two people

You have said exactly how I feel and told the mental health nurse I saw today. 
I am exhausted with the constant conflict in my head. 
If I stop crying so much, or sleep a little better or laugh at the tv on my own, or eat a proper meal etc Does that mean I’m moving on? 
But I don’t want to move on, not without Valen. That’s not right. 
But he would be terribly sad to see me so distraught. 
But he’s not here to see it. 

I told her that I have to go to his casket, pat it, tell him where I’m going and a rough time I’ll be home and tell him “watch out for those pesky pigeons in the garden” before I go out. 
But what’s the point? 
But if I don’t he’ll not know where I am. 
And if I don’t I panic. 
I once drove home after driving for 20 minutes because I hadn’t done it and was beginning to panic that he would not know where I was. 

I have to move on. 
He told me to move on. 
I can’t / don’t want to move on. 
I have to move on. 
Eventually. 

Hugs all round

I know we have to move on, but i do not see anything to move on for,the world is to scary without him. I would rather stay in the past where i feel happier, loved and safe. Take care

I think I understand you.

We know we have to move on, but the thought of we are letting them go again is scary. I know it's daft and I know we won't but the thought of forgetting are loved one is horrible. Is it a form of survivors guilt ?

I think part of the problem lies with the connotations of 'moving on'. It implies we are leaving something (or someone) behind, which may have been holding us back. It has connotations of developing new interests and transitioning from one phase of life to another. It can suggest making progress. 

While we might identify with some of these connotations, for me personally, I don't want to leave my husband behind. While his death cannot be described as 'holding me back', I don't think it's something that can be 'cured' by developing new interests. These might help adjust to the new reality, which is certainly a transition, but not one most of us welcome. Perhaps 'adjustment' or 'adaptation' or 'learning to live without' might better capture the reality of living without one's raison d'etre.

To everybody in this thread - it is 22 weeks today since I lost my husband! Of 42 year s  & the thought of moving on.petrifies me.  I don’t know how to move on nor do I have any desire to.  He left me a note telling me to please try  & live my life to the full - easier said than done when the person you want to do that with is no longer here.  It hurts so much but like I’ve read in earlier threads I’m not on my own with this.  Some days I think I’m going absolutely bonkers but then realise  it is all part of the grieving process & it will take as long as it takes - days, months, years  but however long it takes he will be forever in my heart . Xx

Yes, the phrase “moving on” seems all kind of wrong. 
To me personally, it means moving on from Valen. 
Moving further away from him. And that’s never gonna happen. 
To me personally it implies a metaphorical shrugging off the past. 
I moved on from my divorce - It was a conscious effort to make changes to my life. 
I don’t want these new changes to my life - but I can’t stop them happening.  
I have to learn new skills by necessity, not choice.

So I am not moving on with my new unwanted life. I am adapting to my new unwanted life. And life is adapting around me.

Please do not get me wrong. I still love Sue with all my heart and always will. 23 weeks today.