with that.

i am also I think and hope one of those people who tries to live their best life to honour their loved one and also because he asked me not to give up - again I sometimes think that this isn’t the easiest option either but I refuse to give up and not try and do everything I can to find find joy in life again.  This is not the life we wanted and we are made to deal with it I don’t have much advice but you are talking about and showing real self awareness in your emotions which is a positive step in itself (shit I sound like my councillor!) but I do believe that there isn’t a way around it unfortunately we all have to go through it.  Anyway I have waffled enough much love and the positive thought that you are not alone.

Vicki x

Waffle all you like Vicki. Its what this forum is for. We all hear you and can relate. Take Care. 

Vicky x