I’ve had enough

It’s a full moon

Thank you Vicky for those very kind words. Xx

Feeling this strongly, I've just had enough.

Don't know why I'm writing it, to get it off my chest perhaps.

I don't think Jay would have survived if it were me that went first (god forbid). He always referred to me as the `brains of our outfit` because he said I was very clever at solving things etc even though I doubted myself a lot. We worked together as a team you could say. I saw to the `theory` side of everything and he was the `practical` side doing things, and mending things and now I have to do it all on my own and at times its `f***in` hard. Always wondering if I am doing the right thing or just hoping things will turn out for the best. Simple little DIY tasks where he would have seen to that have worked for me but its the big things I find hard to tackle. Yes I just constantly feel hopeless and worthless now but as you say PTP we carry on regardless. Take Care. 

Vicky 

My beautiful Valen was the fixer and mender of our outfit. 
The results may not have looked pretty - gaffer taping the washing line prop (but its held for over 2 yrs!), canes and lashings of twine to hold the hanging baskets stand together (ditto) - but he was good at solutions. 
I was his gopher - holding ladders, spanner’s, nails. And oh how I loved it!

With the help of some friends I’ve put together 2 flat pack stands and painted the shed inside and out to make an outdoors room.

Ive bought a new car (we were about to do so when he was taken), got new household and car insurance and changed broadband. 
It’s been painful, frustrating, sad, hateful and impressive that I have been able to do so many things I would never have thought this time last year that I would have to do myself.

I don’t want to have to do these things myself, but we have to now. 
I kinda feel guilty that I have been able to. 
Does that make sense?

Makes perfect sense MrsVT. I too have quite impressed myself that I have done things Jay used to do. Oh my! I laughed when you mentioned gaffer tape that was usually Jay's answer to everything as well. Must be a thing with men. I can hear him now `a wee bit o gaffer tape will solve that`. He too did some DIY things `in a fashion` would maybe put something together upside down just so it would fit that kind of thing and it would drive me nuts. Built our garden fence and it has  witheld any adverse weather gale force winds etc since (touch wood) and built the decking area in our backgarden too along with a joiner friend of his. I painted that decking earlier this year but must admit that too is `in a fashion` it's not great in places but the paint covers a multitude of sins. Painted the fence last year as well took me two and half days to do that as did the decking but because the paint is water based some of the paint on the fence is beginning to wear off again because we get so much rain in Scotland. but it does for now. Thinking about painting in here but so far that is as far as that has got just thinking about it. I may tackle it some day if my painting skills improve at least with outside you don't have to really look at it everyday. No I'm sometimes quite proud of what I have achieved so far without him and hopefully he is somewhere approving also. Its a lovely sunny day in Glasgow today and I'm sitting inside. Usually I would be out as Jay would have called it `getting some rays` but really just can't be bothered. One of my fk it! days I think. Take Care. 

Vicky xx