Completely heartbroken

My husband was called Andy too. Three weeks for me. I can't find adequate words to express how I feel . Reading your words makes me feel I'm a little less alone in feeling the way I do. 

Hello Clazzz

that is the beauty of this forum, you are with people who know the brutal raw pain that you are feeling. I was reassured by this as unless you have lost your soul mate you just do not know. I would have people talk to me about their losses, mainly parents and I would nod and smile but inside was screaming, you don’t get it, he was my life, my home, my everything. However it is all about relationships and each one experiences grief in their own way.

I also follow Gary Sturgis on FB and he writes very clearly and a lot is exactly how I feel. Find comfort where you can but use this forum for advice on what comes next in terms of paperwork- sorry to be practical but I ploughed on through and have learnt a lot of things from this site, too late for me but hopefully helpful to others.

Look after yourself (really difficult), cry but smile too and share your stories, I always talk to and about my Andy because I am so proud of him and love him with all my heart. Say yes to those people who want to be with you and remember we are all here on this journey, nobody wants to be on.

Sending love xx

Feel so lost today and restless just can’t really settle into anything. Just had a few tears bit wound up today again! 

Did use up a mouldy banana and made some pancakes for a change but that’s the sad reality and reminder that my husband won’t be eating them with me. I got the hoover out 30 mins ago and just now sat looking at it thinking what’s the point!  Had follow up hospital appointment yesterday and I would have loved my husband to have been beside me. Left with a long new list of required prescriptions one of which is 12 steroids which won’t help my sleep or my mood at the moment. 

I had a rubbish evening, yesterday. I looked at a photo of us last year, in Madeira.(Our last holiday together]. We looked so happy. I just sobbed for hours. Then listened to music, and chilled with a bottle of wine. I slept well. So today, I am getting on with the very long list of chores to do. I just work around it. My energy levels have lifted. Hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

Is it wrong that I just want to spend my husbands birthday alone ? I am already getting family interference. We wouldn't have normally seen anyone on his birthday and we would have done exactly what we wanted to do. It's next week going to be challenging and if I want to cry I can instead of trying to pretend I'm ok.  I will be better handling it on my own and they should all respect that

I know they all mean well ish but I got ratty last night when something was trying to be arranged

Help ?? X 

No, it is not wrong, it is smart. I have learnt over the past year, that I need to prioritise my, and my adult children’s needs first. Apart from that, I don’t care (Apart from our border collie). It will be a year on Monday that my husband died. Friend’s at our local, want to have a celebratory drink for him. I said, “No, thanks”. I am not there to be put on show, or make them feel better. I am finding that I end up comforting them, rather than the other way around. Tough. Kate. Xxx

We have to look after ourselves on this path. Do what you feel is right for you.

Exactly this.  
I sometimes feel that those well wishers, and 99% of the time they do mean well for me, that I am here just to make them feel better. 
Better that they are “helping” me. 
But I am learning to say “No thanks”. I have to. 
I have had a busy week with volunteering 4 days, mum 4 days, walk and shopping with sister twice plus my 2 craft classes and today an open day.  
Getting to bed 2am every morning and up at 6.

Terrible last few days with crying non stop at home. Staring into space when I’m not crying. Or pacing, pacing, pacing. Looking for him. Waiting for him to come home.
I am bloody shattered.

My sister asked if I would like to go out with her and mum for lunch tomorrow and a walk on Monday. 
I have had the courage to say No to both. I need to rest. To clean. To garden. Me time.

But mostly I want to spend more time with my beautiful Valen.  
Is it madness to say I have been neglecting him?

So say no to your well meaning family, if you can.
Why do something different, making it “special”.

My beautiful Valen’s family decided it would be nice to have a special mass at the church he had his funeral in on the 1 year mark of his being ripped from us. 
They wanted me to bring him in his casket to be blessed. 
They arranged their transport from Ireland and London. 
They arranged it with the father. 

Then asked mope to bring Valen.

I told them “No. you do what you want. But neither I nor Valen would be there” . 
I asked them why they thought I would want any kind of celebration on the day he was cruelly, traumatically, horrifically ripped fighting for breathe???

I have not spoken to them since.

Wow, that sounds like a very busy week. I get why. If you are busy, you can focus on other things. I have just had a three hour ‘Nap’. I had a difficult night and felt exhausted. It has made a huge difference, and I got up and got on with sweeping the outside of the house in the late sunshine. Sleep is regenerative. Your mind and body have a rest. I also know, how difficult that can be to achieve. I might pop down our local for a late drink. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx