So, I was out today to do some shopping and went to my local Lidl. I drove into the carpark and right in front of me was a van with APPS on it. This was the advertising company Jay worked for. He was a billposter and built advertising signs for the company and sure enough there was a guy changing the advertising poster. I managed to get a parking space and just sat for a minute. Don't know who the guy was Jay used to come home and tell me about so many of them but I never really wanted to go and find out who it was I was just so stunned to see the van and the guy in the orange overalls as those were what Jay used to wear but it certainly wasn't him. By the time I came out he was gone anyway. Then I thought something like that I would want to go home and tell him about that I saw someone from his work but he's not here for me to do that. And then I thought, maybe that was a wee sign I know it sounds daft but wee things like that I sometimes think that is him watching out for me. I'm not having a great time of things just now and I just wonder if this was him letting me know everything will be alright. My son as I have probably mentioned here already, gets married a week this Saturday on Valentines weekend of all weekends. This wedding has been in the planning for 3 years and it was my son's future wife that wanted that date as it will mark a milestone for them both as this was when they met 10 years ago. Just never realised at the time we would lose Jay (his dad) and unfortunately his partner lost her mother just last year to stomach cancer too. Now that it is more or less upon us, I have just come to the realisation that Jay will not be there. I have been fine leading up to it because we have been saying `oh it's a year away/6months away` and now all of a sudden it's only one week away. I met Jay's cousin a few weeks ago and she said to me it will a bit of an emotional day for me and she's right and one of my cousins said the same thing but she said if I need a wee 5 minutes to myself on the day just to do that as everyone would understand. I don't want to make the day all about me though it will be a happy celebration and I don't want to be the `wet blanket` darkening the mood. I'm sure my son will feel it too but he is a very deep person and sometimes you don't know what he is thinking. Just need to try to enjoy the day as best as possible and I'm sure I will and there will be enough people there to carry me through.
Vicky x
Hi Butterfly77
Thanks for that. Yes I get you feel empty. I am just over 18 months in from losing Jay and there are days I still feel empty. You try your best to fill your day but sometimes no matter how much you do that empty feeling is still there. I still get a few dark days as well but I've just learned to go with them now and not feel guilty about doing anything at all on those days. I just write them off and say well today/this week wasn't good so maybe next week will be better. Jay retired 6 years ago and he never really got to enjoy his retirement just after he retired covid happened and then his cancer symptoms surfaced along with type 2 diabetes. He had the tumour for about 4 years previous according to his surgeon so had been walking about with it all that time and never knew. He got it cut out in 2022 and went into remission only for it to come back 5 months later and took him along with sepsis in June 2023. Yes I know for a fact if it was him who saw that van and guy changing the poster he would be away over speaking to him and then I wouldn't see him for an hour or so
Although he had retired he still kept in contact with guys at work. I can't tell you that things will get better because we all grieve differently but I am sure they will for you you will know when you begin to feel better. I feel I have moved forwards slightly and starting to find my way on my own I still feel I have a little way to go yet but I'll get there just next Saturday I need to get through with my son's wedding it's just the sudden realisation that his dad won't be there but i'll push through as best I can. The irony is too that his future wife's mother won't be there either as she passed away just last year also from cancer so they both will have a parent absent for their special day. Will be emotional but we'll get there. My best wishes to you moving forwards.
Vicky x
