Still missing him

Hello SNB

You have just written down exactly how I am feeling right now. I am only 2 years in from losing my husband to bowel cancer in 2023. He was 69 when he passed and just 7 months off his 70th birthday. Yes I get where you're coming from having to do things on your own. I'm 63 this year and we were together for 40 years married for 37 of them. He passed 2 days after our wedding anniversary on the 21st June it was as if he wanted to hold on for just one more anniversary with me before he passed but unfortunately how he was at the end I don't think he even knew what day it was let alone our anniversary and he passed away in hospital and not at home as he wanted. Yes I've had that from `well meaning` people you should do this/that or have you thought about doing this/that thinking is as far as it gets though the incentive is just not there. We did just about everything together without the need to rely on anyone else we both had the same nature in that we were quite private people. I have though, feel that I've moved on slightly from where I was two years ago. I have started to try to take up some of my hobbies again that had to be shelved when my husband was ill. We used to go to the gym together when he retired he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes so we worked on healthy eating and going to the gym. It worked for a little while and then covid happened so that shut the world down. At the end of 2020 his cancer symptoms began to surface and he couldn't stop going to the loo and the rest as they say after that is history. I have gone back to online studying I did this during lockdown when a local college were providing free online study courses and I quite enjoyed it so doing that. I also look after my little granddaughter now and again and I am carer for my older sister who has learning difficulties she lives on her own in sheltered acommodation within walking distance from me. She can do for herself to an extent but needs me for other things. Yes some days it is just an effort to get out the front door but luckily if I need to go anywhere I can drive so I get in my car and just go. It was one of my husbands last wishes that I go back to driving which I couldn't do for a number of years because of ill health myself. He wanted me to have my independence so even in his last days he was still looking out for me. Just keep coming here when you feel you need to. These forums are a godsend when you feel like this. My best wishes to you as you continue to move forwards. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Thank you 

I am sure it will pass but sometimes it does just get you x 

I feel for you I’ve only been 8 weeks without my husband and it’s been hell so far the thought of more years like you’ve had is a difficult thought. I found in my purse earlier today not that I use it much my husband usually carried a wallet a poem he wrote me that it ended up I won’t leave you till my dying day. He wrote that years ago for me and now he’s gone ! It has upset me reading this again ..I have to admit. 

I also found a notepad that i was writing in the weird things that were happening more recently with my husbands health he to didn’t know what day it was towards the end, did things he would never have done when well and those days were challenging and confusing for us both In my book I wrote I NEED HELP but didn’t know how to get it and what to do. He became very agitated within weeks of his death how I wish I could have helped him more I didn’t know then he was close to death.  He did get help in the end in the hospice for a short time and had a peaceful death. 
It’s so hard getting though some days and very challenging. 


I managed a walk again earlier really pushed myself to do this on my own doesn’t help though but now I’m going to get a rest and try to sleep which I know isn’t ideal but it’s what I feel like doing.  

Sounds exactly the way Jay went at the end Toosoon. He too just wasn't aware of his surroundings at all. He declined so quickly about 2 weeks before he passed. He went from sitting up in bed here scrolling through his phone to getting a 4th bout of sepsis then hospitalised again and just never came home after that. Yes you will feel like sleeping a lot as it is still early days for you all part n parcel of the greiving process. Even 2 years on I feel bed is just where I want to retreat to when I feel like that even if it is through the day and just what everyone here is saying lying awake in the early hours sometimes. I am sleeping though because my sister was staying with me last week and she said she could hear me snoring which I unfortunately do and was one of the things that really annoyed Jay he always threatened to record me doing so because I would never believe him and sometimes he had to get up it seems because I was so bad. Miss him telling me off for it though. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

Hi SNB.

I haven't been on here for several months but this week was the anniversary of when I asked my soulmate and wife, Lin, to marry me, way back in 1978. It's 4 years next month since she left this world, and it is still tough at times. I dealt with the feeling of being alone in several ways. Initially, I started going to bereavement cafés run by a local hospice, then a couple of months later I joined the U3A, going to scrabble & family history groups. I also go on health walks which are run by volunteers through my county council, so I am meeting people. When I am at home, I tend to put radio talk shows or music on, or I put the TV on, but I don't always pay attention to what is on or being broadcast. I feel it makes me feel I am not so alone. About a year or two ago I registered on Wayup ( https://forum.way-up.co.uk/index.php ), which is an online forum for older widows & widowers. Unfortunately, there weren't many members in my immediate locality, but then one day a widower messaged me on the forum and invited me to go along to a group that meet up in another part of my county, about a 35 minute drive away. So, I plucked up the courage, and went along to one of their meet-ups, and really enjoyed it. We just go for lunch twice a month, and tenpin bowling plus meal once a month.

Some family and friends have suggested dating apps, but I'm not sure that's for me. I am fairly fatalistic and think that if I'm going to meet someone else it will happen, but if it doesn't, so what? Initially after Lin's death I couldn't imagine being on my own for the rest of my life, but now I have sort of got used to it. I still miss her so much, and always will, but I am trying to move forward with my life. I still have low days, and even tears sometimes, but I am learning to cope with the feelings of loss.

Take care.

Derek

My beautiful Valen was a terrible snorer! He tried nose clips, nose strips, sprays, all sorts. 
I did record him a couple of times over the years and he was surprised at how loud he was. 
Then he started getting mild sleep apnea.

I realise looking back that the apnea started about 6 months before his initial diagnosis of neck cancer and was obviously a symptom. I can’t go down the if only route. No point. Though of course I have.

I put the tv on as soon as I get home. Go say hello to Valen first, then on it goes till I get to bed. Then podcasts. 
If I’m having real trouble getting to sleep I put Talk Sport on. No interest in particular and I find it quite boring. So it usually works

I guess I’m “lucky” that I pushed myself into volunteering at our local museum just 5 months after Valen was ripped from me. It’s something I really enjoy. Most of the volunteers are quite a bit older than me, and most have lost their husbands or wives. So they get what I’m going through. And though the manager is only in his mid 20s, he is very sympathetic and has said from day 1 that this is not a job I have to turn up to if I’m having a day I can’t face. 
They all have helped me so much. As have my family and friends. 

But it’s the aloneness, the sadness, of an empty home that is waiting for me. No matter how good my day has been, and I do get good days, the sense of impending dread as I get closer to home can sometimes be overwhelming. 
Today for instance. I had to pull into a side road as the tears came, out of nowhere, knowing he wasn’t going to be sitting in his office tap tap tapping away at his computer when I walk through that door.

I have had a crying afternoon and evening. 
Today at the museum, the manager had a chat with me about what I am doing, which is archiving items onto a computer system. 
I really enjoy this. It was a spontaneous idea to volunteer there and started back in Feb. I’ve been steadily working through thousands of items and get great emotional support from my fellow volunteers. Most are older than my 57 years, but most have lost their soulmates so understand what I am going through.

There is however 1 lady, who I don’t work on the same day as, who has been there for over 20 years. As you can imagine, she is very stuck in her ways and resistant to change. The others joke that she sees the museum as her personal fiefdom and the items as her possessions. So she has never been comfortable with what I am doing. 
But in those 20 years things have become chaotic. Though she has vast knowledge of the items and their locations, it is all in her head. She isn’t happy letting go. None of us really know what she’s been doing for 20 years!
Anyway, despite 2 meetings with the manager and 2 with me explaining exactly what I’m doing, yesterday she had another moan about me moving things about. The manager has asked me to curtail my consolidating and rationalising until we have a proper sit down, all of us, meeting. 
This has left me feeling quite deflated, and very resentful. 

The reason for this message is that I would have got home and talked it through with my beautiful Valen. 
He would have let me let off steam, ranted with me and then smoothed things out for me.  
It’s all very well me ranting and then crying at him in his casket.  
But I need his hug and little kisses and his twinkly eyes and making it all ok. 
Instead it’s 2.30 am and I’m sitting in bed feeling pissed off and crying. 
And missing him beyond words 

Sorry you have such a bad day. Often there is someone who is a pain in the backside. You are probably doing such a good job she feels threatened and doesn't understand the new ways of doing things. 

I would be the same want to come home feel angry and upset and like you also like you would need to talk it through with my lovely patient sensible husband.

Firstly he would say you should have said this or that or told them to ............ your only a volunteer.....but then he would have said look everything will be ok and sort it out for the better come here and give me a cuddle and then shut up about work!!!

I too need to talk to my husband (I have obviously muttered a few words to him) but I had a very important day today I took  some more volunteering this time for the NT to see if I would like to get involved. I enjoyed it was out in the fresh air working hard and doing gorse clearing sawing and pruning. 

I thought I'd sleep well tonight after all that how wrong was I!' My mind is active I have so much like you to talk about and talk through but we can't  ..

I need that hug and for him to say we'll done . What I've done is actually a very big thing for me to take another little step forward towards staying focused or trying to.  The thing was I was the only woman and sat having my break with them it was weird to think I'm in that situation because my husband died of he  hadn't I wouldn't have been there. ( Now Im crying too) . Hands and legs are sore from prickly gorse but it was worth it. 

I then came home to build a lego set for my great niece which kept me busy too it was a change from my jigsaw.

None of my family have said you know that he would be so proud of you... maybe they know that it would upset me further. But the only one we really want we want we can't have !!!

It will sort out for the best I'm sure and you know that the others are on your side 

Good luck and good night.

That is so what my, also so patient and sensible, Valen would say and do! 
He would keep reminding me that Resistance is Futile and she would have to come round in the end or lump it. That I am doing a good job. 
And not to let the one annoying person, who I don’t see, ruin my one piece of enjoyment.

Its strange being around so many guys when the only one you want to be around you can’t.
I also do 2 days at our Fort and there are only 4, including me, ladies. So breaks are dominated by them regaling each other with their military careers, discussing DIY and the state of their health

I pressed send by accident. 

I think it’s brilliant what you are doing. Scratched legs and arms aside, it must be very satisfying to actually see the impact your hard work has. Both now and for the future. 
What will you be doing when the weather properly turns?