Everyone’s support troubles thoughts and honesty it does help you know it’s not just you feeling so low…

I hope you manage to get some sleep in the heat tonight. 

 I have flash backs during the week. Friday nights/ Saturday morning is when Sue went. For some reason I relive it every Friday night/Saturday morning. 

 Take care 

I had some close friends over today. We sat chilling in the garden. We have known them for over 25 years, and we would socialise as couples and a larger group. The husband was helping my son assemble a new wheelbarrow, as I couldn’t find the right tools in the garage. It was lovely, but I could sense their sadness. I had to go into ‘pretend’ mode again. Reassuring them, ‘That it takes time,” “Things are getting easier”, “I have found lots of ways to fill my day”, etc, etc. What a load of twaddle. They have no idea. I have decided it is my new specialist area, and one that I excel at. The truth is, I will only share that part of me with people who truly understand. That is why I am on this Forum. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

I used to have vivid flashbacks every Thursday morning between 3 and 6. 
The time my beautiful Valen said he couldn’t breath to the time the helicopter doctor called my brother to say “Valen passed away this morning”.

Both my G.P and counsellor said I have PTSD and after completing the Art Therapy counselling- which have helped to some degree, I am now wait8mg for PTSD cpunselling. 
I think all our G.Ps should recognise that we who witness the traumatic passing of our loved ones have PTSD.

Well, those nightly, then weekly now monthly flashbacks have lessened both in intensity and impact. 
I still get them. And sometimes a vivid flashback catches me unawares not at their usual Thursday am time. Because grief is unpredictable. 
But for me, I now don’t get the whole 3 hour, minute detail, recall. 
Just edited lowlights.

Yep. I still say I’m a Stepford Wife. With that fake smile plastered in place. Nodding like a Churchill dog.  
We all deserve Oscars!

Last week during the afternoon art group we were discussing boobs and bum eating bikinis. (we do go off on tangents!). 
We were all laughing so much and 1 of them rinsed her paintbrush in her tea which made us laugh even more. 
My friend said “Your laughing with your eyes, not just your mouth. It’s beautiful to see” which made me happy and sad and confused and guilty and pleased all at once.

Strangely I did sleep a little better despite the heat thanks.

That's tough, the flashbacks I have tend to be more sporadic. 

My aunt sent me this link the other day, she said its helped with some of her patients, shes a counsellor. if we're allowed to send links...

Not sure what I think of it but you may find it useful 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv38dzpcxfA

Take care too

Oh that makes me sad for you. Are uou not comfortable telling them how you feel as they're close friends?

I've just written that but still completely understand why you do it. You're protecting them, trying to make them feel better? Maybe wanting to keep your vulnerable side private and not repeat yourself because you don't feel better, how I feel sometimes I guess with people. 

Well, keep sharing here, we do truly understand. 

Today I've felt like I'm in alternate universe, like this isn't my life, but it is, it just wasn’t meant to be this way.

Hope your day has been bearable x

Thank you.

 I'm glad you got some sleep. 

I have always had to hide my feelings. I had a difficult childhood. One of five, on free school meals, with a violent stepfather and neglectful mother. It is not natural for me to share my emotions. I know they care deeply, but they can’t help me on the real healing. Only I can do that for myself. The only person I could be my true self with was my husband. He has gone, so yes, I do feel alone. However, I am an extremely resilient and strong woman. This is helping me now. Today, has actually been a lovely day. Thank you for your kindness. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

 been at work all day then dinner at my parents and feel quite knackered now so hopefully my sleeping pill will actually kick in tonight it didn’t work like I hoped it would last night and as I was ordering a Greggs breakfast deal for myself and some snacks for the team I was working with as it was one of the boys birthday. Ordering that at 4.30 am. !!! 

Just another Another crazy thing I wouldn’t have done in the past definitely at that time of the morning!

Totally agree my husband was the only one I was truly myself with and him me. My parents said tonight seem To think I’m handling it ok in the circumstances they are telling people that too !  They don’t know I started grief counselling and trying sleeping pills and that I cry every day so I must be a pretty good actor too. Im not though I hide away and try to keep the tears back, or just stay silent or quiet for a while to recover. 7  weeks today ! Even my elderly mother said still thinks he will walk back in one day and  can’t believe He’s no longer here I would love that moment too so much  he would struggle up the stairs put his coat and cap on the banister have a cuddle and then I’d get the kettle on for him and talk for hours and then bed I’m really missing him and his lovely smell when I cuddled up with him

Lovely to hear you have had a nice day x

Oh wow! So much here I can relate to with being wide awake in the `wee small hours` and being a `nodding dog` etc. MrsVT love `The Stepford Wife` comment. I actually watched those movies last week online don't know if it was you talking about that or not but so right we've all become like robots/androids all programmed to smile, laugh etc when needed when all you want to do sometimes is scream. Yes thank the lord for these forums where we can all come and let off steam and where everyone `gets it`. 

Vicky xx