Good or bad

Dear Ghost

Words are not sufficient for what we are going through, but please know that you have my deepest sympathy and compassion.

I am now 8 months in to this horrible journey, one I never wanted to be on.

One thing I want to say right away is, YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON!

Similarly to you, I have not seen friends or family since Christmas (apart from a few brief meetings in the village, while shopping etc.) The only people I have had face to face conversations with have been my brilliant GP and mental health nurse every couple of weeks – and they haven’t really been conversations, just me crying at them for 45 minutes. I have regular phone calls with my elderly parents 650 miles away, but its not the same as personal contact. Have been feeling so alone, so lonely.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I pretty much had a breakdown recently and after a course of anti-depressants, have managed to get back on slightly more even keel. Still crying every day, but not breaking down, still have nightmares, but not waking up screaming. Having some OK (not good, but OK) days, some bad days, some awful days. Hopefully getting there slowly

One thing I have done is start to reach out to a few of our close friends, wondering if they still cared, whether they even remembered me. I thought that Anne and I were really good friends with them, regularly having dinner together, meeting for coffees, drinks. Why hadn’t they even called me, popped in to see me? Did they think death was contagious?

The answer I got from all of them was pretty much the same – “We know you are having a really hard time, and we didn’t want to trouble you, be a bother”

“We were waiting for you to call us to ask for help, for you to to reach out when you are ready”

“Don’t you remember, we spoke at the funeral and told you to call us if you want to talk, need help”. (as if I could remember anything anybody told me on that day!)

I have come to realise that so many people just don’t know what to say, how to help someone who is grieving such a loss. To be honest, I may not have helped that, as for months I would just break down sobbing when anyone asked me how I was doing when I met them in the village store - to the point where I now do my shopping in the nearest town 40 miles away.

I have now made arrangements to meet up with a couple of them at our local coffee shop (neutral ground). I have told them, yes, I may cancel at the last minute if I am having a really bad day. But I want to meet, to talk, to remember Anne. Yes, I may well cry, yes, I will be emotional. They have all been kind, have promised to be guided by me, try not to offer unwanted advice, but that I need to know they are there to try to support me.

Yes, I know they may get things wrong, maybe say something I find upsetting or hurtful. However, I have come to realise that good friends want to help, but they just don’t know how. They are scared of saying / doing the wrong thing. Some people want to “fix you”, not realising that grief like ours cannot be “fixed”, I am not “going to be normal” (normal would be having Anne holding hands at my side). Just need to explain to them I don't need fixing, I just desperately need to know that I still have a friend, that I am not completely alone in this nightmare. 

Sorry this is a bit rambling, but maybe try contacting close friends, maybe just a text message if you don’t feel up to talking initially. Explain it will be hard for you to socialise after such a traumatic period, but if they are willing to accept that, maybe meet for a coffee / glass of wine / beer. Take it slow, it may be your friends are similar to ours – they want to help, but just don’t know how.

But, remember – you are not a bad person. Be kind to yourself, take your time.

With best wishes

Chris

Hi jealous of angels,

 I know what you are saying. To be fair to them they live away from me. Last week I rang and told them I could do with a vist,as I was lonely. No bites I'm afraid. 

 At Sue's funeral I did ask them not to forget about Sue. I would just like to go out for a coffee or a pop. I stopped drinking(never drank a lot) when Sue got poorly, and talk about Sue.

Apart from the nightmares of that night,cpr etc. I have never had a dream where Sue has touched me and the hug was both beautiful and heartbreaking. 

Thank you for your reply  I hope you manage to meet up with your friends. 

Hi there, you are not a bad person. People can be bloody selfish, and not read between the lines. How could they think that you don’t need them ? The one thing we need at this difficult time is companionship. We have lost our soul mates, and our whole world has imploded. I am nine months in, and some days I don’t quite know how I have got through them. Kind regards, Kate.