Everyone’s support troubles thoughts and honesty it does help you know it’s not just you feeling so low…

Love it -  good for you. Glad your making the most of today. 

Im watching the hours now till home time comes but now there's not quite the same feel for racing home.  Been an ok day though not working too hard in this heat!  Got good support here today that listen and cheer me up  or try to x 

Pariah Club, and all on this forum, will always receive a warm welcome on the Suffolk Coast

That’s kind. Xxx

Ladies, it was quite the opposite for me. I had to listen to Jay `waffling on` about his day at work and what I'd give some days just to have that back. It was the usual he would start when you were probably getting into a TV programme and you would look over and `nod` in appreciation as if listening but he wasn't daft he knew you weren't listening and would say `you're no listening are you`? and then sometimes go in a huff but sometimes he would tell you things over and over again he maybe told you a few days before so you just learned to `switch off` when you knew what was coming. He was quite complex that way at times he had dyslexia as well so could be `obsessed` with something and talk non stop about it. He was so kind and considerate at times and would go out of his way sometimes in doing things for people if someone said they were doing some kind of building or something he would say let me know if you need this/that and I'll get it for you and would sometimes help out. Helped my downstairs neighbour build his shed in their back garden and it's withstood all the bad weather elements to this day. Built our back garden fence and that has withstood all weathers too so he was handy that way. He was the same with me always thought I had to be eating like him even though some days I maybe didn't feel like it and worried I wasn't eating enough. We made each other laugh though him more so making me laugh just pulling a stupid face or making an off the cuff remark and I would go into fits laughing and could not stop. Laughing is something I've not really done enough of recently. Toosoon yes I get that the clothes still in the wardrobe I have been thinking of getting rid of those recently. Since I am now past the 2 year mark I am wondering if now is the best time to get rid of the clothes I have seen him in still hanging there. I visited a psychic once and she told me Jay has given approval that his warm jumpers and jackets go to someone who will get good use out of them so I wonder. I wish you all well moving forward on this horrible journey. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Isn't it sad that we start to expect to be let down and that we're bad people? We're not...

I have people who live 5, 15, 20 mins away who haven't dropped in to see me...so now I don't make the effort to go to them I don't see them. I'm over them!

I've been having really strange dreams too and now up when I should be asleep!

Look after yourself (the pariah club)

Hi, it's horrible how, we now see the world and people. I know people on this path are the only ones who understand it. 

 I hope you got some sleep without the strange dreams.

The hot nights don’t help. I was up at 2am, went back for a bit, then up at 4.30am. Cried myself to sleep, and am now up again. I can’t seem to lift my mood for long. I don’t seem to have the energy. I have become so good at pretending, I think it is my new specialist skill. Kate. Xxx

Snap 2am - 4am not able to switch off either. Eventually did go back off again ..

I Was troubled with thoughts as I can’t remember the last words my husband and I had together. It would have been words only I remember the day before the few words spoken chocolate was one of them.  I didn’t know he would be gone so soon I am just getting if only thoughts and why thoughts again I guess all part of grief why do we do this to ourselves it’s bad enough as it it!!!

Also I had worked yesterday so should have been tired but it doesn’t work like that any more for me. It’s amazing how many of us are looking at this in the early hours …no one else to talk to is there …?

Work even asked me yesterday that if I want another day if it would help …I only have to ask. The thing is I had only recently reduced my hours to care further for my husband and I was happy with those reduced hours. It wouldn’t help me at the moment it would only help them but I suppose it’s nice to be wanted.  I drove to work yesterday again with tears surley that’s not safe and asked my husband what he’s cooking for tea tonight Sunday roast was his specialty.  Chatting to him as I do as I drive along with his little tiny tin of ashes beside me it’s so comforting. 

I returned home though yesterday changed my planned menu and did some homemade oven Fries and eggs as potatoes were sprouting and eggs were getting past their use by date it was ok a bit of comfort food but again it’s not enjoyable eating alone ! My eating habits are becoming bad but I am at least eating. 

Isn't it? A whole new view of the world. 

I got about another hour thanks, then up for work sometimes I wonder how I'm still functioning. 

Hope you had a nightmare free night

And even hotter today, certainly does not help.

I hear you, I always think I should have been an actor! It's exhausting pretending every day isn't it? We have skills and no one even knows it. I also think, it's a long life to be living and feeling like this for the rest of it x