Ranty rant rant!

Hi, so I have recently had 3 weird phone calls from family and friends. 

 I know people are different and they do not see this the same as us. One of my sister's told me her son was getting divorced and it was the worst news this year. Er sorry I thought the death of my wife, my soul mate ?

 A friend? could not understand why I still upset and feeling guilty ( I know I should not feel guilty). Er I lost my wife 20 weeks ago tonight and I could not save her.

The other phone call was just nonsense. Yesterday I was doing the bedding and I just let out a big primal scream. It hurt my throat. 

 I got asked this week a couple of times how are you doing ? I put on the false face and say you know up and down. I am trying not to cry in public but if I do,I do.

I hate when people ask how I am cos I'm sure they are sick of me saying today is a slightly better day but it doesn't mean i am better, it means I've got through the day without a massive meltdown. My soulmate passing is now coming up to 6 months..time goes quick but then it doesn't..I think people expect me to of moved on..got over it..I keep busy to fill the void..to take the edge off it..maybe block out how bloody awful it is. I get bitter towards people who I know weren't there for us yet say they are friends..let's hope its not them who has to experience this heartbreak x

Hi there, we are back after a very long day at The Nuffield. It all went very well, with no complications. Anti-biotic and strong pain relief for our son, is the order of the day. I am thankful that there were no difficulties. Home now, with a lovely glass of wine. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

Yeah I've had the comparison to divorce, and you're like, what? Are you actually serious? How does it even compare, a divorce isn't a death and it's by choice!

Sorry you've had to deal with ridiculous comments this week, just so insensitive. 

I screamed once in the car through frustration, it does get your throat, haven't done it again! Just internal screams.

Cry if you need to.

Well it's the end of another groundhog week and I'm exhausted, must be all the pretense as well as work! And the weekends...used to love them, now...well you know x

I hear you.

I feel lots of anger towards people who claimed they'd be there but haven't been. People you least expect too and also resentment to people living their happy untouched by grief lives, not that you'd wish it on anyone x

Ah I'm so pleased everything went OK and you both got through it. I've heard it's quite a thing having your wisdom teeth out so hope your son is coping with the pain.

Your glass of wine is well deserved I am sure. G&t for me! Enjoy it x

It's  amazing how many people at the funeral said we will check on you etc. Inc neighbours and you never hear or see them. Unless I have taken a parcel in for a neighbour.

 I call myself a pariah. The thing which could happen to them. I hope not as I don't wish this on anyone. 

Yes, it’s funny isn’t it. The truth is, it will happen to them. Then they will know what real suffering is. To be fair, I am very cautious about who I let into my life now. I have to protect myself. Perhaps, I could join “The Pariah Club” ? I think there would be more members than you think.  Kate. Xxx

• It is strange how we now see things and people. Welcome to the pariah club

That’s two members. Xxx