A new me

Thank you. It was a better day, yesterday. We sat down and talked about how I was feeling. I was completely honest about how difficult I was finding things. They were really surprised, as they thought I was coping well. As I said to them, ‘The mask’ has to stay in place to be socially acceptable. 

But isn't it tiring wearing the mask? My elder sister keeps saying "I thought you were doing so well " I keep taking the tablets to calm my emotions. That's why I might appear to be going well. There is so much needs doing to this house and the back outside that I have to push myself to make improvements. I don't really care about any if it ,but if I don't move myself every day I will just stagnate. And I am sick of feeling so low ,at least if I achieve something each day It feels like I might be going forward ...To where I don't know and don't really care about anything. Just plodding along trying to keep my mind on something other than how Crap I feel my existence is now without my Hubby. I went to stay with my Mum for 2 nights last week. While I got chance with youngest son at home to see to the dogs. I hate travelling anywhere now. While waiting for the return train I met a Lady similar age to me.We got chatting and found we had a lot in common. She had been living in Spain. She had a lot of rescue dogs too. And she had lost her Husband. But for her it was 6 years ago.  She said she goes out more there and gets drunk. And wonders what her son's think about that. I told her if it brought her some comfort or made her a bit happy to do as she liked. Wouldn't be  for me ,But I don't blame her.  I can't imagine me being like that after 6 years. But I hope I have found something to fill some of this massive void I feel now. My friend who lost her Hubby 11 years ago gets on with life and appears to enjoy herself when out. But then who knows. She doesn't really open up much about what life has been like without her Husband except to say it gets lonely. I still feel like I'm going mad at times and want to scream. But need to restrain myself in the house. I can't call this home . And I didn't feel like the last house was home either. So I feel like I'm drifting. This new me is a miserable old woman who pretends to be Ok, normal or something I don't know what. Just sad and unhappy. I start Talking Therapy on 24 th . Let's see if that will change anything. I think it's going to take a long,long time before I can feel confidence,Joy or someone  I feel comfortable with . I find it easier to just stay here trying to keep my mind from going over the Horrible past . I hope everyone else is doing / feeling better than.me. Cx 

I think I was close to a breakdown. Manically getting on with things. Last week, I did a 12 hour shift trying to ‘Catch up’ with perceived jobs that need doing. Maintenance jobs on the car, clearing garage, sorting the study, cooking, etc. I had a complete meltdown and started shouting at our adult children. I felt this terrible rage inside that I had been holding in for months. This was that my previous life had completely vapourised, and that I had to build a new one. I was exhausted, and sleep deprived. Fortunately, they were incredibly supportive and we have worked through it. At least I still have their love. Hugs to all. xxx

It's so difficult suppressing our Emotions. I expected to feel sad, but not Angry ,Jealous ,Resentment etc. I have felt a lot of anger. Sometimes I let my anger out at my Adult son's . I feel they just don't understand how difficult it is for me  without their Dad.  They have accepted it was their Dad's time to go,but still after 14 months I still can't accept that I did enough to keep him here. So I'm angry with him for not letting me know how bad he was. And even more Angry with myself for not doing enough. My relationship with our older son is still strained. But then it nearly always had been. I'm glad you and yours are OK. Now. Meanwhile we need to learn that by keeping busy ,we cannot run or hide from.Grief. Wishing all of us some Peace. Cx 

Thank you for your understanding.

My adult children have no idea how bad this is for me. They live their lives as they always did, often going weeks without contacting me, despite being glued to their phones when we are together. My son says 'we're here for you' and 'we're proud of you' then ignores me. It's very hurtful but I suppose they are the people I brought them up to be, so I blame myself in a way. I think about my mum a lot, my dad died when she was 53 and I was 19. Was I that unfeeling? 

I doubt it. Mobile phones have a lot to answer for. They would have had a different type of relationship with their Dad. They can’t possibly understand the depth of loss you have in the same way. I don’t feel lonely, more alone. That is why it has taken so long to heal. 

Oh Breton, I get that all so much. I don't like travelling either and just feel that everyday now I'm just ` existing  and plodding along too` I want to be doing things but sometimes the incentive and funds are just not there. I feel that I am just here for everyone else now and people keep saying to me you have to remember to allow yourself some `me time` but I don't know what that is anymore. I feel I have a lot of `me time` now when I am at home on my own and that's my `me time` and its a lot. Then you have people saying I have been amazing at how I have coped and managed everything since Jay passed but you just have to get on with things and do your best as no one else will do it for you. My sister has no empathy its not one of her traits  and because of her ill health its something she doesn't recognise and I can't really sit and talk to her about anything and to be blunt she just does not have a clue. One day she said to me like a few of you here have said `oh I thought you were ok now` when I tried to explain to her but until this happens to you you realise you're never ok and your life has just changed period. I can't speak to my son about anything either because he has all his own issues going on with his family. He doesn't speak a lot about his dad and he can be very deep in his thoughts and doesn't open up much so I can't really tell how he is feeling most of the time. This is why I come here because I can feel I can open up here and all of you will resonate with what I am thinking or experiencing.

xx

So much of what you are all experiencing resonates with me. My son and daughter have no idea; David was their stepdad, and although they loved him it's not like losing a parent. They see me every few months and they see me looking ok and they choose to believe I am ok. My stepdaughters understand more, but they have busy family lives and I don't see much of them. I feel like a social pariah, not included in anything any more. I wish I felt brave enough to join something or go places alone, but my confidence is in tatters. I hide indoors and fill my time with rubbish tv and the radio. One day we will all find a way through; I do try to believe that is true. In the meantime I am so thankful for all the honesty and support here x

Oh Thank You Spirit!  Glad to know its not just me thinking as I do. I like to hide away indoors too and fill my time with rubbish TV or a movie or something. Not so much the radio just my Alexa or ipod and more or less just sit daydreaming of what could have been were Jay still here. Yes I like to think that too that we will all find a way out of this black hole we all seem to be in. Jay was my `crutch` my support someone to hide behind and my confidence is non existent now just like you but it is amazing the things we have to do when we have to and at times I have amazed myself when I have tackled something on my own and it has all worked out ok. As my late dad used to say to me `in life you do what you have to do` and he was right. I'm glad I have here to come to too when I feel overwhelmed. I send you all huge hugs. Take Care. 

Vicky x