i'm just angry

Dear Janey,

I am so sorry for your loss. Supporting your partner of twenty-five years through a four-year battle with cancer is truly tough. 

All of us here in the Forum will have moments of wondering what more we could have done, but we each, I believe, gave the very best of ourselves with the knowledge, emotions, and strengths, we had at the time. And just as now we really appreciate all the unique aspects of our beloved's personality, weaknesses and strengths, in ways we almost never have done before because they are frozen now - like rare gifts to us - that only we can see, we also have to appreciate all those aspects of our own personality too that attracted, and was part of, and part formed by, this unique romance. I don't think so many in the world, especially nowadays, gets to experience these long, rich, romances that many of us on this Forum have been blessed with. 

I think all of us here have tried to help our loved ones defy death in the only way we can by showing our love and offering the gift of our presence and the power of consolation. 

Thinking of you as you make time for yourself now, your feelings, your passions, your personality, and life, after these four years of defying death both alongside your beloved, and then alone.

Love Florence 

Thank you so much for your lovely reply and taking the time. Yes we are so lucky we had such long wonderful romances and its also been lovely reading about other peoples loved ones and their love does shine through their grief. My anger is lessening since being here on the forums and i think maybe i was too hard on myself, thinking i was the only one feeling such things, when in fact i think we all go through it, all the emotions, anger, guilt, being frozen, its universal it seems.Also a lot of my anger has gone since i got his remains back and he is with me again, i feel more at peace with the world. tahnk you again for replying to me, love Janey

I definitely felt less anxious with the world when I got my beautiful Valen back.

His spot is in the conservatory, looking out into the garden, at the pear tree with the bird feeders. 
I tell him about my day, good or bad. 
I rest my hand on the top of his casket. 
I have an LED flicker candle next to him I “light” when it gets dark. 
When I go to bed I carry him in to the bedroom. I can’t bear for him to be in the cold overnight. 

And I know this sounds mad, but, ya know, each to their own.
I wrapped him in a soft comforter and packed him in my suitcase when I have been, twice, to my brother in Wales?

Blimey, he’s heavy!

Haha no it's not mad, my John hated the cold so i made sure he is in the warmest spot in my room, and yes he is heavy too . I know if he had his way he would be scattered out the back of a Spitfire or Lancaster, so i tell him every day if i win the lottery we can do that but until then he is stuck with me in my room . It really was amazing how different i felt once he was home with me again, you can't even begin to explain it, just a "right" kind of feeling. I talk to him everyday which is helping, and my anger is slowly dissipating as each day goes on. It's still early days and im learning to be kind to myself and also learn all the things he would normally have taken care of.But its easier with him here.xx

Glad I'm not the only one. I have `Jay` sitting on a unit in the corner of the living room. 18 months have past but I just don't know what to do with his ashes so he just sits there in his Union Jack urn with his photo at the side. I saw this urn and showed it to my son and he loved it and said `mum you have to get that`! The red white and blue represent the colours of his and my son's football team Glasgow Rangers they both had season tickets for Ibrox stadium so when Rangers are playing (especially their `auld enemy` Celtic) I sit `Jay` in front of the TV  so he can watch it and send pictures to my son who thinks I'm nuts but has a good laugh about it. We had a static caravan in Argyll in Scotland which I had to sell after he passed just too much of an upkeep on my own so got a scatter tube and took some of his ashes over there and just scattered them round the van and on the embankment next to it as he loved it there and the rest stay with me. Used to think that was really creepy when someone kept their loved ones ashes but I do get it now. And yes he was a big bloke too so lifting that urn to clean round about it is like lifting a ton weight

Vicky x

John left no instructions for me, so he is staying put on my dressing table for now and i feel happier. My brother thinks its morbid to keep peoples ashes in the house, but he has never had to face the issue, and he cant understand how peaceful it has turned out to be for me and for many others in the same situation. I love you put your  Jay in front of the TV, i may have to do that when the F1 starts for John x

Mad lady here again

My beautiful Valen always had his leg gently and good naturedly pulled by all and sundry over his love for the Rocky films. 
We have the box set, yet he would still record it if it was on t.v to watch

So, one of the Rocky films was on the other night. 
I taped it. 
While I was doing some of my crafting and gardening I popped him on the sofa, put the film on and left him to it

It gave me great satisfaction to do that x

Mrs VT

That sounds like Jay. He was an awful one for watching things over and over again. Used to drive me mad!!  He was your proverbial couch potato and loved to `channel hop` with the remote. He would start a programme then switch it over half way through to something else. He would watch one programme in the daytime and watch it again at night. We had- well I still have at a reduced package- SKY TV and they have a habit of repeating programmes over and over again. It was mainly cooking programmes he watched Rick Stein, Gordon Ramsey (can't stand that man) etc etc he watched and car programmes Wheeler Dealers, Counting Cars etc and he'd watch these over and over again and if I said to him he'd watched them already he would go into a strop. He liked the movies `Convoy` and the Clint Eastwood spagetti westerns `Fistfull of Dollars, Good Bad and The Ugly etc. Smokey and The Bandit as well. I hardly have the TV on at all now it's certainly not on during the day. I just switch on at teatime now and get the news and watch the soaps and maybe find a movie on Amazon, Youtube or Netflix to watch. With Jay it was on 24/7 whether he was watching it or not at times it was just on. 

x