Joined Way up

I had a 4am wake up. I almost got up, but managed to go back. I struggled yesterday, as I had to go back to the hospital where we went for scans. I had a flashback of us walking along one of the corridors, holding hands. One of the consultants looked at us with compassion, and I knew then that it was terminal, even though we didn’t have the results. I hate cancer, it is a cruel, cruel disease. The dreams and flashbacks are continual at the moment. It makes it really difficult to get any mental stability. Anyway, at least my underactive thyroid is cancer free. I can just carry on suffering on my own for longer. Sorry, dark humour is all I have at the moment. Kate.xxx

I didn't get up. Just kept drifting off . That's something positive then Kate . So glad you don't have that to cope with. Doesn't medication help ? Have you looked at natural herbal remedies or such like ? My head is still all over the place and I'm lacking motivation despite being able to see things that really need sorting out. As its sunny again today I might try clear the garage a bit. At least I should be able to bring things out and tidy making it more accessible. Sounds like you are in the dark place Kate . Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Trying all sorts to try and climb out of this depression. I got that look from the Respiratory specialist we went to see last March ,hoping to get Oxygen for Hubby to use at home as and when he needed it. I said I had never seen him so bad with his Lungs and choking on his food . Often unable to breath ,but the nebulizer opened his airways . that consultant wouldn't even look at me ..He knew what was to come . At the time I just thought what an ignorant Git . Does he think I'm doing too much of the talking ? As Hubby didn't say much and he forgot his words , and never really complained. When we got the copy of the letter /notes he sent to the doctors to be put on his records ,he said he couldn't even hear his heart beat for the rattling and wheezing of his chest . He said see you in 5 months and gave him more tablets. Surely he could have suggested that my Hubby saw someone about his heart .        I think he knew he wouldn't be seeing him again . It was only weeks later that Hubby took a turn for the worst. I do really feel they let him down. And most of all I think I let him down too. 

Im glad you found your way to Way up. I listened to that podcast too, and thought yep. Yep, to everything she said. 

I ask a lot of what ifs too, especially about the long wait he had right at the beginning to get scan results, during which time this very aggressive cancer was growing. But I know I cant change it. I havent got angry yet, i dont know if I ever will or its to come!

I sometimes wonder about `what ifs` too. If I could go back almost 4 years and got a 2nd opinion at the time the oncologist said Jay didn't need any post chemo or radiotherapy after his operation in 2022 to make sure the cancer had gone maybe he might still be here but at the time you are so elated that they said its all gone and not giving a 2nd thought to it coming back which it unfortunately did 5 months later. But then you look to them as being the `experts` and everything they tell you is gospel but who knows if it was or wasn't in this case that I'll never know and too late to do anything about it now. 

It was similar for Tony. Major surgery early 2024, from shuch he nearly died after.  getting peneumonia in ICU, then back 6 months later after they assured us they got it all with a good margin. The surgeon said basically that this particular sarcoma likes to hide, but by that 6 months later, there were multiple tomours in lungs and liver, it was just so quick. I have to rationalise by saying he could have died in 2022 when he had an aortic dissection ( from which we were told 40% of people dont even make it to hospital), then discovering the sarcoma whilst checking his aorta as he had no symptoms, to nearly dying from surgery. That roller coaster has been so teaumatic, but I could have lost him a lot sooner. Maybe his luck just ran out.  

Breton, i have a lot of sorting to do but havent even started yet, I dont think Im ready. He was always untidy and I cant find anything in his shed, I am forever saying Tonys got one of those....somewhere. likewise his clothes stay in his wardrobe, Im not ready for that yet either. 

It has ended up a decent day. Our daughter and I went to Petworth House, which is about 45 minutes away. We walked for about an hour and a half through the grounds. (I am surprised I could do it). We do the National Trust quite a bit. It only costs £6.00 per month. Thank you for your support today. I think it was easier, as I hadn’t been there with my Paul. Kate.xxx

My dear Hubby was the tidy and more organised one . He only had the necessary things . Unlike me. My Husband had an enlarged Aorta  and  Arterial Fibulation. What I don't understand is why they could not do something to improve this condition.   I'm just listening to Krista St Germaine . I really recommend her podcasts. This one is What Not to say to a Widow ( and what to say ) It's very good . Worth a watch . Check it out on You tube. And she has done so many others .  By the way , I haven't got the hang of commenting on Way up. It's not as straight forward as this forum.  

So good to read you had a good day today with your daughter . I think it's better to go somewhere you haven't been before . It's so upsetting to revisit somewhere you have been with your loved one . A good walk is good for you . The weather has been lovely today . We need to get outdoors . 

I do think we believe the Doctors know more than us . We live with them and sometimes intuition tells you that somethings aren't right. And I questioned myself . I just wish I had more confidence in my thoughts . I am either too impulsive or don't do the right thing at the right time. Np confidence in myself . I think sometimes The Doctors / consultants don't always get it right. i really don't have the confidence in them anymore . And I hope I will learn to question them more if need be again. Same ..its too late now to do anything about it . And I  yearn to go back to a time where I could have changed the outcome by making different decisions . 

You will figure Way up, at the home page theres a lots of forums, the top one is welcome so go there and you will see nwar the top New topic, its blue on my phone and it opens up like this one if you fancy saying hello.

I will look up Krusta st Germaine, im sure we coild all have our own version of what not to say. 

You are right about doctors too. Tonys cancer was very rare ( 1% of 1% of all cancers)so even the specialists may never have seen one before, so they dont always know, they are often experimenting and lets try this or that.