New to this group after my husband died 21 May

I was a caregiver for a long time and like many of you my husband had other health issues before he was diagnosed with cancer. I reflect now that I got so used to him deteriorating that it was just normal and I must have  thought that could go on and on and we would be together. A very strange feeling. 

Me too. Both me and my Hubby expected he would improve a little and be able at least to go out for a short while . I think it was as much a shock to him as to me or we were just in denial. When someone is so ill for so long, How do we know that we have run out of time and nothing more can be done ? But nothing really prepares us for when it's our or their time to leave. It's certainly the worst thing that has happened to me in my Life ..and it hasn't been an easy one . But I still wish he was here by my side . I miss him so very much. 

I was very much in denial at the end when Jay was in his final days. Every day he seemed to `perk up` a bit gave me  a little bit of hope that he was getting better but then the next day he would be away as bad as ever again. I just did not want to believe it was happening and it was like looking on and watching it  happen to someone else. But you're right Breton you know the end is coming but nothing really prepares you for when it actually does happen

I thought I was improving a little after getting through all the firsts in April and May. Trying to focus on getting this house insulated for the coming Winter months. Arranging for 3 windows to be replaced.Then I need to insulate the loft . Trying to get the back "yard" converted to a garden for the dogs with a little tribute garden for My Hubby. But no ..it's caught up with me again and I'm having melt downs. Still the heavy burden of Guilt that I was shut down and didn't do enough to keep him here. I'm so angry with myself. Exactly like you say Patty , Feeling like it wasn't really happening. Seeming to lack emotion. Yet still caring and watching over him. Was I trying to protect him caring for him at home because he hated Hospitals. Could he still be here if I hadn't shut down? He pretended he was doing Ok. Why the hell couldn't he just tell me how bad he really felt ? I feel like I've just gone backwards . How long is it going to take before I can accept it wasn't my fault that he died this time after all the years and times I had helped him get better ...well as good as he could ever be ?? So many questions that I will never know the answer to.  

Yes Breton 

                                                                                                                                      I feel they are trying to `protect` you at the end in telling you they are ok but not really so to save you from having breakdowns and meltdowns. I felt that was the way it was with Jay. He never really spoke about how he was feeling although he knew he was dying and I think in the end he just accepted it. He didn't like the hospital either and did everything to try to keep from going in and at the end it was as if he was on a bungee rope and going in and out constantly between getting sepsis and his kidney problems. He used to say to me `don't phone anyone` if he was particularly bad  meaning he was refusing hospital care but of course I never listened to him. I remember one time when he ended up back in hospital and I was sitting at his bedside and he broke down in tears and said to me `please look after William` (our son) but that was something I was never in doubt about doing. Well done you for starting to sort of get things moving on the home front. Three years in and I'm still having to `think about it` although I did paint the fence in the back garden and the decking last year but the paint on the decking is lifting again so needs re doing.  Things like new windows etc are just a `pipedream` for the time being I would love to do all that but the funds are just not there for now. Maybe one day. 

xx