Completely heartbroken

To be fair, it was partly my fault. I had been up at 4 am that morning. For some reason, I decided to cut eighty fresh roses on the morning. Cream, pink and red in a heart shaped basket. Friend’s could say goodbye with a rose, if they wanted to. That meant after the funeral, I just wanted to have a glass of wine in the pub garden. Friend’s kept coming over saying< “You must eat”. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to chill. I went home at 4pm, completely exhausted. My responsibilities fulfilled. Kate. Xxx

Valen was, and will forever be, 56. 
He said a few weeks before he was taken that he was so sad that we wouldn’t have the retirement we planned together.

Ive said in another thread that my soon to be 90 year old mum became quite depressed saying that it wasn’t right that she was still here with nothing left to offer while Valen, who helped so many and had so much more to give, was not. 
And as I’ve said before - god help me, in those first few weeks I agreed with her. 
But I am over that and tell her she is here to help me now more than I have ever needed her.

But that doesn’t stop me being resentful of, for example; a friend of ours given the all clear 6 months ago who is doing nothing with his life except moaning about his wife. Or another friend who had heart stents fitted and is now back smoking.

Or the 76yr old neighbour who has said more than a couple of times “at least he won’t have to go through all the aches and pains us oldies get”. 
Insensitive cow.

Honestly, the things people say. Talk about insensitive. I think the worse has been, “Well, you can meet someone new, now”, or “You are in a strange place, I feel bad for you”.I have let those “friend’s” go. No regrets, either. They have tried to get in touch, but I have ignored them. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. Kate. Xxx 

I do think people say stupid stuff because they are trotting out clichés or don't know what to say. We might seem ok so they believe we are. A wise friend said to me I can't begin to think how awful this is for you. And that loss is always going to be there. It's not easy to hear but it is strangely  comforting  in the sense that it's true, and he  was acknowledging the hell I'm going through.

The one that gets me is - you've got lovely memories.  Yes that may be true but I want him here with me, not memories. I realised why this wound me up so much. If I'd lost both my legs I'm sure nobody would be crass enough to say well you have lovely memories of walking in the forest!