OK, I am now just over 10 months on this crap path.
Still trying to navigate it, still struggling if I'm honest. I don't cry as much. I still cry everyday, morning still are hard. Sleep still over the place. I still volunteer but like everything it's hit or miss. Tried indoor bowling don't think it's for me. Lost most ( if not all) of my friends. I go to bereavement coffee morning. At 57 finding it hard to find people my own age or my new tribe, I don't have the confidence in myself or other people.
I am not suicidal, but my hope is I will catch up with my wife. I see or read other people moving on better than me, which puts me in a spin. Then I have to remember we are all different and handle grief differently, there is no wrong or right way. I am so lost at the moment, but that's naturally. I'm sorry about the ramble I was hoping writing this might help.
Yes, the feeling of being alone is horrendous, and I am sorry you are in this terrible pain. The feeling of guilt is a complex one. In my situation, I remember shrieking like a fish wife at him, to please go to the bloody doctor’s. He wouldn’t go for three months, and we had the most horrendous rows about it. He insisted it was Long Covid, but my instinct’s told me it was not. I also felt guilt that I wasn’t there when he died. I had stayed over night the previous night at the hospice, and needed to go home and shower. I specifically asked them to contact me, if his condition changed. They didn’t, I had a phone call instead. I felt terrible, as I hadn’t been there at that moment. Apparently, it is quite common for that to happen. To balance things, I know in my heart that I gave everything I had, in caring, loving, supporting him. I had no more to give, and I was totally exhausted. I am sure you did, too. It was our Wedding Anniversary today, it would have been 37 years married. I had planned to take a flower arrangement to where my darling is buried. Instead, the washing machine started smelling of burning. So, I have spent the day arranging for a new one to be delivered, the old collected and disposed of. What a bizarre day ! 
Sending hugs to all, Kate. Xxx
Thanks for your reply Kate, yes the guilt thing is hard to navigate as he is not here to say, ‘stop over thinking’ something he was always telling me off for. I was with Andrew everyday for the last two weeks as he had a back pain & diarrhoea, it took its toll mentally & physically for both of us but the night before he passed he said he wanted to go & see his Mum, a 150 mile road trip, I was so happy that he felt able to go out at last, I left him in the morning for a couple of hours, he was sat up on the sofa when I left & when I got back he had passed away asleep on the toilet bless him, I could see he had tried to get up, I think his back pain was probably a tumour, luckily he was mobile until the end as that was his worse fear, lying in bed, dying, full of drugs. He went out the way he would have wanted to but the guilt of leaving him is so awful. I certainly did give him my everything & would do it again. We had a crazy, wonderful life & I miss it so very much.
Maybe the broken machine was to take your mind off the day. Strange how things are sometimes 
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