Hi, I put this on the new group but got told its better on here. 3 weeks yesterday my wife died of cancer. After a short battle just over 2 months. I am sorry as I know other people are going or have gone through this. Tomorrow is her funeral and I don't feel like I am ready for it. Every morning I cry when I wake up and if I am honest I cry most of the time. We were one of them couples who were lucky enough to have been married just over 33 years. We still held hands and kissed,when we went for walks on the beach. We moved up to Northumberland about just over 7 years ago as we loved the area. We were not blessed with children. To be honest I have found it hard to make new friends. So I don't feel like I have much support up here. Hopefully some friends are coming up from Yorkshire and one of my sisters also. Sorry I am rambling on. I also lost my Dad on Christmas day. Is it normal not to feel ready for your spouse's funeral ?
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. I also lost my partner 3 weeks ago and I am not ready for his funeral which will take place in just over a week. He also had a short battle with cancer and I think seeing them deteriorate so quickly you don’t get time to process losing them so quickly. I also cry every day. Sorry I don’t have much advice at the moment but I hope everything goes ok tomorrow and you get to celebrate your wife’s life. She will want you to be ok xx
Hello I am so sorry for your loss and completely understand how lost and empty you feel. I felt the same about the funeral but if it's any small comfort it wasn't as bad as expected on the day as everyone,was so.kind,and,supportive.
However this process is horrific and I am so sorry for what you are going through. Be kind to yourself and do what feels right for you. No one can tell you how you should feel and never feel you have to validate yourself.
My heart goes out to you about the crying. People keep saying to me - don't hold in the tears - I can't or let it all out like there is a finite amount which there really isnt.I miss my husband so much and can't imagine being happy again. I will carry on day to day as that is what he would have wanted but feel empty.
I hope the funeral goes well and sending you Best wishes for the road ahead x
You have my total compassion. Yes, it is totally normal to not feel ready for the farewell to the person you have loved.
I "lost" my beloved wife 5 months ago - I say "lost" - she wasn’t lost, she was ripped away from me and the family far too soon. The day of her funeral was the hardest day of my life…. We knew that her condition was terminal, and we had so often talked about what she wanted for the funeral. She had picked the music (the hardest part for me was cutting down 6hs + of music to 45 minutes), the hymns, what should be said, the readings etc.
On her final day, she went into the local hospice (55 miles away - "local" in the Highlands is relative), and I was told that she would be in for symptom/pain management, back home in a few days. End of Life care was coming, but not for another 2-4 months. Sadly she died just 8 hours later.
On the day of the funeral, the family and I were all in bits, but we somehow managed to get through it. I wish there was a way of saying that it will be easy to get through - but I can't. For me, it was the most emotional, gut wrenching day I have ever lived through - but I made it, somehow. Not easy, so hard, but I made it.
I am still in so much pain. Have not posted here for a month or more, going through a very, very dark place. Only getting 1-2 hours sleep a day, screaming nightmares, flashbacks - but that’s just me. Currently seeing the mental health nurse and GP every 2 weeks, hospice bereavement team every week. Hopefully staring face to face counselling in a couple of weeks.
Please, do not feel ashamed to ask for help, call CRUSE UK (they are really helpful), if desperate, call the Samaratins on 116123, 24 hours a day - I think they have probably saved my life.
Post on here - we all understand what you are going through. You may not get an immediate answer, but know that the people here know exactly what you are going through.
The only advice I can give is - Give yourself time, time to grieve, time to remember the love, the good times. Yes, it will take time. Yes, if you are anything like me, you will cry your heart out every hour. It is normal. As someone posted here a while ago - "The price of love is that you grieve when it is lost, the greater the love, the greater the grief".
Would I give up 25 years of love from the most wonderful woman I have known, will ever know, to relieve this pain? No, even knowing the outcome, I wouldn't change a thing. Remember the love you had together, cherish that. No-one can ever take that from you.
Be kind to yourself. Try to eat, even if its only a bowl of soup. Don’t try to drown yourself in a bottle -trust me - it might bring temporary oblivion, but it doesn’t work and it wrecks you and your mind (I know from personal experience over the last few months).
If you can, try to get some exercise, maybe just a walk every day. For me it was so hard - walking by the loch, along the river, in the mountains. All walks we used to do together - so many memories. I sobbed all the way on the first few walks around the loch. So many memories, the hugs and kisses over the years. I still cry as I walk those steps - but it gets easier each day, I feel that she is with me every step of the way.
