More difficult to move on than I imagined

Yes I know them looks lol usually followed by the sympathetic “ how are you doing?”

I’m sure I’ve been guilty of doing this in the past and I know people mean well but I’m sure they would run a mile if we told them how we really are.

Take care Kate and hope both them heads feel better in the morning  

Thank you for you kindness. Kate.xxx

"People would run a mile if we told them how we really are". This resonates with me, and I'm sure all of you too. I want to run a mile sometimes too, and get away from myself. It's so endless and tiring and sad. The silence and emptiness. My husband said it would be hell and it is. 

I can tell the mental health nurse how I really am, or close to it, I don’t want to be committed!
And I can come close with my brother and sister in law. And with one of our true friends. 
But the only person who gets the whole truth is right now in the casket next to me on the chest of drawers. 
And he can’t run a mile.

I sometimes just get in the car and drive for an hour, any direction, don’t care where. Anytime of the day or night. Mindlessly drive and if I end up somewhere where I can have a walk, then that’s a bonus. 
I’ve even gone to the train station in town. I was going to get a train to London then just get on another train anywhere. 
But realised how stupid that would be without telling anyone and with no clothes. 
But then my brain and my logic are not working properly. 

Yes, it does resonate. I told someone once a little bit of the “Truth” about my husband’s last days. I was honest. The look of “horror” on their face. I won’t do that again. Again, I want to get away from myself, too. I am feeling better today, it has lifted. I will make myself go out of the house, and go to “The Beer Festival”, in the village, later. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

Clothes are important. 

We have a celebration of women here today. It’s an annual event. 
Lots of music, dance exhibitions and classes. Yoga, meditation. 
One of the classes is mindful and creative writing.  
So if I get my bum in gear I am going to take another step out of my comfort zone and go. 
I did a lot of “creative” writing in the first few months after my beautiful Valen was ripped from me. As in quite sweary and aggressive. 
So I’d like to see if I can channel that into something, I don’t know if positive is the right word, but into something I will be able to look back on. Or others can read without as you say, turning pale and dropping it like it’s burning.

But it’s looking quite overcast, so let’s just wait and see.

That sounds about right. I am 2 months into the 2nd year and this year I have felt it a whole lot harder than the first. Yes I feel you more or less sail through the first year because I think it is still hitting you that your loved one has gone but still expecting them to re appear so to speak. The 2nd year I think you actually come to the realisation that they are indeed gone and not coming back. I've heard it said that the first 2 years is like a settling time if you like in that you are still coming to terms with that person being by your side for many years not being there anymore. Some days I feel myself reverting back to my `pre Jay` days before I knew him but with a bit more strength and courage now. Before I knew Jay I was like a `little girl lost` and not knowing where I would end up in life but I think being married and having family changes you in that way. Sometimes I want to change something and I think maybe Jay won't like that. Like changing my hair colour or length etc he hated it if I got my hair cut shorter than normal but now he's not here to bother with that anymore and it's my decision how I have my hair now or other things. At times I still look for his approval on things things we used to make joint decisions on but its all down to me now. For now I'm happy to just plod along and see where the future takes me. I fear for the future at times but in a sense know that Jay will be somewhere guiding me along. 

Hello Lou Lou!

I don't quite remember you but nice you remember me I think back then things were still a blur and I was just looking for reassurance. Yeah good that it's not just me that thinks like this and everyone here says the same thing about the `2nd year`. It has been hard this year and at times you get to the stage of `what now`? what do I do, where do I go? Glad I have family close by though. I don't see them a lot they have their own lives to lead but look after my little granddaughter from time to time she has just started school so won't be needed much now for that I guess but I have the new grandchild arriving in November so will be needed there no doubt. I am also still carer for my older sister. She has learning difficulties and lives in assisted living within walking distance from me. She can do most things for herself but needs me for certain things like things in authority etc. She has come through cancer too just two months after Jay passed she got bowel cancer like him but was caught early so they were able to treat it and she is making good progress. She is though currently waiting on replacement heart valve surgery now. Lovely to hear from you again. Take Care. xx

Well I got my bum in gear and went! 
Bumped into one of our friends and her daughters who were there for the event (she had breast cancer a few ago and had many frank conversations with my beautiful Valen about treatment). 
And another who is having palliative treatment at the moment. 
And one of our best friends - has does not and has not had cancer

The mindful creative writing was really interesting. And at the end we all felt calmer and inspired to carry on. 
In fact when I got home I did and I have written a poem. 
Now thats a turn up for the books! Valen would find it hilarious and yet be, I think, happily surprised.