Completely heartbroken

You are so welcome. I had really bad night, couldn’t sleep, cried, couldn’t breathe and had to really draw deep. I asked Andy to help and took deep breathes and when he was scared during the night, we would hold hands, breathe together and talk about our love bubble. I remember and feel our love bubble but also accept that there are still moments of despair and loneliness but the sun still rise and he tells me I have to go and see it. I know that with this forum, people will nod and understand and this gives great help.

I've had a bad day panicking about Andy's funeral next week. He deserves a lovely tribute but at the same time it's stressful. I know in a strange sense it will be special and good but part of me wants it over. But when it is over, will i feel even worse. I guess I should try not to overthink and takeveach day one at a time. Sitting and writing our tribute to him today...I could hardly believe I was doing it. I've cried a lot and then visited our longtime friend who is taking the service for us. That helped to restore a bit of calm. I don't think I'm miserable by nature and I hate that I'm forced to be, because of this nightmare into which I've been forced. I want my lovely Andy back.

My beautiful Valen’s day was full of tears, laughter, tears and love. 
The weirdest day of my life. Desperately sad. Incredibly moving. 

Being totally honest with you - seeing his coffin come into the church, carried by his dad, 2 brothers, sister and my 2 brothers, tore me apart. 
I couldn’t look over at him.  I got it together enough to read my eulogy, with my best friend standing next to me to take over when I broke.  
I ended it with saying I was so incredibly honoured that he had chosen me, out of the world to choose from, to spend his life with. 
Then it was even worse at the crem. Knowing where the coffin was ending. The final song (A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, Valen’s choice). 
It was the very real finality.

But the celebration of his life afterwards was so lovely. 
His friends making impromptu toasts and making us all laugh. 
Learning things about him. Hearing stories about his time before me. 
It was a real celebration. 

The only blight was when I was asked if I had a drink. 
Without thinking I gestured to the bar and said “It’s OK, Valen will get me one”. 
Thank god I was surrounded by family and friends.

The day went off exactly as Valen had planned (he organised 90% of it). I am so glad I was able to carry out his wishes. 
I had to take many, many deep, steadying breaths. Lean, literally on those around me.  
I just let myself go with the flow. Whether tears or smiles. Howls or laughs. 
And boy did I sleep well, eventually, as was totally drained. 

This was my experience. But everyone’s is different, despite us all having to go through the same trauma.

All I can say is that I hope you get through the day with tears, smiles and love as I did xx

Thank you for sharing that. We have a beautiful service planned and special flowers to help me through the coffin part... Andy was a musician and planned all the hymns and music. 

Well done for reading the  eulogy. Your husband would have been so proud of you. I plan to do the same, with our sons too. I told Andy I would try to do it with them and he was pleased about that. I know he'd understand if I hsve to pass it back to the minister especially as he's a good friend. 

It is a comfort to know I'm not alone. So many of us going through it. I saw a lady swimming in the sea alone and I wondered if she was alone.

I also find myself out and about thinking those people all around me don't know I've lost my husband, the love of my life. They don't know how I looked after him through his illness. They have no clue that my head is all over the place. 

When I’m out for my daily walk or sitting with a coffee on the prom, I often catch myself looking at singletons and wondering if they have lost their soulmates. 
Funny, I don’t do it consciously. I don’t deliberately intend to.  
But I do it.  
Has she, has he. Do they have that sadness about them. Are they going home to an empty silent house. 

I had someone walk past me and say Cheer up love it might never happen. 
They weren’t to know that it has happened. 
But I was in my cocoon of solitude and quietness, having let the sound of the waves calm me and just let it go over my head.

I am so sorry you are going through this pain. My husband Paul’s funeral was just over a year ago, and I remember feeling the same. I visited the church before with our adult children. This was to familiarise myself with the area he would be buried in. It was a humanitarian service, outside. The visit helped a lot, as I didn’t feel overwhelmed on the day, and was able to do the “Meet and Greet.” I also asked for our children to hold my hand during the service. They were amazing. We had the wake back at our local pub, where my darling’s best friend did a speech. It was actually a lovely day. Sending strength and hugs, Kate. Xxx

It sounds like you have it sorted. It was just Andy and me and I walked him in, as we had always done throughout life. The stories were amazing after and it made me so proud that through the tears, people were talking and sharing laughs about my Andy.

One thing I will say is ask people to simply drop in afterwards…I found after the funeral really difficult as it went very quiet. People think they are giving you space but you do need those people just popping in to say hello to break up the silence and talk about your Andy. I love talking about mine.

Sending lots of love x

Thank you. Yes I have thought about that time after the funeral. I think I will also make sure I go and visit other people. Lots of love ️ 

Definitely, always say yes, even though it is really hard to do and don’t be afraid to take the mask off and show your loved ones and friends, how much you are hurting. This is my biggest challenge. Xx

This part I found really hard as well getting myself prepared for the funeral. Ade was a funeral director and was so organised that he planned most things for the funeral and for the wake.

I was given strict instructions to cater for no more that 60 because if people turned up for the food they could go away (not his words!) A set amount was put behind the bar. 

Ade used to cycle with a wonderful group and they cycled behind him on his final journey. When we got to the crematorium there were 6 funeral staff walking in front of him to the chapel. These things almost broke me but it was so beautifully done. 
it was a sad day but Ade wanted it to be a celebration of his life and it really was.

There were lots of tears and laughter. His music choice was very eclectic which everyone knew so there were a few giggles. His choices were Edwin Starr- Contact, Jamiroqui - Space Cowboy, AC/DC - Thunderstruck then Wham - Club Tropicana (he said, because the drinks are free)

We underestimate our strength at these times. It hurts us because we love them so much and this will last forever.

Sending you hugs and strength xx