One of those Days.

I like that one.

when I'm on the tennis court hitting the balls I feel a little better as I'm the one hitting them if I'm lucky. I see them coming and hopefully return them and a bit of exercise too.

Today though a crappy day lost some papers I could do with I put them somewhere safe and I can't find them! 

That’s a brilliant analogy, and completely true. I managed to “Dodge them”, yesterday. We all went to a BBQ at close friends. I made cocktails for several hours, that helped a lot.  Kate. Xxx

Ah that sounds like me. Use a couple of Jay's T shirts for PJ tops (big n baggy) and I wear his baseball cap going to the gym (there is quite a collection) and take his small `sweat towel` to the gym with me- when I go. Some of his stuff I still won't get rid of still in drawers. I take both my dad and Jay with me when out and about. I have a small passport size picture of my dad in my phone cover and Jay is round my neck and on my wrist ( wear his bangle and rope bracelet) so they are always with me. 

xx

Hi Insanity Kate,

like you I today have had a ‘sobbing Day’ , a month to the date I lost my darling David and I can’t get it out of my mind, he woke up feeling ok, went to Christie’s for his bloods on the 18/7ready for chemo on the 21/7.came home, rest for an afternoon nap but then got up not feeling great and it just spiralled from there then he lost the fight 19/7 in such a traumatic way and I am still reeling from it. We have 3 wonderful grown up sons who are doing their best to do comfort me but I miss him so much. It’s very early days I know but I feel I can come onto this site, express my mood and feelings  without someone saying to me’ ‘ well you’ve just got to get on with it’  I want to say to them ‘if you had the love we had together you might think twice about your choice of words’ this group helps me to deal with things a little better.

Hi there, I am so sorry you are going through this hideous nightmare. It is truly shocking, and your emotions will be all over the place. My view was to just, “Go with it”.  There is the shock, pain, disbelief, exhaustion. On top of that, you have all the legal crap, trying to support your sons, running the house, supporting friends. On and on it goes. The hardest part, was feeling so alone. I was surrounded by friends who were trying to help, but they couldn’t get anywhere near me, emotionally. This is because we are also missing our beautiful men, and we want them back. I just wanted to be left alone, to sob and try and process the loss. Cruse Bereavement was helpful in explaining.“How the brain processes grief”. I needed to understand why I was feeling slightly “Unhinged”, at times. Apparently, our brains will only allow a certain amount of pain in at one time. It can’t cope with it all in one go, We wouldn’t mentally be able to cope. That means, you get the flashbacks, visions, nightmares. It is truly exhausting, trying to make sense of it all. I decided that as long as I did the legal stuff, had a home, had food, that was enough. The rest could wait. You get to decide. I am sending deep understanding and support. If you post, I will respond. Kate. Xxx

Hi Insanity Kate, thank for you reply and support it helps me to understand things more. I've woke up this morning feeling a little better than yesterday and as you know some days are better than others. My David loved gardening and being  in his garden so today i plan to, instead of moping around, tend his garden for him and i know he will be by my side  telling  me what needs doing and saying ‘no Anne thats not a weed, leave it be’. The sun is even breaking through the dull sky now so thats my cue to get cracking. 
Thank you once again.

Nature is a healing force, and I am pleased your David enjoyed his garden. I have just woken up from a four hour “Nap”. I still get surprised by the exhaustion.  Next, I shall crack on with the house. I hope you have a decent day. Kate.xxx

Hi, me again.

  This morning, I was giving the house a good clean, just in case even though I have not spoken to any family or friends for a while, so I know nobody is coming up this bank holiday weekend.  I just chucked my duster and polish down and started crying and swore, whats the point.  I did manage to finish it. It's 30 weeks tonight, 7 months on Monday, I know I am trying but sometimes the step back take it out of you.

Take care

Good evening It’s that dreaded Friday feeling even worse a Bank holiday too …you did well to finish your chores. I have found I’ve sworn a lot more I must admit only when alone which is most of the time! 

Went for my stroll just the one walk today after dinner was going to go before but I saw an annoying neighbour about three houses opposite was doing his car he doesn’t miss anything we used to call him neighbour hood watch so I waited till the coast was clear as I really can’t be bothered to speak to him. 

You think to yourself quite a nice evening actually for a stroll but nothing ever feels the same now like you you just ask yourself why do I bother, why am I doing this? It’s so lonely and quiet.

its 7.30pm been a long old day today. I haven’t really accomplished much apart from finishing my ironing but I know I’ve got a busy couple of days at work ahead. I’ll just go to bed soon which is crazy too.!!

I suppose one day we, will get used to walking alone. Just not yet, I know what you mean about going to bed early.

 I hope work is ok for you.