I lost my partner of 31 years on Wednesday after a 4 year battle with prostate cancer. He was doing so well until September when his health started to decline, he woke one morning partially blind and two weeks later he was completely blind, he had MRI scans of the head which found nothing, He saw several eye specialists, a neurosurgeon and they all came up with nothing. In late November he could not get up from the sofa, lost his balance and all co-ordination and was taken into hospital. He stayed there until the middle of January when after all tests they told us that the cancer had spread everywhere including multiple mets showing on a head scan. They gave him two months and he said he wanted to die at home. A fast track care package was implemented and I brought him home. It was the worst 7 weeks on my life. He was helpless like a baby couldn't see, get out of bed, sit up or even roll over, he had no appetite and lived on an Actimel a day. I was told there was nothing they could do about and artificial feeding was not an option. On Wednesday he went down hill so fast I called the district nurse and she came out and gave him some injections for breathing and pain. After that he was only semi conscious and breathing heavily, I held his hand and told him I was there and asked if he could hear me and he nodded, I told him I wouldn't leave him. Eventually he stopped nodding but was still breathing and I ran upstairs desperate for the loo and in those few minutes he died alone. I cannot get over thinking about that as though I let him down at the last minute. I also cannot get over the situation that he found himself in completely blind, neither of us had ever remotely thought that something like that might happen. I cannot bear to sit in the living room as they cannot come and pick up the hospital bed for 3 weeks and every time I look at it my breaks more. I am so sad I don't know what to do. My heart goes out to anybody in a similar horrific situation.