I wish you all the best. I can't promise that it will get better, but it does get just a little easier with time.
It is not easy, but remember, there is always someone here who has walked, is walking , that path, who knows what you are going through. Please, in times of trouble, please post here - you may not always get an immediate response, but we all know what you are going through.
If at rock bottom, if you are desperate - call CRUSE UK on 0808 808 1677 (8-8pm),or Samaritans on 116123 (24x7).
I'm not ashamed to admit - they have literally saved my life.
Hi there, I am so sorry to hear about your wife. My husband Paul passed on the 4th August last year from kidney cancer. Strangely, on the day I felt completely calm. I had arranged the service, the flowers, sorted the buffet, contacted family and friends, organised the wake, all on my own. I think I was in some sort of trance, [probably shock] as my darling had also deteriorated so quickly too. We also visited the medieval churchyard, so I knew where he was to be laid. I found this comforting. I wanted to create a feeling of beauty and dignity for my darling. I am sending you strength. You are stronger than you think. Kind regards, Kate.xxx
When we were told my beautiful Valen had 3 to 6 months he started planning his funeral. We went to the local funeral place, he took out a plan and we paid up front. He picked the hymns, readings, flowers, order of service. He chose the clothes he would wear. He chose his ashes casket. He chose my necklace I do not remove with some of him in it.
I was carrying out his wishes just short of 4 weeks later.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, prepared me for the horror of seeing him carried in. The finality. I actually wailed, like a bloody banshee, but didn’t know I did until later. But then the service was beautiful, just as he planned.
At his celebration later, someone asked if I would like a drink. I replied “It’s ok, Valen will get me one”. I almost fainted. But then to hear and witness the outpouring of love for my special, wonderful husband was incredible. Reinforcing what I knew.
So it was a mixed bag of a day of tears, gut wrenching reality, laughter, comfort, horror, but ultimately love.
That was my own unique experience.
I truly hope that those of you about to go through this day you never expected to go through are able to do so without to much trauma xx
He had the funeral lady in tears talking about what he wanted. I held it together till he said he had already picked out his coffin and casket. He said he didn’t want me to have to do that part of the planning. We were on the point of looking at venues for his celebration when he went.
I have to say that at the time it was hateful but later I was damn glad he had the courage and love to do it. And he got exactly what he wanted. His family began to interfere, but when they didn’t accept my telling them that I would not change a thing, the funeral lady stepped in and told them quite soundly that they had to respect his express wishes.
Hi, I managed it. Cried when I saw the coffin. Cried going into the building. Yes I Cried at the end. It was a good service. Friends liked the music I had picked and every one says I did her proud( which I hope is true). Thank you for everybody's support on here. I know it's horrible and I dont wish it on anyone, but to know I am not alone is a comfort.
Hi there, you are not alone. Everyone here completely understands. I have been on this Forum for the last seven months. It has been a lifeline to me. This was the only place I could come to express my emotions truthfully. Friend’s and family try to help, but they don’t really understand. They have moved on with their own lives. Which is how it should be. I won’t be rushed, I am finding my own way through. I am looking forward to spending some peaceful time in the garden, creating a wild flower display under our apple tree. My darling loved our garden. It will bring me a lot of comfort. Well done for yesterday. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx
Thinking of you my dear and sending my condolences on the loss of your wife and the love of your life. When we have such a beautiful and loving companion we don't have need or even time or the interest for many other friends as noone else's company can give us the same pleasure. But to have all that companionship for over 33 years is truly rare and probably what every human being craves more than anything else in the world. I have noticed it is much more difficult for younger people or my children to meet the love of their lives, like we did, so maybe our generation was blessed to experience this sort of love. Off course it leaves us without circles of friends but hey hoy. I too was with my husband, who was 53 when he died after a sudden and short illness, for about 33 years - married for thirty - when he passed away on this day last year. The first year anniversary is also a time I don't feel ready for. The Funeral has at least a legal, administrative responsibility to it - we have to arrange it by law - and other professionals - funeral director, cemetery etc are involved. The first year anniversary on the other hand has nothing to hide behind or shield us from this deep loss and there is noone to really talk to or share this loss with. My husband's parents and siblings had all already passed. My son and daughter each miss them in their own way but they have not yet experienced romantic love themselves.
I lived in Newcastle when I was at University - the sea and this whole area is stunning.
