Hello dear friends,
My 53 year old husband, of thirty years, died this day last year in hospital from a hemorrhage - he had been diagonised with oesophus cancer 4 months earlier and in the last month of his life he was given only a month to live so was receiving pallative care. He was in hospital four months from his diagnosis until he died. I know everyone else here knows the intensity and emotional roller coaster of this period. I might be in hospital at 7am on dark winter mornings and leaving at 1am. Some days would be so quiet on the wards or the ward might be in lockdown from various covid outbreaks but I seemed to wander through it obliviously like a shadow. I would often curl up at his feet in his hospital bed, despite all his tubes and monitors, and fall asleep. My husband's parents and siblings had already passed so I spent the time with him mostly alone in a bubble - that almost reminded us of our life in our 20s pre-children. We wanted our two children to focus on their careers and to protect them from the cuelty and brutality of this disease as much as possible.
I have one question I would be grateful to hear your thoughts on. I left my husband at midnight the night before he died. All his obs were normal and the nurse looking after him told me he was getting fluids, he was good, and would have even more energy in the morning. He took ill with his hemorrhage at 6am and died at 6.30am but the nurse who was on duty, and who I had spoken to numerously between 8-12pm, did not call me. Nobody called me when he deteriorated or even when he died. It was 10am when I got a call from his doctor. When I arrived at the hospital noone who had been with my husband were there to tell me much.
As I had been at the hospital every day, all day, for four months I was shocked that I wasn't called immediately. I had been called other times he deteriorated Maybe I would not have reached the hospital in time but I only lived 10 minutes away by cab. At midnight, before I left him, my husband asked me had I money for the cab. I run my own business but didn't work during his illness so I could be there for him day and night. Yes, I wished I had stayed through the night but I had never slept over any night previously - doctors told me they would call me if they had worries. As a mother I was supporting our children too through this time and I obviously wanted to shower at home etc.
Anyway I welcome any thoughts on my confusion and pain regarding this which is caught up with my grief and loss too.
Thank you
Florence
