Looking for support from people who have lost their partner

Hello there,

I had my beautiful Valen ripped from my side 10 months ago. 
Though we knew he only had 3 to 6 months he was unexpectedly and traumatically taken just 4 weeks later. 
We have no children and he is now forever 56 years old. 
So my situation is slightly different.

But the evenings are also the time I really struggle with. 
During the daytime I am busy with working at our local fort and museum, or spending time with my elderly mum, or going for long walks, or going to  weekly classes or just plain old cleaning. 
When I eventually step foot over the threshold, and believe me it can take sometimes 2 hours of dithering to do so as I know what’s coming, after chatting to Valen I have to turn on the tv or radio. 
From that moment I have one on throughout the evening and when I eventually go to bed at 2 in the morning I put a podcast cycle on which is still playing whenever I wake up. 
I cannot bear this new silent silence. 
When I am awake in the early hours I come on here as there is always someone else also awake to talk to.

So please, talk to us as we are all in the same rocking, capsizing boat. 

Hi there, i don’t know the ages of people that post here, just that we are all suffering. Everyone’s situation is unique, and it is kind of a collective input. We just try and support each other through the pain. Bereavement Counselling was extremely helpful at three months, but it can only help to a certain degree. You will find lots of lovely, caring people here. Kate. Xxx

Sorry you find yourself in this club none of us wants to be in.

I was 44 when I lost my partner coming up to 3 years ago and don't have children, so not quite the same as yourself but happy to talk. 3 years, I can't quite believe it, certainly doesn't feel that long but on the other it seems an eternity since I last heard his voice. So im now bracing myself for the upcoming anniversary. He was first diagnosed 2019 with oesophagal cancer. 

As others have said, come here when you need to, we all understand  Go easy on yourself. I hope you and your daughter can find some comfort in each other. 

Take care

Hi you have  reached out already on here.  I can honestly say that this has helped me it’s 24 hours and you can come on here and talk about whatever you want get it off your chest at any time of the day or night. Quite reassuring. When our partners were here we would have them to talk to but definitely not in the middle of  the night he would tell me to shut up and go to sleep most nights. I could spend 24hours a day with him and still have stuff to talk about so life is so very difficult and different now. 

You are having to be ultra strong as you have a young daughter and I can only imagine that it’s so hard your probably prioritising her well being and not worrying about yourself whereas I now just have to sort myself out.  Everyone said be kind to yourself etc when my husband was alive etc , and now they say little steps,,,,,but it is true  I used to hate hearing that but it is true, I’m finding that as well so have done a few random things that I wouldn’t have done previously before he died. 

Our hospice offered bereavement Support and I have a regular call spend most of the 50 mins crying but take whatever is offered  for you and your daughter to get help. My hospice even have given me some complimentary treatment aromatherapy massage so this was also something I would not have done but it was needed and I did unwind. 

Sometimes I’ve want to just talk or things have really got to me I’ve looked at other helplines and tried calling to find no answer or that they are shut between the hours of …..or open from ….and I think god I need to speak to speak to someone what do I do?

12 weeks yesterday for me and over those last weeks I have had to learn a lot and I’m still learning about grief and the unfortunate new path we all have to take.  Some posts make me smile, some make me cry too but we are all in this together.

Some weeks ago I went to a bereavement coffee event it just wasn’t for me but I’m not really social person wanting to sit and have coffee , there were only a few older women. I went and learnt from it that its probably not for me but I was sent yesterday a whole new list of events and things that may be suitable from the organisers one day when I’m ready to put myself through it again. 

I am so sorry you are now on this path. 

I lost my wife just over 6 months ago, I am older then you in my fifties. It is hard when you are on your own,and it's still very early for you. I know you are looking after your daughter, but are you also looking after yourself  ? I know it's hard but you have to eat,drink and try and sleep. Your motivation will be low, you have just lost your wife,do not beat yourself up. Take care and please look after yourself. Rant or ramble on here as much as you like. I am afraid we know what you are going through. 

 How has your day been ? Lots of gardening for me. Hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

So,so. On Monday I volunteered at a cancer shop in town. Not the one Sue worked in,I could not do that. Just did a trial session, got home made myself a hot drink and burst into tears. Will go back next Monday, they knew Sue. I just feel like I have to try and find the new me,but like everyone else I want to be the old me with my partner. 

You don’t need to rush, it can’t be rushed. Also, you will try things that don’t work for you. It doesn’t matter. If it helps a little bit on that particular day, that is fine. Anything that gives you a tiny break from the pain. I still cry myself to sleep most nights, I can’t help it. I just miss my darling so much. The truth is, I would still rather feel what I do, rather than never having  experienced that deep love. As you know, it is a double edged sword. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

WELL DONE that’s very brave and bold to do that and I hope it will get better for you next week.  I bet you never thought you’d be doing that ? 

And well said I want the old me back. 

The new me right now is I’m afraid on the bed with a cuppa tea catching up on emails etc and phone calls that I’ve been avoiding.  Two bits of fruit don’t want anything to eat. I except I will stay here now.  I am tired …Also trying to get my head round my biopsy results from last week I am on a total of 27 pills a day 12 of which are steroids at the moment which I can reduce once there is an improvement In my readings this is a lot to deal with on my own now just adds extra stresses. 

I put on the strong front early on this morning as I was with family for lunch then this afternoon it slowly disappeared and I showed my grief. What annoys me is they said she’s seems quite strong seems to be doing ok …!!!!  SAY NO MORE 

x

Last 3 days I have been helping at our cafe laying new flooring, varnishing, moving furniture and cleaning. 
During a pause today I said “Valen would so love this, he would be in his element”. 
One of them replied “I’m so glad you said that. I’ve been thinking it since day 1”. 
Another said “If he was here there certainly wouldn’t have been a constant stream of Where’s my tape measure. Where’s my drill. Who’s got my pencil. He would have lined everything up in place and lay his hands on anything”.

Its true. He would have smoothed over the little disagreements. Come up with solutions. Darted off to get some sealant. 

They have his picture on the wall and today they moved him to a lovely spot behind the counter so he is looking out over the cafe. 
I was fine last 2 days, but tonight I have been crying. Knowing how much our friends are grieving for him.  
But so so very pleased that they are willing to talk about him with me.