Advice please

I'm trying my best but the feelings of hopelessness and loneliness are just overwhelming. Everyone seems to be going on holiday or planning things and I feel I'm stagnating. Each day is just one more day I've struggled through, I'm not looking forward to anything at all. I can't be bothered to do things around the house, why bother when nobody else notices? I don't want to be like this, I'm on anti depressants but don't think they're helping. I wish I could see some light at the end of this dark tunnel.

I am sorry you are feeling like this It does sound like you really aren’t doing well - I still have all my young adult children at home so we basically have to carry on living for each other and it helps a lot.  I really don’t know what to say - do you have someone you trust you can reach out to I know how lonely I feel despite being surrounded by people. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through it so physically and mentally draining so I understand your struggle - I do hope things improve maybe speak to your gp about your meds if you feel they aren’t helping - unfortunately there is not a lot of option but to plough through it until we get to something different when life is getting overwhelming I hope you feel better soon and know you are not alone x

I do get that Spirit. I know exactly what you mean about stagnating. And yes I too see people getting on and doing things, planning things, holidays etc and as you say each day can be a struggle for us.  So much I want to do too but still some days just do not have the incentive to do it. I hate feeling this way too

Vicky x

Hi spiritinthesky.

 It's 18 months for me today.  A few weeks ago I  felt like I had turned the corner. Then bang I feel like I've gone backwards. 

 I think it's part of grief, steps forward then backwards. We are still grieving and we have to accept it.  It's hard, I think when we go backwards we feel worse,because we think we should be moving forward. All we can do is to try and keep going.  We have to remember we went forward to go backwards,  we will go forward again. 

Take care. 

Evening Spirit, I read your post and can really relate to it. 

My closest friends live in different places mainly in the South and my family ten minutes up the road but I don't really see them and at times we are on different planets! They are busy with their lives, going out, going on holiday living their lives like they should. I really just put on a front, go to work and that's it. Sadly, before I couldn't wait to be off with my Partner Roger, but now I just want to be out of the house and would rather work. Yesterday I had a day off, went to the cemetery, shed a load of tears for Roger and then my late Parents, I was depressed all day. Later I sat in the garden crying again, when a little robin appeared just looking at me for ages, then a wonderful butterfly was flying round me. I don't know what to make of it, but when I am at my lowest, things seem to happen, for example my washing machine is not working properly, then my oven bulb blew, little things that are a distraction. I like to think that Roger is looking down on me and having a joke. The worst was having a leak in the conservatory that ended up being four leaks last November!

A few months ago, I went round the house listing all the jobs that I had neglected and that has been my focus. I'm like Insanity Kate and just 'Go with it` the grief does need to come out, you can keep busy but you can't avoid it. Today, I'm a bit better, but this week will be hard as it would have been Roger's 66th birthday on Friday, but tomorrow is another day. Our Son goes to work and is out and about all the time. I try and shield him from my grief with great difficulty at times but I feel I must be strong for us both.

Just to add, I work in Libraries and we have some wonderful groups, knit and natter, book groups, scrabble club to name but a few. Once a month we have Crafternoon on a Saturday, all things craft. I also work with a lot of Volunteers and they find it rewarding. My plan is to do more things that I love, like Art and crafts, music and dance. Then I feel guilty for wanting to do that..... so many emotions.

Sorry for waffling on, but unless you're going through it nobody really understands, only on here.

You are not alone, sending a big virtual hug x

What do we do when it gets too much? We are all different and have to try and get through in out own way. My husband was a poet (hopefully moving towards publication which is my coping mechanism). I turn to the words he left behind and, if you'll indulge me, share one of his simple poems written during his last bout of cancer. Hope it helps:

The waking heart

Rushing one morning
for no reason
other than muddle,
you told me to stand
still and wait for the wind
to settle down: ‘Listen
closely’, you whisper ‘count
every second together,
then every second apart,
careful to nurture
the waking heart.

You are right that nobody understands, and in my experience they don't even want to try. I feel discarded by almost everyone, family and friends; they want to enjoy life, and an unhappy widow isn't any fun to be around. I'm hurt by the lack of concern or care my family shows me. Nobody sees just how desperately lonely I really am, or cares enough to ask. 

Yes, it's true ..nobody wants to be dragged down by our sadness. But how can we just forget and move on? It's not that simple. Our Hearts are completely shattered by this our greatest loss. We are certainly not enjoying feeling this down. \we have no choice but to sit tight and go through the tides of grief when they come , even if we try we cannot avoid the, they will wait for us. I too seem to be going backwards. 

A beautiful poem, The connection with our hearts and the beauty of nature. My husband Paul in his last few months, spent a lot of time appreciating nature. Every tiny detail of a flower, the way butterflies moved, and the wind gently blowing through the trees. He told me, he saw everything in tiny detail. We knew he didn’t have long, and time was precious. How I cherish that time together. 

I was with my little granddaughters this morning for a few hours. My daughter in law has returned to work after maternity leave and it was just a joy to be with them the youngest one is 9 months and more or less on her feet she can pull herself up and crawl but just not walking yet but that will come. The older one is such a joy and only too eager to help with looking after her little sister she is growing so fast and goes into primary two at school next month (August- Scottish schools return). Got me out of the house for a couple of hours but it's just so sad that Jay is not here to see all this and what he would have made of his little granddaughters he'd be revelling in the childcare and looking after them and being a `big kid` with them all over again. I know he will be watching from somewhere though. My daughter in law is so thankful for the help so good to know I am being useful. 

xx