Photos

It is interesting that you are mentioning photos, as I have been thinking about this myself. It is now 18 months without my darling Paul. My thought process was, if I don’t have a photo out, (to reduce the pain), then it doesn’t feel right. However, the pain can be horrendous. It is particularly hard at night, as I have a photo of us together in The West Country on my bedside table. We look so happy, before the horror. I can’t remove it, as it is part of who I am, and who we were together. It has got easier overall, but there are times where I just cry myself to sleep. You could always try moving some of the photos to a smaller area, so that you are able to have a mimi break. It still feels surreal at times, but not often. I am sending huge hugs, as you need them. Kate. xxx

I think I'm better able to grieve the person who was so ill and so devastated by the cancer, it's much harder to grieve the version of him in those photos when he looked well and  happy. Before the funeral I looked at dozens of photos to prepare a slideshow and I was ok doing that; it seems much more painful seeing them now. 

I suppose there is no normal in all this. We are each coping in our own way. Thankyou for your response Kate, it helps me a lot coming here. Sending hugs back to you xx

Hi.

Im ok with photos, Tony didnt really like having his photo taken and the more recent ones, you can really see how weak he was. I want to get a large one on the wall to sit next to the one I have of my mum but havent decided which one yet. 

Yes some photos from happier days make me cry but they do bring back happy memories which give me comfort.

Whether it gets easier, I dont know because Im just 4 months in, myself, its no time at all. After my mum died, I made a photo book of her life and found it really cathartic, but it was about 3 years after she died. I want to do the same for my husband but Im not ready yet. Besides there are very few photos of his childhood. 

I dont think there is any normal in what we are feeling. I am learning to just go with it, whatever it is. What do you feel is right for you with the photos? If its too painful, then can you put them somewhere safe until you are ready?  Or maybe keep a few of those around that you can cope with.

Big hug coming your way.

• I remember being the same after my mum died, not wanting to look at photos of her for a few months. I think with David it's like losing him twice, the frail sick man he had become and the strong smiley man he used to be. I don't know what I mean really. I struggled with having his ashes at first. Perhaps part of me isn't ready to accept the finality of this yet? I'll leave the photos out, I think, but try not to look at them unless it feels ok. None of this seems to make much sense. I keep reading 'self help' books about grief and loss but I'm not sure they are helping. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts. Hugs back to you Malengwa xx

Yes, I get it. I think our minds have so much to process, and it takes time to make sense of it all. Kate. Xxx

Photos are strange, I like looking at them. Remembering when Sue was strong. I have Photos from Holly Island are last wedding anniversary and Sue is so weak, I don't know how she did it. They make me cry. I have Photos up and they can make me smile or cry 54 weeks  on. I just like seeing that smile and how she looks at me. It is the one's which I forgot that get me more.

Take care. 

I have photos of Jay up on my livingroom wall with our son William. Its like a through the ages thing there is one with Jay and William when William was just born in the hospital and Jay is holding him right through until William turned 21 and had a picture taken with his dad. I also have the photo of our wedding day and one with just Jay himself at a family wedding somewhere. They sit either side of his urn  on top of a cupboard where I still keep his ashes. I also still have a photo of him in his coffin yes I know that may sound creepy to some and I used to think that too but he just looked so peaceful there and free of  all the pain and anguish cancer put him through and it was just one last picture I wanted of him to keep on my phone and just for me to look at now and again. But this I think is a thing of choice and each to their own on how they feel about it. You just do what feels right for you. 

xx

I resonate with you saying ' none of this makes much sense'. Bang on, it doesnt does it? Sometimes I think thats why its so hard for us to process. Yes Im not sure self help books would help me as I think I would always think Im failing. If they are not helping, can you put them away? For now at least. 

You are not failing. The fact that you are getting out of bed every day, (maybe not every day)  means something. It takes courage to carry on. Only we understand this. It is devastating, and we all go at our own pace. Kate. xxx

Thanks Kate, a nurse at the hospice ( I still go for coffee mornings) , said Im too harsh on myself. I had a little unexpected panic attack when someone came in with 2 dogs. I am scared of dogs but never reacted quite that badly before. 

I do get out of bed every day. I have gone back to work, although its not going well, i have single handedly done 80% of the admin and paperwork. 

Bit of a rubbish day again x