1 year

I spent New Years Eve just me and my beautiful Valen. 
Last year I went to our local cafes bash and spent most of it glass washing. Which worked then. 
This year I couldn’t bear the thought of being amidst people being jolly and “Happy New Yearing”, so despite being invited didn’t go. 
New Years Day, went for my normal walk and bumped into a couple we know but would put call them friends. 
She said “So is your New Year’s resolution to move on at last?” 

I just stared at her, turned around and walked away. Insensitive cow. 
It’s only been 15 months. 

But I am learning to balance things out. I can also say that our cafe friends all messaged me over the last few days asking if I want anything, do I want company or be left alone, mentioning Valen by name, and I am so grateful that not one said Happy New Year. X

Some people just dont get it and think they have all the answers. Ive had a few people say i hope this year is better. How can it be? Im going into my first year without by soul mate. In what way can that possibly be better? I know they mean well. 

Ive been alone since boxing day with the most awful cold or flu that is leaving my joints in such pain. Its been tough. I have been going to bed not caring if I wake up. Thats just not like me really. 

You are run down emotionally and physically. If you can, try to just rest, sleep, eat small amounts and hydrate.Is there anyone that can check on you ? You are going through a truly horrendous time, and it can help to have a bit of support. I am sending huge hugs. Kate. Xxx

It's so hard to hear all the 'happy New years' and 'what are you going to do in the new year ' .. I'm in a chat with the girls at work who gave all been amazing, kept in touch through it all and sent hugs and love when they can.  But I hear all the chat of new year and I just can't bring myself to get involved.   I can't see how I can manage work again. Nick helped me so much with everything, such a huge encouragement to me.  Was always there if I needed him.  What am I going to do now.  The thought makes me cry.

It's the having your world torn apart, a new year is just making it all worse.  I don't understand people that make it all worse again by what they say.  They must realise.

Malengwa for your flu make sure you're getting lots of water, something hot like lemon tea and some paracetamol for the pain.  Sending big hugs.  

My darling Paul was also my soulmate, and I could talk anything through with him. It is incredibly difficult to adapt to the reality. It is now 17 months for me, I don’t feel lonely, I feel alone. The loss of that special person, the responsibility for everything. I work very hard on taking one day at a time, and keep refocusing. At my worse times, I retreat and accept the pain. This is happening less often, which gives me hope. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

I have that alot , you won't be on your own forever, you will find someone   , and my lovely friend who I know means well says she thinks if I get in with someone else I won't love them like I do Stu. I've got no love for anyone apart from him , you can't just switch it off plus I knew he was my soulmate,  intense love, I can remember in covid I'd go for a walk listening to music and if a sad song came on I would start crying thinking I couldn't be without stu and that was years since all this started. Honestly don't know how I've got through the last year x

Exactly Kate, I am not lonely as I have some amazing friends. 
My sister and I have become so much closer and friends. She is 8 years older than me and we were always butting heads when younger. We now see each other at least once a week for a walk and lunch. 
But I am very much alone. Sometimes I am glad of that, just me and my beautiful Valen. Other times it’s unbearable, and as you say, I retreat.

Today I went on my usual Sunday walk along the prom, got a coffee and sat watching and listening to the waves in the sunshine. Tears came as it’s just the kind of cold but sunny day Valen loves. An older gentleman passed me, paused, came back and handed me a tissue, all without a word. Gentle, quite kindness from a stranger.

Yes, I also have a close friend Rosie who I see regularly. We went to the same St Barnabas Bereavement Group and we can be ourselves. Today, I have felt upset and needed to cry. Our son sat and listened without judgement. He is a friend as well. It was simply that I was missing my husband, and the pain was intense. That older gentleman reminds me of my Paul. He always carried two ironed handkerchiefs. One for First Aid, and the other for a lady in distress. He is buried with them, in each pocket of his jeans. Kate. Xxx

Oh Kate, your Paul sounds wonderful! 
Valen always had some dog treats in his pockets. We were going to get a dog when he retired, but of course that never happened. 
When we went for walks in the woods he always had some bird seed. 
When we went out for a meal he always had some fresh and dried chillis

I put some of each in his pockets when he was cremated, so he’d never be without.

That made me smile. Tony carried his Swiss army knife everywhere, and would whip it out to repair things, even in supermarkets or restaurants.. i hate to think what Health and Safety may have said. We didnt cremate him with it, we still have it as its a source of so many memories.