Advice please

I'm glad that you are finding such Joy in your two little Grandaughters. They are delightful at that age . And you will be able to laugh with them. I understand how you feel ..thinking how much Jay would have loved to have been with them too. And yes that makes us very sad. My Hubby didn't have a great deal of patience with our sons , and not much better with his Grandchildren. But he was always so ill and in pain that I understood it was difficult for him when he felt rough . And couldn't really enjoy doing activities with them.   It will do you good to take them out and enjoy their company . So you aren't just "Useful " you are there to form a stronger relationship with them. I've just found out I'm going to be a Great grandma. And I hope my Grandaughter doesn't think I'm past it that I don't get to see and care for her 1st born. Already  they have a great Aunty and Great Uncle who have offered to look after the baby when my Grandaughter goes back to work after Maternity leave . She is intending taking the full amount entitled to maternity leave , So hopefully I will get to see them quite often. Have lots of fun xx

Grandchildren can be a grest source of joy; sadly I don't see mine very often as we live so far apart. I wish I could find some pleasure in something, but I feel I've slumped into a deeper lethargy lately. I'm tired all the time, can't be bothered to do much or go anywhere. When I go out I just want to come home, I feel unnerved and vulnerable and sometimes panicky. I've been taking Mirtazapine 15mg for about 3 months but I don't think they help, other than with sleep. I'd like to feel more in control and to do more than walk my dog and watch tv, but I just can't find any enthusiasm for life. People say  it's early days' but it's eight months and I feel less able to 'get on with things' than I did in the beginning. I'm tired of crying but I cry every day. I had hoped the summer weather would help but the heat seems to make me more tired. This is all such a hard slog isn't it? 

Yes, spirit, slog it is. 

The heat doesnt help if youre not a sun lover. Im often exhausted to even go out. Which means I spend even more time alone. Im only a bit longer in than you, and ive definitely found it tougher as time has gone by. I cry every day too. I had my first counselling today and I was crying even before I got there. Mainly because the taxi was 15 min late and I was agitated.

She thought that I am very hard on myself ( true) I need to give myself permission to grieve in my own way instead of feeling guilty that Im not doing what others/ society expects. Proobably truth in that too.

I am not keen on the heat, either. I get up at 5am and need a nap at 2pm for a couple of hours. Thank goodness for the fan I bought, at least I can sleep. I have been told by the GP that I am not very kind to myself. Perhaps, the expectation from society doesn’t help ? We are not allowed to express ourselves fully, as others can’t cope. This means internalisation, and suppressed pain. A difficult balance to manage. It will be 2 years on the 4th August, and I do feel my quality of life has improved at last. Sending hugs to all. xxx

I still have nights when I don't sleep well. I got to bed 1130pm-12.00am and some nights I just cannot switch off. It's usually if something has been really bugging me that day and I'm still thinking about it going to bed. I overthink too much as well just making sure that everyone else is ok before I am or constantly worrying about everyone else or worrying about what still needs done or things I havent done and worrying if they'll ever get done. Just the way the grieving mind works now I think.