Just writing it all down.

Hi Lowe, yes I feel many of the things you mention. Its been 6 months for me, and I am still just putting one front of the other. Today is Tonys birthday so I wrote inside a big card for him. Yes it did help, many people have suggested journalling and yes I might give it a go.

We are many muddling through this together but feeling understood. 

Oh Malengwa 

I am glad you wrote the big birthday card, it is something I will be doing on Dal's birthday, I found suitable Xmas, Valentine's and Anniversary cards which I have already written to him, would have been our 35th anniversary last month, still was in my eyes.

I think writing may be a good thing, and Dal always wanted me to write a book about his cancer journey, not sure if that is something I will ever complete, but I may start it one day when my head is in a better place. 

Take care of you  x

Hi there, I have felt all of these emotions, and at times I thought that I might not get through it. When the pain gets really bad, I remind myself that the grief ebbs and flows, like the tide. I also vowed to my husband that, ‘I would not lose myself ‘. This has somehow given me the resolve to keep going. I promised to, ‘Guide and Protect’ our adult children, they need their mum. It is now 20 months, and the periods of time when I feel more peaceful are longer. The intensity has eased a little. It has truly been the most difficult experience of my life, and yet I still have love and hope in my life. Kate.xxx

Hi Kate

It is sometimes difficult to know how we get through each day, but yes, my adult children are my blessing and my Husband would only want the best for me, it is just now,  my responsibility to give it to myself, and live for both of us, carrying him within me and everything that I do. 

I am pleased to read that the peaceful times are longer for you, and that you still have love and hope in your life x 

Lowe'

Hello Lowe , You have set me off in tears again with what you wrote. Because it is exactly how I am feeling and have been since last May. I berate myself every day for what I should have ,could have done , should have said out loud etc. I think these sentiments are mostly felt by us all , and I often wish I could follow my Dear Brave Hubby. This loss leaves us feeling so absolutely desolate . I try not to put into words just how bad I feel as I don't want to bring others down any more than they obviously are already.          As you said ..I also never imagined grief could be so complex and Traumatic . It is overwhelming . I've cried as much with friends as they have when they've lost their Husbands /Partners . But I could only imagine how bad I would feel when / if it happened to me . I keep trying to tell myself that I was lucky to have my Husband for so long ,when there have been people who have died younger and left their Widows with young children to bring up alone .  Children who didn't even get to experience a long and happy life. But it's not helping as He suffered for such a long time and it was so cruel the pain he endured daily.Which meant we missed out on a lot .  Him more so really as he was limited to what he could do. And when I think of my Father who was a selfish and spiteful being hardly ailed anything  and lived to 93 years old . I think how is it fair .    Nobody is the same , we all have our own story . And so there is no definite time to grieve.     I've had a go at the Journalling , but I haven't wrote anything for a few weeks . Although I've probably written a lot on here. It takes a lot for me to go out that door every day. And I'm trying to concentrate on putting some colour back into this garden that had none. But I really don't feel anything gives me any Joy anymore .  I really wish my racing mind would give me some peace. I do hope your minds give you more peace than mine does me . 

I agree with you. Life is not fair. There are some really horrible people that seem to go on forever, and then there are our husband’s/partner’s, who are decent human beings. None of it makes sense. I am glad you have found this Forum, as at least, you are not on your own. Kate. xxx

Everything you feel mirrors my emotions exactly.  My husband passed around the same time as yours.  Everyday I wake up in disbelief that he’s gone.  It is a world I never imagined myself living.  I keep re-living memories of our life together, but also re-living the horrendous pain he endured in the last few months of his life.  How cancer robbed him of everything and our future together.  I have lots of friends and family, and I try to keep myself busy.  But the evenings are empty and lonely.  I oscillate between trying to live my life as best I can and not feel defeated by cancer, and then not seeing the point of anything when I don’t have anyone to share it with.  I feel unbearable sadness deep down inside, even though I look fine on the outside.  I can’t talk to friends as they have no concept of the depth of my loss or pain.  Meanwhile everyone is busy organising travel and activities with their husbands, and I feel a depth of envy that is unimaginably painful.  It’s comforting to know there is a community who understands and can share my grief.

Yes, it is comforting and gives me stability in a strange way. No one would choose to be on this path. There is an empathy, and compassion from people that truly understand. Friends try to be supportive, but until you have experienced this horror, it is just not possible. I cannot share any of the trauma with any of them. I don’t think they would be able to cope. Hugs to all. Kate.xxx

A strange way of feeling that at least someone else really understands how disconnected we feel with people around us . I don't feel I can talk to anyone about how empty I feel. I still feel like I'm going around in a daze. Having to really push myself to do anything more than a bit of cleaning. A lot of the Coaches say we aren't broken. ..Well I feel Broken. I have lost a half of me . I can't get that back ,no matter how much I wish I could go back to this time last year and do things differently and hope that the outcome would be different. Better . Just how are we supposed to get through this? I just go over and over the same things in my head . My Brain just can't accept that I did enough to stop him leaving me . 

We have a way, as human beings of trying to find reason in everything, but in reality, there is no reason why our other halves experienced the fight they did, but there is a reason why they would want the very best for us, and it is for us to now live for them, to find our new path and ensure that they walk it with us, in our hearts and minds as best we can.

Last night I watched "I Swear", it had me sobbing uncontrollably, maybe because that is something that I needed to do, release, rather than control when and how I show these emotions. But watching I swear, seeing what that guy puts up with throughout his life, helped me to realise just how fortunate I have been.  To find a love relationship as deep and meaningful as mine and Dal's and to be protected so fiercely is in itself a blessing. 

We are all finding our way through this darkness, and it may not seem like there is light at the end of the tunnel, but I am sure we will be guided by our loved ones if we continue to include them in everything we do.  I speak to Dal all day, everyday,  I say good morning and good night, I say "I Love You" and "I Miss You" several times every day, and I still feel as if my life is falling apart, but I will fight this, I will do everything in my Power to continue to make my Husband proud of me. 

I did everything I could at the time, and if hindsight wants to show me otherwise, so be it, because hindsight can be the biggest enemy. With all the stresses and strains, and sheer exhaustion that we experienced as Partners of those living with this terminal nightmare, we did everything in our power, and for me, near the end, Dal hid how bad he was feeling, I had trusted that he would share everything with me, but he must have felt that he did not want me to worry more than I already was, so, somehow, someway, we will all make it out of the other side of this, not by feeling less broken, or less sad, but by allowing this grief process to take its course whilst refusing to let it define us.  Dal was never defined by his cancer, he was the best of me, and I will get through this, and so will you xx