Flashbacks

I do sometimes have to remind myself that she is grieving badly as well. 
I find I can be very impatient with people now and my poor mum is somewhat hard of hearing and slow so sometimes I get frustrated with her. 
Which is horrible of me, but I do recognise when I am and then make things as better as I can.  
She says things like “look at me. Old, useless woman with nothing left to give. And Valen, so kind and helpful to everyone and so much more to give. It’s wrong I’m here and he isn’t”. 
God forgive me, but when she first started saying this I agreed. 
Now of course, my anger is redirected and I can’t tell her with honesty and love that I need her now as my mother more than I ever have. And this does console her. 

We have all felt things that we are not proud of. One of my husband’s ’drinking mates’, sent my husband a picture of a coffin about a month before he died. It really upset my husband, (unsurprisingly). It was on their football, banter group, and he came off after that. At that time, I wished that he had cancer and not my darling. This so called ‘friend”couldn’t make it to the funeral, as he had workman in for the day doing his patio.Too funny. Kate. Xxx

How utterly callous of the so called friend. Maybe he was trying to be funny but some things just aren't. It's no wonder you had the thoughts you did. I wished the same for my previous manager after I was treated so appallingly after I lost my love and before.

Also my cousin who I was previously close to didn't attend the funeral as she had to take her daughter to gymnastics! Go figure. All these people I went out of my way for before haven't shown up for me so now I'm done with them all.

You're right we've all thought horrible things because we've been hurting x